Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

[Richparentpoorchild]

I’d be very interested to hear what people make of this. My Mum is worth a few million quid. My husband and I, and our children are on the breadline and have been for at least 15 years.

We have no extra money for treats or holidays or anything nice. At Christmas, I sell things on eBay to make some money, so that I can buy family members Christmas presents. We never put the heating on because we just can’t afford it.

My Mum on the other hand, has several luxury holidays a year, always flying business class. She lives in a huge mansion and wants for nothing. I think at the last count she had eight properties. Some of these were gifted to her, from her rich parents.

I know that I don’t need to ask this really, because I know that it’s weird that she doesn’t offer any help to me, but what does everybody make of this?

I am now 56 years old, and she is almost 80. She is fighting fit healthwise and all of the women in the family live until about 100 years old, so whilst I will inherit, I will most likely be in my 70s at that time, which is not really when I’m going to need the money .

If it was you, in her position, do you think you would do something now to help me? I am on the bones of my arse.

we go out for lunch now and then and she never treats me, I always have to pay my half.

She has a boyfriend who she treats a lot,

With someone who is oblivious to the obvious, you have to hit them with the facts as if you’re hitting them with a sledgehammer. You have to be very explicit with them about what the issue is and what you want them to do to help you.
If you don’t want to outright ask her for money, you could at least put a stop to the meals with her. You can’t afford to pay your half and you should tell her so.

My parents are v loaded, but are very generous with it (they bought Dd and I a house outright when I was pregnant so I didn’t need to worry about mortgage/rent) so yeah that would bother me.

Have you been open with her about your struggle? Sometimes people with money don’t get it and do need you to be open about it. What would she say if you were very point blank about how much you were struggling?

Is this your first post op?

I would have a frank talk about her helping you with the cost of housing. Do you own your home?
Older people often like to see their money go into bricks and morter investment.
Next time you eat out with her, be honest and admit that you can not really afford to eat out at this time.
Your mother isprobably ignorant of your exact financial position and assumes that you are coping well..

Yes I would find this really hurtful too @Richparentpoorchild

I grew up poor and through a mixture of hard work and luck, I find myself in a very fortunate position now in my forties. Every penny has been earned by my husband and I, no inheritance/help.

My children are still young but my whole mission in life is to provide them with a better life than I had. I want them to have opportunities that were never open to me. We put lots of our current earnings into savings/jisas/property for them to be able to go to university if they wish, get a mortgage as young as possible, start a business if they want to.

I could never see them struggling their whole lives whilst I sat on a fortune and spent lots of money treating myself to luxuries and not them. Unless of course they were making very poor life choices, drugs etc.

Have you ever discussed with her how much you are struggling? Asked for help? She might be completely oblivious to your needs/feelings.

Totally depends on the situation, how she got to be rich, how you came about to only be on the breadline at 56.

It might just be a result of choices you've both made. Maybe she made many sacrifices to be able to enjoy her money now. Maybe you opted for a more relaxed life and the result is less income.

Could she be trying to teach you something op?

So.... why are you on the breadline?

I could never see them struggling their whole lives whilst I sat on a fortune and spent lots of money treating myself to luxuries and not them
I am somewhere in between but both my children have actually said to me that they wouldn't want me to give them everything to get what they want because the enjoyment and appreciation of what they have will come from the pride and feeling that deserve it.

I totally agree with them. So far, I've helped only minimally. Both worked throughout college and university. They are both on the way to being able to afford things for themselves. I can think of many ways I will be able to enjoy the money I have earned through hard work once I retire!

I know loads of people like this. It baffles me. My sister once confronted one and managed to subtly convince her to buy her impoverished daughter a home.

It baffles me. The greatest joy of being super rich, for me, would be to ensure DC were well set up and secure in life, and after than, any other family members who needed help.

OP, could you ask her why she doesn't help? Can you explain the difference in opportunities to live comfortably, even on two salaries, these days? I don't think boomers really understand the economic shift. Post war everything was free for them: their own and their children's healthcare including eyes and dental; higher education was free and grants not repayable. Jobs had life security, good pensions, strong unions. Buying an ordinary home was cheap.

Op do you love your mum - you refer to you mum getting money from her parents - not your grandparents, interesting choice of language. At 56 I’m really surprised you still need so much parenting. Are your children not adults now too? But they are reliant on you as well. This story is not ringing true.

This is exactly what I mean about boomers not understanding, This smug myth of 'I worked for it.' Please tell her the difference. Show her the costs.

The selfishness of the older generation who got rich on cheap housing, inheriting early and excellent pensions when COL was low disgusts me. They should see what has happened and pay it forward. This isn't jealousy. I'm okay financially but too many people I know aren't.

OP hasn't responding...maybe busy but i wouldn't leave my kids without no matter how old tbh if knew they were struggling I'd give them a part living inheritance...then rest when id croaked it. The mum sounds mean and tight as a ducks arse

Did you grow up in a rich household with all the associated advantages, or did your mother become wealthy later on? How did she get that money? Have you had bad luck, or did you make poor life choices?

I could never do that to my DC.Does she know you are struggling?Maybe mention it to her.

Does she not trust you with money? I have friends in this position and their parents have generally passed on some property to them.

There is also an issue of spending. My parents gave my sister a deposit for a house and then found out she had spent almost all of it going on holidays with her new boyfriends, and just wasted the rest.

She came up with an elaborate explanation that was just an excuse. They said never again.

If the disparity is honestly that large then ask her. Perhaps she thinks you’re happy 🤷‍♀️

This. She may not understand having never been in your position of worrying about money. Talk to her and don’t make it judgey about what she spends etc. just tell her you worry about money every day and is it possible she could help in anyway. Like could you live in one of her properties if she doesn’t want to give you cash.

I would ask her directly. If she refuses that would be it for me.

My purpose is to make sure my DS and DSD have a more comfortable life than I had. I help them both as much as I can. I could never see them struggle. If I had your DMs money I would ensure that they had future money as well.

Her bf may be thinking of marriage and then you won't inherit anyway. And he can look after her.

I think they know.
How could they not.
They just pretend not to.

What's the backstory here OP.

Meanwhile I, who am not rich at all, am wondering how I can help DD and her partner when their (unexpected and unplanned) DC arrives soon :-(

No sign of OP yet?

Personally I will do anything I can to support my children and give them a leg up in life. However, that’s my choice. it’s her money, not yours and therefore her choice what she does with it. People on here are making judgements without any real knowledge of the back story and there may be a hundred different reasons why op’s mother isn’t happy to just hand over her money.
It also blows my mind that people think they are entitled to an inheritance!
IMO it’s their money to make sure they are comfortable in their old age; so they have enough to pay for the best care if they need it when they are older, and if there’s anything left over then I’d be very grateful to be so fortunate.

But the Ops mother Is seeing her child and grandchildren suffer, if they are struggling so badly financially - and they could be working v hard but still be struggling. Tbh it's not clear from your post whether you would actually help your child and grandchildren if they were in this position or would you judge them for not being able to do what you did 20-30 years age (while ignoring all the economic differences between then and now that make that achievement impossible for many now)