Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

[Richparentpoorchild]

I’d be very interested to hear what people make of this. My Mum is worth a few million quid. My husband and I, and our children are on the breadline and have been for at least 15 years.

We have no extra money for treats or holidays or anything nice. At Christmas, I sell things on eBay to make some money, so that I can buy family members Christmas presents. We never put the heating on because we just can’t afford it.

My Mum on the other hand, has several luxury holidays a year, always flying business class. She lives in a huge mansion and wants for nothing. I think at the last count she had eight properties. Some of these were gifted to her, from her rich parents.

I know that I don’t need to ask this really, because I know that it’s weird that she doesn’t offer any help to me, but what does everybody make of this?

I am now 56 years old, and she is almost 80. She is fighting fit healthwise and all of the women in the family live until about 100 years old, so whilst I will inherit, I will most likely be in my 70s at that time, which is not really when I’m going to need the money .

If it was you, in her position, do you think you would do something now to help me? I am on the bones of my arse.

we go out for lunch now and then and she never treats me, I always have to pay my half.

She has a boyfriend who she treats a lot,

she needs to be putting money in your account every month she had you and as parents you are obligated to provide for your children. If a parent sees that their child is suffering it borders on abuse and I am not sure how you even allow her to be bi your life if she is this wealthy and wont help you. how can a parent allow their child to be in poverty. Although we bring children into this world , this is abuse. I would have a hard time letting a parent be around me and my children when they are in a position to help me but wont. more like a power postion for her having control and playing GOD.

That’s terrible advice! If the OP has put up with it this long she just needs to ride it out. If she’s not prepared to ask for money, she’s just going to have to accept that her mother is tight as a tick but when she does die, she will be exceptionally wealthy. Yes, the OP might be in her 70s, but she might be 52, you don’t know. Whenever it is, she might be able to give her kids a million each, and stick 100k in each grandchild’s account. It’s worth waiting for. She could change the lives of her children and her children’s children.

Don’t cut off a mother in her 80s who is worth millions. Play the long game.

She's 56 already so 52 has sailed past some time ago!

Would your adult dd ask you for money to pay her bills, - I just can't wrap my head around doing that with my Mum - at 80 years old I would not be asking my mum to solve my problems. How humiliating it is to not be an independent adult and have to ask your elderly mum for a handout.

I would hope she wouldn't have to. But if I had it and she needed it, I would prefer her to just ask and have a warm house and fridge full of decent food. People fall on hard times, circumstances change - hundreds of thousands of people in this country have been pushed into a desperate situation by the COL. As a parent, if you had the money, why wouldn't you help? I don't mean propping up a lifestyle they cannot afford for the rest of their lives but if your kids heads are going underwater, you have to a really cold person to just let them sink.

I wouldn't live a life of luxury without sharing my good fortune with my DC, and neither would they without sharing with me. I struggle to get my head around the hoarding of wealth and the indulgence of personal greed while those you are supposed to love struggle. It's particularly disgraceful that your mother hasn't even earned her wealth, so can't claim to be withholding it from you from a belief you should make your own way, which I'd at least have some understanding of.

We have propped them up - but they need to learn stand on their own two feet, infantilising our kids is not something we support (and we have known many kids who cannot at the age of 35 are still living off the bank of mum and dad) ...our kids have been given every opportunity and if they want a good life they need to work for it - like we did!

In my experience you wouldn’t want help from people like OP’s mother. If they once let you BORROW £50 they would hold it over you until the end of time, even if you’d paid them back a day later.
I have an aunt who held the threat of disinheriting her only son over him to make him bend to her will. Cousin is a partner in a law firm who once asked me to pick a charity for him to donate to each month as he simply didn’t need the amount he earns (wife was also a high flyer). Guess who is now a bitter old lady seeing out her days alone except for paid help she begrudges having to pay for, from carers she verbally abuses every chance she gets.
No- inheritance isn’t a birth right, but there are also practical ways to help. OP’s mother owns multiple properties. Why not let OPs family live there so they can save up their own nest egg.
It’s so mean spirited and she’ll have nothing to show for it at the end of the day.

Speaking to a friend - her dds in their 20s refused to go on holidays to anywhere below 4*. She was horrified - young people assuming they should live to the same standards as their parents by association and gifting need a hard dose of reality. We want our kids to earn their lifestyle not hand it to them on a plate like some on this thread seem to think we are required to do.

Are you now talking about your own set of circumstances, because you are losing me? I am talking about the example the OP has given, of a wealthy parent that will not help out a child on the breadline. Helping someone out who is really suffering (and not being able to turn the heating on is a major problem) is not infantilising them. It is helping someone in real trouble. You are confusing two separate things.

Nobody is saying that! They are saying why would you let your kids struggle and your grandchildren go without if you could help!

I thought the OP wanted help with treats and holidays and making her life easier. She said she had everything covered.

Another person who has either failed to read and understand the OP's posts or entirely missed the point. What does your friend's DD have to do with this? If her daughters want to save up for 4 star holidays rather than go on lots of cheap ones, that is entirely their choice. Neither you nor your friend sound terribly pleasant.

@Rutlandwater Did you read this bit? "We have no extra money for treats or holidays or anything nice. At Christmas, I sell things on eBay to make some money, so that I can buy family members Christmas presents. We never put the heating on because we just can’t afford it." So the OP and her family are going without necessities.

"we go out for lunch now and then and she never treats me, I always have to pay my half."

She doesn't even ask to have her lunch paid for her, so is not exactly demanding a life style of luxury be handed to her. She is simply bewildered about why her very wealthy parent, who inherited her wealth, would not want to share some of her good fortune with her own child and grandchildren, even if its just a sandwich. It's a fair point!

You seem to have issues about your own kids and the children of your peers, which does not apply here.

Someone is saying that her mother should pay for the grandkid's uni experience - if the OP is as poor as she is suggesting her dc will get a full loan - which is a lot more generous than most kids seem to live on. I think the op is not as well off comparatively to her mother - fair enough but if she posted her income on here and said she was on the bones of her arse she be kicked from here to next week.

Honestly I can't even begin to fathom not helping my children, if that was within my power.

But that's not the case here though, is it? The OP isn't demanding a life of luxury, just a little of the huge excess her mother is keeping to herself. And it would be extremely hypocritical if the mother in this situation wanted OP to earn her lifestyle when her own is in part due to inheriting her own parents wealth. There's a balance surely between wanting children to take responsibility and not be entitled, and living a life of greed surrounded by excess and watching your family go without.

Sure I did everyone sells things on ebay - in-laws and my parents never turned the heating on. I don't buy anyone gifts at Christmas - it's such a waste of money and resources, no one really likes tat that other people buy them - it's a stupid tradition, especially for the skint, the time poor and the environmentally aware - time we did away with it. I can't believe we are still pushing this nonsense.

I think if it is within your power you need a line between helping and infantilising - and reading this thread it's not entirely clear where that is.

"My Mum is worth a few million quid. My husband and I, and our children are on the breadline and have been for at least 15 years."

Did you also miss the follow up post where the OP said she worked minimum wage in a caring profession?

There is no comparative about it. There is a huge disparity in wealth. The OP has asked for nothing, other people saying she should make demands does not apply to her, she is not asking for her kids uni to be paid for.

Why do you think a minimum wage worker would get their arse handed to them if they posted figures and said they were skint? I find that bizarre. It's a not a surprise that minimum wage workers don't have much to live on.

I give up. You clearly cannot tell the difference between doing things out of choice or having to do them out of necessity. Or employ critical thinking or understand that spoiled rich kids wanting mummy and daddy to keep up their lifestyle is very different from what they OP is talking about.

OPS DM is the original spoilt child in this situation.

No, I wouldn't expect my mother to help out, mine never has and most likely never will. She didn't even offer help after my divorce when I essentially became homeless. Unsurprisingly we haven't been close for years and she can't understand why. She's rarely even offered practical help unless forced to do so

However, she's an adult and can spend her money how she chooses. I'm an adult and it's up to me to take care of myself (and my dc - I won't repeat the same patterns she has, though I don't have a lot to give to my dc).

You are replying to a Zombie thread, perhaps it would be best to start your own thread, as the OP last posted here a day after her first post, which was over a month ago on 4th May.

It’s really mean, and of course she knows it. She just doesn’t want to share.
I could never imagine watching my children suffer for money whilst I was minted and enjoying life, but unfortunately there are massive cunts in the world.