Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

[Richparentpoorchild]

I’d be very interested to hear what people make of this. My Mum is worth a few million quid. My husband and I, and our children are on the breadline and have been for at least 15 years.

We have no extra money for treats or holidays or anything nice. At Christmas, I sell things on eBay to make some money, so that I can buy family members Christmas presents. We never put the heating on because we just can’t afford it.

My Mum on the other hand, has several luxury holidays a year, always flying business class. She lives in a huge mansion and wants for nothing. I think at the last count she had eight properties. Some of these were gifted to her, from her rich parents.

I know that I don’t need to ask this really, because I know that it’s weird that she doesn’t offer any help to me, but what does everybody make of this?

I am now 56 years old, and she is almost 80. She is fighting fit healthwise and all of the women in the family live until about 100 years old, so whilst I will inherit, I will most likely be in my 70s at that time, which is not really when I’m going to need the money .

If it was you, in her position, do you think you would do something now to help me? I am on the bones of my arse.

we go out for lunch now and then and she never treats me, I always have to pay my half.

She has a boyfriend who she treats a lot,

I have friends whose adult children have failed to take responsibility for their own lives at 32 years old, my friend is still bailing her son out - and he thinks that’s her job - that she is responsible for him till she dies.

That's awful. Some people really shouldn't have had children, such selfishness is astounding and quite depressing. I'm sorry to hear this.

I suppose it depends. My kids are young but I would hope I would always help them out. That said, it’s fair to expect you to look after yourself at 56. So we need to understand the back story op.

This sucks. Sorry OP.

My in laws and my own dad both have fair wads of cash, investments and capital. You wouldn't know it to listen to them. "Oh, our investments have fallen 2% this month so we've lost nearly 60k, we have to be so careful".

DH and I work hard and manage to keep a roof over our heads and have an OK life, despite the housing crisis, cost of living, etc. We'll never get on the property ladder. We can't afford a holiday. Our house is cold and my kids rooms is tiny.

They like to dangle over us the fact that we'll "be OK in the end". So, what, when we're 75 on a state pension we might be able to finally afford a deposit for a mortgage? Helpful.

My own mother died unexpectedly and suddenly at 56, having put off spending or holidays or fun for when she retired and was better off (there was nothing to inheret btw). There is no guarantee of tomorrow and I'd rather see my kids with at least enough of what they need for a secure existance now.

I've resolved not to accept a penny from them and do all I can for the best life for my kids now. I'll be skint, but no one has any power over me.

We live in a house worth about £900k . We are going to downsize so our children benefit whist we are alive. As long as I have my own bedroom and reception room to relax in ,stay in the village,am very happy for the children to have everything else !

I bet you're set up due to an inheritance.

People who become rich particularly when they inherit, generally invest it and don’t spend it - it’s how you protect wealth through generations. Your life choices were yours to make and being jealous of your Mum’s situation and the fact she was a baby boomer is unreasonable, it is her life and her difference in wealth and choices on her own money doesn’t mean she does not love you. You will also inherit, but sounds like you see it as an overdue spending spree. This may be why your mother will potentially either leave you a lesser amount or puts it in trust to protect it for future generations.

I can't help thinking there is a lot more to this than meets the eye. As a reasonably well off parent I would love to help my child, who is now in their 40's, by giving them what I could, but having had a good start to adult life, their money has been thrown away on drugs, and booze over the years. My child whilst working, is also on 'the bones of their arse', but continues to waste money on drugs and booze, and can't understand why they have nothing. I simply cannot bring myself to give them my hard earned cash, when I know it will just go the same way, and the worst part is that they are now expecting me to leave what I have to them when I die. It breaks my heart, but having worked so hard for what I've got, I simply can't do it, and would sooner give it to someone who will do something worthwhile with it, rather than giving them the opportunity to play Russian roulette with their life.

On the surface, it seems strange for a wealthy parent to not want to help their children, if they're suffering for lack of cash, but like previous posters, I can't help thinking there's more to this story.

Why are you in such a bad situation, financially? Has your family given you money or expensive gifts/help in the past? Do you never discuss finances? Have you asked her for help? What is your relationship like, otherwise?

So many questions. So, your grandparents left all their money/property to your mother and nothing to you? Why do you assume you'll inherit anything in your mother's Will? (but do N.B. Inheritance Act 1975 if she shafts you).

You are as odious as the OP's mother!

I will never understand why parents who have benefitted from large inheritances refuse to use it for their children! What is the actual point in that? Give it to your children when they need it, not after you have kicked the bucket!

Unfortunately I am far from wealthy, but if I was, I would bail my children out in the here and now!

In my family and community we have always known to not count on OPM (Other People's Money).

I'm sorry OP, we are in a slightly related situation. We gave my wealthy in-laws the grandchildren they yearned for (DH is an only child). We work hard, never wasted money, no drugs or booze, both work full time but just can't get on the property ladder (London and DH's career is poorly paid). My in-laws are good people but they are in their 80s and own 3 large expensive properties with millions in various accounts. We (40s) are renting a small house (and possibly downsizing into a flat soon). It's their choice and they don't owe us anything, I know that, and we get by fine. And despite it making DH parents so happy, it was ultimately our choice to have children.

But now that I have I children I couldn't fathom what they are doing. Different generations I guess. But if I was sat on literal millions I would want to help my children as much as possible rather than sitting on it all until I die.

Wouldn’t you rather they had some of this money now when the they would benefit most from it and you could see them enjoy it?

You don’t have to ‘support’ them but enough money for a new car or kitchen wouldn’t be a dent in your money but would mean so much to them.

I wouldn’t be able to enjoy a life of luxury while my child was struggling like this. I would help him out financially unless there was a reason I thought he couldn’t be trusted with the money such as drug/gambling addiction or massively overspending. And even in that case I would probably try to help him out in other ways rather than just giving him large sums of money. I know technically your mum isn’t obligated to support you, but I do think it’s odd that she isn’t unless there’s a reason why that you’re not saying.

I don’t think that’s unusual. My parents have both inherited at least half a house’s worth and I’ve had one token inheritance from a grandparent my entire life.

To be fair they did help me with my house deposit so I’m not complaining.

That is just disgusting - I couldn't forgive that!

I think there is key info missing from your post tbh. Like why you have been on the breadline for 15 years. Also not sure i believe you never put your heating on.

Im not as rich as your mum but no Id never let my children suffer. I give my son an allowance for his son ( my only grandchild ) every month. He got a car for his 18th, Las Vegas for 21st and a deposit for a property. I take them on holiday every year, and pay for everything.

My other son is AHDD and suffers from mental health issues. He also received what his brother did but I bought him a house which he rents off me for cost and he would not have been stable enough for a mortgage.

I look after my grandson overnight every week, so my DIL and son can have a break and I'll do a few school runs.

My obligations to my children do not end at 18

Sorry you are suffering - but you may not get much sympathy on here tbh x

If you were raised with money and opportunity, your mother may not want to send more when you did not use your original resources wisely.

do you have a concrete plan that would change your situation, but that you can’t execute because of funding? Perhaps you want to advance your education? Have you asked for help with a specific goal or do you think she should just be helping with general bills?

Is she aware of how much you’re struggling, OP? Have you ever discussed your finances with her?

My elderly Dad has no idea of our financial situation, he never has done as we don’t discuss it.

I think she is awful and I’d be taking her to task on it to be honest - is she generous with gifts for your children?

What would you do if your mum didnt have any money?
I know it seems that she should help and its strange she dosnt but you really make your own way in life and shouldnt depend on any body else. It always surprises me how many people are just waiting for their parents to shuffle off so they can get inheritance.

Assuming no back story or other factors you haven’t mentioned - yes, your circumstances with your mother is weird. I’m financially generous and giving to my children.