Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

[Richparentpoorchild]

I’d be very interested to hear what people make of this. My Mum is worth a few million quid. My husband and I, and our children are on the breadline and have been for at least 15 years.

We have no extra money for treats or holidays or anything nice. At Christmas, I sell things on eBay to make some money, so that I can buy family members Christmas presents. We never put the heating on because we just can’t afford it.

My Mum on the other hand, has several luxury holidays a year, always flying business class. She lives in a huge mansion and wants for nothing. I think at the last count she had eight properties. Some of these were gifted to her, from her rich parents.

I know that I don’t need to ask this really, because I know that it’s weird that she doesn’t offer any help to me, but what does everybody make of this?

I am now 56 years old, and she is almost 80. She is fighting fit healthwise and all of the women in the family live until about 100 years old, so whilst I will inherit, I will most likely be in my 70s at that time, which is not really when I’m going to need the money .

If it was you, in her position, do you think you would do something now to help me? I am on the bones of my arse.

we go out for lunch now and then and she never treats me, I always have to pay my half.

She has a boyfriend who she treats a lot,

As long as DD is actually trying to get her shit together I would be supporting definitely. Plan is to give her a home deposit and we are nowhere near millionaires. I do want her to be self sufficient but obviously buying a home is a lot more difficult than it used to be. I couldn’t see her struggling but equally I wouldn’t be throwing money at her for nothing.

I do think a lot of parents worry that if they give their children money that their kids will never learn how to budget or graft. DD lives a pretty privileged life in some ways, very different from mine and DH’s childhood’s and I do think it’s to her detriment sometimes.

The sanctimonious response. I love mumsnet.

Does require more information. Did you have a wealthy upbringing with private schools and the like? But don't die wondering...ask her?

If you'd married someone who gambles, can't keep a job or takes drugs and then gone on to make the situation worse having multiple children making the lives of each worse then no I'd not give you more money to piss away to enable a useless DH to gamble/drink/shoot up further and drag you further into poverty. If there was financial abuse I also wouldn't give more money to you to give to your DH.

If you didn't both work I'd also question why. And if you're going to say because I have a lot of small children I'd say you've made a lot of bad choices. In fact I'd struggle to find a good reason for you not working. If you've chosen not to work then you'll live in poverty. 15 years is long enough to know something is seriously wrong in your situation.

If you left your DH I'd help you. But I wouldn't pour money into a relationship of that kind.

If you look on any of the threads involving ChopinandChampagne and Lobster Boy, you'll know what I mean.

Lots of elderly parents feel and act that way.

Also for those that don't they will only help with things like purchasing housing but not the up keep and paying for education/setting a child/grandchild up in a career.

Day to day living costs are for the child/grandchild to sort out themselves like other adults.

I agree, I don't think most would act this way. But there does come a point where even very wealthy parents stop financially helping their adult children, because they have the means to take care of themselves. Usually wealthy parents have helped their children earlier in their lives, making sure they were supported through education, with a house deposit, setting up in business etc. Did your mum do any of that for you? If she did, what has led to your current circumstances? If she didn't do any of that, then yes, she's an unusually selfish parent.

OP, it depends why you are in financial difficulty. Of course it does.

If you or your partner refuse to work. If you gamble. If you spend it on gin or fast cars or something else your DM disapproves of, she probably won't give you any money. She'd see that as wasteful. Is it something like that? Does she expect your partner to do more?

She's 80, which means she was a war baby. She grew up under rationing, so she has probably experienced real poverty. Does she actually see your situation as bad?

If you turn up for lunch reasonably dressed, and don't specifically tell her your troubles, she may have no idea. Have you asked her directly?

This is not the same.

It must be awful to watch your parents being like this.

It is horrible and how does she sleep at night.
I would help my children and make sure they did not have to struggle and put money aside for the grandchildren. How selfish of her to not even treat you to lunch. Has she always been so selfish. Weirdly it is usually the people with the most money who are the tightest. Have a family member just the same and I also think they do not even realize how difficult some have it with the cost of living as they are living in a world of holidays and luxury. Sorry to hear she is like this and are you not close enough that you could ask her, or have you ever asked her for help.

Be careful OP, she may blow the lot, my dad did. We spent weeks looking for a hidden savings account/off shore account until we realised he died broke! We also discovered that he had stolen and spent our inheritances too! Money that would have made a massive difference to or lives but he had blown it all on expensive holidays, while never putting his hand in his pocket for a meal, birthday or xmas gift for me or my brother I may add!

We thought at least we'd get the house, he did offer to leave it to me so I could remain there if I moved in to care for him when he got ill... No! That was equity released and there was only just about enough left to clear his debts.

Some people just shouldn't be parents.

I've no idea why someone would have so much wealth and not want their child to receive it whilst alive a d able to see them enjoy it.

I’m sorry OP that’s sad and if I was your mum I’d 100% help. I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all.

I voted YANBU.

Your mum has more than she practically needs and could easily gift you some of what she has and it wouldn't really impact her lifestyle at all. It sounds like it would be life changing for you though. I also think the fact that she has inherited a decent chunk of what she has means that she should be more willing to pass this on to you. It isn't like she can argue that people have to earn their own way and shouldn't be just handed wealth when she was actually the beneficiary of a substantial inheritance herself.

Not much love peace and understanding from @Lovepeaceunderstanding

😅😅😅😅

I find it hard to believe that post is real as it ticks almost every boomer stereotype in one post.

@Richparentpoorchild i honestly cant imagine living like this. Its just really sad.
it is not how my parents treated me, or how I'd treat my children.
Another poster mentioned constant bailing out. There is a world of difference between that and purposefully or obliviously letting your child struggle.

My DM and i arent perfect but we do love each other.
I paid several thousand to "fix" my DMs teeth and was happy to do so. She kept saying she wanted to do them and was saving and then never did anything (for whatever reason). It was a joy to give her something she wanted but couldnt give or justify giving herself. She LOVES her new teeth and you can see her improved confidence.
I have 2 small children she often cooks and brings round dinner or picks up little bits and refuses money because she likes to help and "having children is expensive". This is how family should be IMO, loving and reciprocal

I could never see my kids struggling if I was in a position to help but I do wonder why you have been “on the breadline” for 15 years and can only assume that you have made choices she feels don’t merit her support. Not saying I agree but maybe that is where she is coming from. Having just taken my adult kids and their families out for a nice Sunday lunch I can’t imagine asking them to contribute when I know I am better off than they are.

The law is different in Scotland.

My parents helped me out when I was on the bones of mine, and she wasn’t wealthy at the time. Only my dad was working, things were tight for both of them too but they refused to see me struggle. I could never watch my own DC struggle like that either, not even being able to put the heating on in winter is awful.

I know we should never expect our parents to help us financially but if she’s that wealthy I can understand why you’re upset

I have to wonder why your DM is like this. Does she like/respect your partner? Does she agree with your life choices (career etc). Did she fund your education?

DH and I have never been rich just earned average salaries; but now our mortgage is paid off and the children are adults we have the most money we have ever had.
Most of our spare money now goes to our adult children for uni/cars/houses etc and it’s the same for every one of our friends.

I think there is a lot more to this situation than you are telling us op. If you are 56 presumably you have been working through an era of relatively cheap house prices etc; so what has happened?

Are you coming back Op to answer all the questions about the situation?

What's the backstory here?

Does she pay any attention to your lifestyle?
Like does she understand how tight things are for you?
Has it ever been discussed?

I cannot understand the mentality of living such a luxury life while your child is struggling, but like others have said I wonder if some of it is a disapproval or judgement about decisions you have made? Or maybe it's the boomer mentality of just not understanding/acknowledging that she got lucky.

I wonder if writing her a letter could help? It could prevent things from getting too emotional/defensive as it might do in person.

YANBU

Stop going for lunch with her for starters. You can't afford it!

I don't understand parents who don't do everything they can to help their DC. It baffles me.

I'm sorry your mum is so mean and unsuppprtive.

Why are you on the breadline?

Could she maybe have picked up on some entitlement ? Did her wealth have a factor in your choices? Crappy choice of partners? Addiction issues ?

Unless you’re going to tell us you were a hard working teacher, nurse, doctor, policemen etc and then had terrible luck with your health or similar which had meant you now can’t work; perhaps she thinks you’ve done nothing to get yourself off the breadline?

if she’s helping others but not you it makes me think she disapproves of the way you live.

Ultimately i can’t imagine not helping my own children (even if they did make poor choices) but I wouldn’t let that stop me from doing everything I could to make my own way in life in spite of shitty parents, far more satisfying.