Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

[Richparentpoorchild]

I’d be very interested to hear what people make of this. My Mum is worth a few million quid. My husband and I, and our children are on the breadline and have been for at least 15 years.

We have no extra money for treats or holidays or anything nice. At Christmas, I sell things on eBay to make some money, so that I can buy family members Christmas presents. We never put the heating on because we just can’t afford it.

My Mum on the other hand, has several luxury holidays a year, always flying business class. She lives in a huge mansion and wants for nothing. I think at the last count she had eight properties. Some of these were gifted to her, from her rich parents.

I know that I don’t need to ask this really, because I know that it’s weird that she doesn’t offer any help to me, but what does everybody make of this?

I am now 56 years old, and she is almost 80. She is fighting fit healthwise and all of the women in the family live until about 100 years old, so whilst I will inherit, I will most likely be in my 70s at that time, which is not really when I’m going to need the money .

If it was you, in her position, do you think you would do something now to help me? I am on the bones of my arse.

we go out for lunch now and then and she never treats me, I always have to pay my half.

She has a boyfriend who she treats a lot,

8 properties? She sounds mean, I agree. Has she never helped you?
Guess you will inherit too though, same way she did.

🤔

There must be a lot more to the story. You said you’re 56 and for 15 years you’ve been on the breadline. What happened 15 yrs ago?

Same here. I do know a few people like this though. The treating the boyfriend would grate on me. Also why are you on the breadline?

It’s bloody easy to be on the breadline if you’ve never had a leg up.

Born posh doesn’t mean you’ve ever seen a fiver - some parents trouser the lot to stay posh. DC and DGC are just collateral
damage.

Social mobility goes down more than it goes up in this country.

This rings so true with me. My dad recently bought a house, cash, without telling my mum aka his wife. My parents relationship is bizarre (so not something to unpick now). I need some expensive dental work but it’s not even remotely feasible (eg our part time childcare bill is 75% of our income). In our house every penny is accounted for but mum doesn’t notice a house-sized hole in their finances. She’d rather I apply to a charity for a grant towards the dental work than help by the way.

People are weird.

Does she like your partner?
Could be that she doesn't want him to get a penny from her.

I have an opposite situation in many ways. My parent plays the martyr, refuses to have the heating on or hot water, never buys anything to make their lives easier - prefers to be frugal to the point they are hoarding paper napkins and wooden spoons and refuse to use cleaning fluid to clean at all. It started off me feeling I had to look after them but now, 2 decades on, has becoming increasingly frustrating as they have let their house go to rack and ruin and act as if they can't do anything about it. They are not poor (similar to your mum) but berate me for holidays I pay for, anything I choose to pay for for my house and generally acts as if I am living the life of riley when I am on just above minimum wage and a single mum.

I would far rather they actually enjoyed their life and did something with it other than moan, compare and be bitter. All he wants to do is make me miserable and hold inheritance over my head. I've stopped engaging now and he is sulking so we haven't spoken for 3 months. I've just had enough.

Sometimes I think we don't realise what we have is better in some ways, although I can understand it can be hard to watch a parent if they are acting irresponsibly.

Could you not just ask for some financial support? Surely the topic of how brassic you are must come up in conversation.

Also, if she marries her boyfriend he will probably end up with the lot (unless she's made a will leaving you something) so you can't count on an inheritance.

It’s sad, not least cos that’s how you’ll be forced to remember them - as loveless meanies.

Need more info op. Do you and dh work? Other siblings? Fall outs?

Tell us about this boyfriend of your mum's op.

It's obviously hugely frustrating for you OP but the fact is it's her money and her choice.

It doesn't sound like this is a recent thing, more like she's always been like this. (or at least for the last 15 years)

Do you have siblings, how is she with them? How do they see things?

And, seriously, "I know I'll inherit" really isnt something you can have any guarantee of, the way things are with her I wouldn't put any reliance on that happening at all.

I think for your own peace of mind you've got to be living your life as if you HAVEN'T got a rich relative - like most of us!

Just do what you can for you and your family, frustrating yourself over your mother's choices isn't going to help anything.

I would honestly say oi, mum, give us one of your houses we are flat broke.

And if she said no I would probably take a hit out on her.

Are your children adults ?
Did something happen 15 years ago ?

You tell us why you think she doesn't help or has never helped?

Does she not approve of lifestyle or choices or amount of children etc?

There will be so much more to this one. Why haven't you been able to support yourself? If I thought my kids would squander it I wouldn't hand it to them either.

I don't think theres any point in you asking for money to tide you over but if you wanted to retrain or start a business then I think it's definitely worth asking for some financial support. I think she would more likely say yes and it would help you in the long run rather than just until next pay day.

This seems incomplete somehow. I couldn’t imagine watching my children struggle while I’m living large. Unless they were repeatedly making poor choices.

How does the child of wealthy parents and grandparents end up on the breadline for 15 years? And why are you lunching with someone who would see you and your family starving?

Well I don’t understand it. My whole mission in life is doing what I can for my kids.

I don’t understand your mother’s behaviour. There’s zero wealth in my family, we’re working class. But I cannot imagine not sharing what we do have with our children when they are adults if they are struggling. They’re currently teens, and I dream of a future of being able to take them abroad on holiday, take them out for good food etc. If they were on the breadline, you can bet your life I will forego some meals so that they can eat. Surely that’s just being a parent?

My dad's done similar (although 2 houses, skis twice, other holidays etc)

Now he's married it will all go to his new wif,e, whose family already has a lot of wealth.

My sister and I both have low income jobs and have struggled to provide for kids. It truly is one extreme to another. He gives them £25 each for Xmas and begrudes that a bit as its £100!!! But he spends more than that on a meal out.

He doesn't take us out for meals though ever. It's so hard to fathom.

@Richparentpoorchild , my word you are so entitled! You are responsible for yourself now you are an adult you should not expect handouts from mummy. My husband and I are retired but have a very good income from investments and property, our estate is currently worth about 5 million. We don’t believe our children should any longer depend on us and they work hard to support their families which I am proud to see. We would of course never see them suffer. They will inherit well one day and it pleases me that this should fund a comfortable retirement for them. I think your apparent belief that your mother should fund you is really quite dreadful.

My own mum inheritated thousands off her aunt and I reluctantly asked for help when I was trying to get out of an abusive relationship for some of rental deposit. She got angry so it was basically a no. She blew it in the pub after a few years and then played poor me and asked her own mum for money who is loaded who said no.
I did laugh inside bad as that might make me, but my mum has always been so self centred. I'm sorry to hear yours is the same, I couldn't imagine not helping my kids.