Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

[Richparentpoorchild]

I’d be very interested to hear what people make of this. My Mum is worth a few million quid. My husband and I, and our children are on the breadline and have been for at least 15 years.

We have no extra money for treats or holidays or anything nice. At Christmas, I sell things on eBay to make some money, so that I can buy family members Christmas presents. We never put the heating on because we just can’t afford it.

My Mum on the other hand, has several luxury holidays a year, always flying business class. She lives in a huge mansion and wants for nothing. I think at the last count she had eight properties. Some of these were gifted to her, from her rich parents.

I know that I don’t need to ask this really, because I know that it’s weird that she doesn’t offer any help to me, but what does everybody make of this?

I am now 56 years old, and she is almost 80. She is fighting fit healthwise and all of the women in the family live until about 100 years old, so whilst I will inherit, I will most likely be in my 70s at that time, which is not really when I’m going to need the money .

If it was you, in her position, do you think you would do something now to help me? I am on the bones of my arse.

we go out for lunch now and then and she never treats me, I always have to pay my half.

She has a boyfriend who she treats a lot,

🙌🙌🙌
Yes to all of this.

Oh yes I completely agree it's not family-ish in the slightest!

Agree it’s a contract. You can’t have it all ways. And I agree with that view on inheritance- not that it affects me our family are all teachers and ministers on one side and working class on the other so no large family pot to preserve!

But our family are happy and close and enjoy each others company which is more precious. My mother has numerous wealthy friends and so many of their families have fallen out over money.

Sounds like you don’t really communicate in your family either. Have you sat her down and said…. We are struggling and we would appreciate support ?

People saying they don’t believe this post have clearly never known anyone like OP’s mother! The richest relatives I have are the stingiest by far, as in millionaires giving you the metal cups they used from the first class flight they flew in on (this happened).

And the sense of sheer entitlement, the amount of times we have been told by this person to work harder or buy a property so we don’t pay rent any more (we can’t afford a deposit - we can barely cover rent!). Just as stingy with her niece and nephew, these family members live in a million-dollar property in the most expensive city in the world and will give an 8 year-old a silk scarf with the charity shop tag still on as a gift.

I can’t imagine not wanting to help my kids when they need it. My parents, despite not always being happy with my way of living and life choices, have always helped out where they can and I am eternally grateful for it. I grew up in a family of debt and low income, so am grateful that they don’t tend to hoard their wealth (inherited, not much but enough that they don’t have to panic any more). Sometimes they can be a bit tone-deaf since inheriting and paying off the mortgage, I often just have to be straight-up and say ‘I’m happy you’re going on a big holiday, but it’s the 5th of the month and I’m in my overdraft so don’t need to know every detail of your splurging!!’

I wouldn't want to see my daughter going without and would try to treat her as much as possible whilst she's young and grafting to build a future. I'd hope to be able to reduce that as she gets older and becomes financially stable herself.

But you're 56.

You've obviously made life choices that have led you to circumstances where you don't have much money and that's a trade off you've made. It's not like she can give you a few presents now and it's going to improve in future- you don't have any plans to change your situation. She might well feel that you've chosen a minimum wage job and then taken on responsibility for 4 children that aren't yours, and it isn't up to her to subsidise those decisions.

She’s your mum, can you just ask her why she won’t help?

Spell it out. We are skint, please stop rubbing your wealth in my face while we struggle as it’s irritating at best. Repeat every single time. Surely she will get the message.

I think it’s awful to do this to your kids btw, providing they had done everything they could to help themselves I would help them if I could.

@Richparentpoorchild

Did your mother grow up poor ?

Did she ever work ?

At a guess I'd say shes disappointed by the choices you've made.

It isn't her job to fund you to choose poorly paid work.

She sounds self-absorbed at best and narcissistic at worst. I sympathise but not much you can do.

Yep this is how normal people behave.

i struggle to believe there is nothing else at play (eg your mother has issues, she is generally cold / unkind, she disapproves of your job / partner) and the OP has a genuinely good and close relationship with her mother.

There are wealthy people who think it’s bad for their adult offspring to be given money/financial help generally as the parent ‘had to earn it’ and so should they - which doesn’t seem to be the case here, as in the wealth was inherited. Then, there are people who take the ‘I brought you up - you do the rest’ approach - the brutal booting out of the nest. And s

I can't get my head around this behaviour at all. I'm not on the breadline but my millionaire brother is very very generous with money towards me. Even our parents are who aren't millionaires. I personally couldn't do what your mum does in her position. I'm very generous to my adult child and will be all of them. I'd be telling her going forward I can't even put my heating on never mind go for lunch and sack that off.

Damn! Posted too soon. And there are wealthy people who seem utterly oblivious to the fact. Ie they assume everyone has what they do and if they see people living simply, it doesn’t dawn on them it’s because they’re broke.

Unless the OP’s mother has tennanted all the properties she owns, gifting one to the OP sounds pretty fair to me. I’d discuss it with the mother and find out why she offers no help.

My DM is not extremely wealthy and we are not impoverished but she thinks she is much more badly off than she is, I think partly personality, partly that she and my DF started out not very well off and then got divorced and she feels she got the rough end of the deal, and she is under the impression that she therefore cannot help us out. We do not really need help, but feel it would be nice to be considered. She will also not spend on small things that would make her and our lives easier e.g. getting a taxi from the station if she comes to see us - she's in her 80s and can afford it but if we don't pick her up she will walk, she will always ask for a lift and will complain slightly if she has to walk. She can afford a taxi and we have a busy life.

Could it be something like this - e.g. coming into money after she lost her parents, she still has the mindset of "look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves"?

OP I’m so sorry you are in this situation. It must hurt like hell - emotionally, mentally, materially. For yourself and your children who are going without.

It doesn’t matter why you are on the breadline. No one would chose that for themselves or their family.

People’s behaviour is often a reflection of how they feel about themselves as opposed to others. Your mother sounds very selfish and cold.

Sending a massive hug and handhold 💐.

Nowt as funny as folk, as they say.

I have never understood people who have the good fortune to inherit money and then want their own children to go without. I also don't understand how as a parent you can live a crazy lifestyle and not want your children to benefit from this. My in laws are very wealthy and careful people, when FIL sold one of his businesses he gave us enough money to pay off our mortgage. OH was not happy about this (he's a bit proud) but FIL who's a bit religious was quite clear that he wasn't happy to have a lot of money in his bank whilst we were paying a mortgage. Was very decent of him.

This DM sounds bizarre

Other people can do what they like with their cash. I've never known a parent who hasnt given money to their children but I know several who will no longer do so because, for example, their child is an addict who stole from them or the child expects the parent to support them for life. Inheritance is not guaranteed and any they do get is likely to be tied up so they cant blow it. If you are genuinely decent to your mother then I do find this behaviour odd, but it's very unusual. I only hear this said on mumsnet.

Your mother sounds unpleasant at best. Was there neglect in your childhood / emotional neglect? Is this behaviour with money part of a pattern towards you? Sorry you are dealing with this. I have something similar in that my sibling gets given a lot more than I do! But because they earn less I don't really make a big deal of it. However they've become dependant on the help and don't try to earn more which I find frustrating and not helpful for the sibling.

Why are you and your husband on the bones of your arse at your age?
Perhaps she would be throwing away her money, and knows it.

Why are you on the breadline?

Sounds really strange and unbelievable. Something is off with the story.

However, my question is why dont you talk to your mum? Does she know that you are struggling? Are you close to her? How has your relationship been growing up? a mother would naturally, generally, be aware of her children’s state of affairs and be inclined to help - I couldn’t sleep or even function knowing my children are struggling.

I have had a similar situation with my DM, she was very wealthy through buying a heavily discounted council house, inheritance from wealthy husband and final salary pension. When she inherited originally she said she would give me half (I never asked for it) then changed her mind after we put her up rent free for six months whilst I sorted her husband’s estate. I have provided years of care to her for free, meaning I could only work part time. She is now in a care home and all her money is paying for that. It has made me think that in the very unlikely of coming into money my first thought will be to give some to my DC before I get ill. I’d want to actually see them have an easier life. My DM got pregnant with me at 18 and lived in a council house and had to scrimp and save in the early years, she was very judgemental of me for not landing myself in the same predicament and proving myself like she did not realising that automatic council housing for young mothers didn’t exist anymore and that the whole experience of having young poor teenage parents who didn’t want to be together and argued nonstop was not what I wanted for myself or my future children. She thinks I had an easy life, I have lived in chronic pain for the last 30 years but that didn’t count as a way of overcoming adversity for her. To be honest, I really do wish she had blown some of that monster on lavish holidays for herself before she got ill.

Because she was totally single until she was forty so no-one to share the load financially.

i guess if it was me and i had the spare capital then id help as best as, but i guess some use it to teach how the world works etc