Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

[Richparentpoorchild]

I’d be very interested to hear what people make of this. My Mum is worth a few million quid. My husband and I, and our children are on the breadline and have been for at least 15 years.

We have no extra money for treats or holidays or anything nice. At Christmas, I sell things on eBay to make some money, so that I can buy family members Christmas presents. We never put the heating on because we just can’t afford it.

My Mum on the other hand, has several luxury holidays a year, always flying business class. She lives in a huge mansion and wants for nothing. I think at the last count she had eight properties. Some of these were gifted to her, from her rich parents.

I know that I don’t need to ask this really, because I know that it’s weird that she doesn’t offer any help to me, but what does everybody make of this?

I am now 56 years old, and she is almost 80. She is fighting fit healthwise and all of the women in the family live until about 100 years old, so whilst I will inherit, I will most likely be in my 70s at that time, which is not really when I’m going to need the money .

If it was you, in her position, do you think you would do something now to help me? I am on the bones of my arse.

we go out for lunch now and then and she never treats me, I always have to pay my half.

She has a boyfriend who she treats a lot,

Yes - but, if she was totally single (no kids) and she was working then why was she on the breadline?

I have been working since i was 16 and never relied on my parents fortune.

As OP @Richparentpoorchild hasn’t been on their thread since 5th May, I guess all this new helpful advice is going to waste.

I don't think you sound bitchy, you sound confused and hurt. I would be as well.

This must be very hard to live with im very sorry. I can’t imagine ever getting any joy out of a luxury lifestyle whilst my children (and grandchildren) couldn’t even afford the heating. Some people will say she owes you nothing but I think her attitude is disgusting.

I find your mother’s behaviour odd and it’s certainly not how I would act with my own children. I suspect PPs are correct in that she disapproves of your life choices.

On the other hand, I find it baffling that you have continued to work in a minimum wage job which means that your children have had to grow up without heating, unless there are genuinely no other options open to you (which seems unlikely). I know you love your job, but I would have loved to work in an animal sanctuary or be an artist. In reality, I continue to work as a lawyer so that my children don’t grow up in poverty. Obviously I’m not suggesting you do that, however there is a middle ground and your children are more your responsibility than your mother’s.

All these people saying change your job and you will have more money. My daughter is a nurse. She loves her job, is never going to earn mega bucks, but I am bloody proud of her and if there is anything I can do to make her life more comfortable, I will do it. I cannot understand people like your mother, OP, I really can't. I would be so hurt in your position. So many minimum wage jobs are desperately needed, they never paid enough to let someone live decently, now with rents going through the roof and a COL, people are going under and yet so many people stand around and sneer. "Get a better job". Try doing without people like my daughter. Or retail workers, hospitality, postal, warehouse floor staff, all the people that allow you to socialise, get goods delivered to your home and wipe your ass when you can't do it yourself anymore. Thank God all those minimum wage workers kept turning up for work during lockdown, eh? The OP works in a caring profession, we actually need people like her.

The OP chose to do a minimum wage job, and she chose to have kids, so either there was no planning or she decided to have kids knowing she was going to be skint or assuming her mum was going to subsidise her life choices?
Is the general feeling that parents should subsidise their kids life choices for the rest of their lives? Because if I’m being asked to financially commit to my kids life choices - I’d want to be consulted on those choices.
On this this we haven’t heard much from parents who have subsidised their kids for life - just parents who if they had the money they would and it’s easy to say this when it’s not going to happen.

Half the people sneering probably don't work and are living off a partner's income/retired - if they were in work, they'd know that it really isn't that easy to go out there and 'just get a better paid job'. Even if you're highly qualified in your field, highly paid jobs are not out there for the taking, let alone attempting to enter a whole new industry. We're in a low wage, high tax society, unfortunately.

Well, I've got the money and I can tell you, I don't need to be consulted. I don't have a house to give her but I work in a profession that pays more than her and if she couldn't turn the heating on, because her wages were not keeping up with the cost of living, I would pay a heating bill. I would pay for her lunch and not expect her to go halves. I would help out with unexpected bills. If she had children I would help out with nice treats, the cost of after school classes, tuition whatever. If I've got it, my kids are going to benefit too, and I have a lot less than the OPs Mum. As I have said, I am bloody proud of my daughter - the fact that her socially essential profession will never earn her as much money as my totally socially unessential job is not a moral failing on her part., Why wouldn't I help her if she struggles? I wouldn't subsidise an addict but a hardworking child? Yes. The real answer to the question is that people who work in the caring profession should be paid a lot more but it seems that will never happen. And what is the point, in the OP's case, of hoarding all that wealth while your children and grandchildren go without? I just do not understand that attitude.

To answer your original question- yes I think this is very unusual.

If I was in your mums position I would buy you a nice house in a nice part of town. You’d only be paying bills, no mortgage, so you would have lots more cash, and your life would change.

What’s the point of having money if you don’t share it with your kids?

There will be one big inheritance tax bill.

Do you have siblings @Richparentpoorchild

I think not paying for you at lunch is a bit tight

However, the OP appears to have somewhat of a chip on their shoulder for not getting given money and / or properties - and this amuses me. Why should the Mother be giving hand outs to her 56 year old daughter

The daughter is middle aged! Not a kid. It is not up to your mum to pay your gas bill, and nor is she responsible for your life choices

She sounds awful. I wouldnt bother with lunches anymore. Just tell her you cant afford them.

As this is mumsnet, which is pretty Reaganite these days, I suspect you're going to get a few responses along the lines of 'she doesn't owe you anything, why don't you earn more money'.

My response would be to feel your mum's lack of support for you is a bit pathological.

'My response would be to feel your mum's lack of support for you is a bit pathological.'

Exactly this. I commenting nearer the beginning of this thread to say the same. The mother sounds as if she has a narcissistic personality disorder or at least strong narcissistic traits. This is simply not a normal way to behave; any loving parent helps their children as much as they can. If not financially, with love and kindness, time, general advice, perhaps childcare for grandchildren, etc.

or the following can happen….

DH & I came from very poor backgrounds.
Worked from the age of 15 to 72 . Both had 2 jobs. I had a couple of years off for childcare but got back to work asap.
Swore we would help our children as much as possible.
Daughter married to who we thought was a perfect match.
We have given daughter and son in law thousands over the years. Paid for holidays. Paid for every meal out. Helped with deposit on first home and the 2 homes that followed.
They ended up in a large beautiful house for them and the grand children.
Then son in law left for a younger OW he met at work.
House had to be sold. 50/50 split . Daughter and grand children ended up in a much smaller house. She’s working her socks off.
Ex son in law moved in with OW and her children living life to the full on what I consider to be mostly mine & husbands money.
So, would I do the same again. Absolutely not. Should have spent the money on ourselves. Nice holidays. Husband a nice new car instead of the old banger he drives. Me, nice clothes and jewellery.
Now retired and too tired to work anymore we can’t help daughter and grandchildren when they need it .
Yes I’m bitter.

This is very unusual, and I think I would be inclined to try and have a conversation about it with her.

It's not like she has earned the money herself , so she can't pull that one.

A good place to start would be declining invitations to lunch, saying that you can't afford it.

No caring parent, with more money that they can ever hope to spend, stands by and watches their child and grandchildren struggle. She must have a reason.

I get it , because on a much smaller scale I have an elderley parent sat on £35k that they just won't spend, and just £1k of that would help us enormously, but they show no signs of offering.

The deposit? Was it ringfenced? This is a cautionary tale for large amounts of money.

The mum got her mum from not working though! The properties were inherited. How can she be disappointed given her situation was circumstantial not through choice.

The Ops work ( care giving) is poor paid. That's not actually the Ops fault. It's not like the Op is choosing crap wages because she can't be arsed with working harder.

"Funding" is ridiculous. Paying for the nice stuff is just treating your family well. Her mum has an excess of money. Why wouldn't you share that good luck with your daughter?

I haven't read the whole thread, but sorry OP, you sound like my sister. She's a little bit younger than you but is on the breadline, and has been her whole life. Everyone in the family has given her money except my dad who did finally relent and lent her some money that he insisted she paid back. It hasn't solved anything, she still continues to make the same poor choices and means she ends up even worse off.

She sounds very entitled and as if she seriously lacks empathy. Sorry, OP.

The OP should still hang around and keep a good relationship, as she hopefully will inherit a lot. The bf of her dm needs to out of the picture re any Will. OP should discuss this with her dm.

My DS studied and worked hard, saved some money, we then gave him a lump sum towards buying a flat when he was 28.
he needed the help now, not in 20 years time.

What are your sister's poor choices?

As a mum I agree with you and find it baffling!

It must be quite upsetting at times to know she's happy with how things are. It sounds like it's more a complete lack of empathy and awareness than cruel and purposeful?? But yes either way I'd be upset.

If I had millions, and more than half a dozen properties then personally I'd be sure my kids each owned a nice home outright, and my grandkids had the same future security too. Id want to see that for them while we were all younger and all still living rather than passing what's left on when I'm gone (possibly at a very old age and my adult child also not far behind).

You sound like a very caring person with a nice family life op and for that you are very lucky. Im glad you have that even if you don't have a thoughtful mum!