Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

[Richparentpoorchild]

I’d be very interested to hear what people make of this. My Mum is worth a few million quid. My husband and I, and our children are on the breadline and have been for at least 15 years.

We have no extra money for treats or holidays or anything nice. At Christmas, I sell things on eBay to make some money, so that I can buy family members Christmas presents. We never put the heating on because we just can’t afford it.

My Mum on the other hand, has several luxury holidays a year, always flying business class. She lives in a huge mansion and wants for nothing. I think at the last count she had eight properties. Some of these were gifted to her, from her rich parents.

I know that I don’t need to ask this really, because I know that it’s weird that she doesn’t offer any help to me, but what does everybody make of this?

I am now 56 years old, and she is almost 80. She is fighting fit healthwise and all of the women in the family live until about 100 years old, so whilst I will inherit, I will most likely be in my 70s at that time, which is not really when I’m going to need the money .

If it was you, in her position, do you think you would do something now to help me? I am on the bones of my arse.

we go out for lunch now and then and she never treats me, I always have to pay my half.

She has a boyfriend who she treats a lot,

I don't understand why people are blaming her DH and his kids, OP said her mother hasn't given her anything since she was 16 and she didn't meet DH until she was 40.

It’s also extremely inefficient tax wise. With 8 properties she’s likely well over the iht threshold. If she gifted to you and lived 7 years her estate is reduced by what she has given away for when the tax is due.

We have friends from other cultures and it’s all about assisting your children as much as possible. Dh Jewish friends the grandparents fall over themselves to gift properly to their young adult grandchildren. This is really not the case for many white British. In our extended family the wealth pools with the 70 plus age group and they hoard it and watch the young struggle. Very weird.

Round of applause everyone for the most intelligent person here!! 👏 op you must know the answer to this so get back on the thread and start telling the truth 🙄

Sounds like my in laws. They even let one of their adult dc become homeless and wouldn't help in any way. They actually said it would be a life lesson for them. So they happily sat in their huge home while owning other properties while their daughter and grandchildren went into a refuge.

What is even worse is when the wealth is due to good fortune so them inheriting or getting lucky with timing on property so it’s not even as if they earned it them selves by hard work or talent.. So they hoard the largesse the universe gave them but don’t pay it on.

I work with older people and some do hoard money not even spending it on themselves. Do see particularly elderly men living in grim conditions scrabbling round Lidl reduced section with hundreds and thousands in the bank. Being a spendthrift is bad but the opposite is too.

Have you previously posted about this? Just seem to remember a similar post is all.I think she is being unfair ,however does she feel you "expect" help to come from her? Maybe she feels she is expected to come to the rescue a few too many times

Wow ... I wouldn't go out to lunch with her any more (invite her round to yours instead) and I certainly wouldn't buy her presents at Christmas (many families just don't buy for adults any more so nothing unusual).

That’s awful, I can’t understand how they sleep at night.
I feel sorry for my husband. He works so hard and does nothing wrong, he takes care of us, he won’t go out drinking or gambling. He’s punished for being a good dad and husband!

Will boyfriend inherit. Do you have any siblings. Stop going out for lunch As costing you. Just meet at her house or yours. She sounds mean but it's her money to spend how she wants. Don't understand why she not give to help her daughter but everyone is different. I'd like to know her side too. Every story has two sides.

Only advice I'd give is if you do inherit (don't count on it, boyfriend will likely get the money) don't be like her. Help out younger generations straight away. Buying them a house when they're 25 is going to make a much, much easier path through life for them than buying them a house when they're 75 after 50 extra years of poverty that you could have spared them.

You don't need to ask her for money but you definitely could suggest she read the room, and also say that you can't afford to eat out. Suit yourself; she does.

I'm in a similar ish situation. My parent is a millionaire and we're not poor but just about managing. My parent has never helped us at all and regularly goes away on luxury trips. We can't afford to go on holiday this year. No solution to it but solidarity.

You asked how people would feel in your shoes, OP.

I would feel very hurt. Like you, I wouldn't ask for anything but I would feel that the family "contract" whereby we all have each other's backs to the best of our abilities and resources has been broken.

Even if she doesn't see eye-to-eye with you and doesn't approve of your life choices, it would hurt me that this extends to the grandkids.

If I was well-off but didn't want to give a struggling adult child money for whatever reason, I'd focus on what my grandchildren needed and how I could make things better for them. So I'd be offering to pay for school uniform, family days out and passes for various things, birthday parties and extracurricular clubs and tuition. I can't imagine going on multiple lavish holidays while children in my family are missing out due to a strained family budget - and there are lots of families in this position atm!

Personally I wouldn't be paying for those lunches out if I were you.

I can kind of understand self-made people not giving their children handouts as they earnt it themselves, but it sounds like the OP's mother inherited everything from her parents, who also gifted the OP's mother a lot when they were still alive.

There must be more to this story though- for example why were you supporting yourself aged 16? That's quite unusual even back in the 80s if there was no financial need for it. Most parents would support up to 18 at least if they could afford it. Also if she treats you with such disdain, I wouldn't be surprised if she leaves everything to her partner. What is the back-story here, do you remind her of your father or something along those lines and that wasn't a happy situation?

My parents drummed into me and my brother that they would help us (just as their parents helped them) and they bloody well expect us to help their grandchildren in turn. We are effectively caretakers of money in our family. It's not for me to hoard and spend the advantage I've been given, I will look after it, grow it and pass it on.
Money doesn't buy happiness but it gives stability, security and choices. I want my children to have all those things and I can't understand any mother who doesn't.
I'd be absolutely gutted if my parents were happy to soak up help from the generation above and then watch as their children and grandchildren struggled.

Can't believe how tight the mother is and how some people think that's ok.

Regardless of her opinions on her daughter's life choices, which may or may not be negative, who has 8 houses and doesn't even treat their adult kids to lunches out?? I would be helping my daughter out financially regardless of whether I approved of her life choices or not. It's not really her business anyway.

Sorry to be blunt but she just does sound mean, but then some people are mean. The bottom line is she doesn't owe you anything, if she choses not to help you, it's mean, but it's her choice, your an adult, there is no NEED or REQUIREMENT for her to support you.

She owes you nothing but is quite mean really.

And I don't understand her addiction for outrageously splurging on herself.

If she ever talks to you about leaving you anything in her Will I would suggest that you try to understand her wishes but also make suggestions that she could be generous to your children.

I can't imagine owning 8 properties & not letting my daughter live in one for low/no rent tbh.

Especially if all I owned had been given to me!

I have no time for people like the OP's mother.

I have a particular view of inheritance, which is my own, and I'm sure plenty of people will disagree.

Inheritance money is not yours, you did not earn it. It is to be passed on, to help the next generation, not squandered on holidays that benefit only you.

If this involves you using it for housing stability - this would be fine as it benefits the next generation.

Otherwise I think you are immensely selfish and are taking without giving - this makes the world a crap place.

My parents are .lionaires and I knew they wereny annong on helping even during the really tough times of single psrenthood.
So I went and did a degree leading to a decent career and made sure DS did too.
As a result we both earn good money and have our own homes.
Im 62. I can tell you it was no laughing matter doing a degree, paying my mortgage and bringing up a child. I worked all hours with no help from anyone.
I personally wpuld do everything in my power to help DS so I dont understand your mother.
Is there anything you can do to earn more money?

I think everything understands this, but most people would think it is a bit dysfunctional.

What is the point of families if they are not there for each other when they need each other?

It's not reciprocal, is it? She expects the OP to do the whole daughter thing, but then gives nothing (and I'm not talking just in material terms) in return.

Yes it's her right, but what it would say to me is that she places very little value on family relationships.

That's appalling
I wouldn't feel comfortable having anything other than an arms length relationsihp with a parent who could do this

You said you won’t ask her for money, does she honestly know how you live? And why are you living in a rough part of a nice place, was it not possible to find somewhere more average where an average house would be affordable? You should talk to her, you do sound bitter, totally warranted but how does it help you? You need to talk to her

She sounds like my mum but she spends zero on anyone or herself. Has never worked a day in her life, inherited everything from her parents and my dad. Gives my kids £5 for birthdays etc, I got the same on significant birthdays! Can’t imagine being like this when I eventually inherit from her