Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

[Richparentpoorchild]

I’d be very interested to hear what people make of this. My Mum is worth a few million quid. My husband and I, and our children are on the breadline and have been for at least 15 years.

We have no extra money for treats or holidays or anything nice. At Christmas, I sell things on eBay to make some money, so that I can buy family members Christmas presents. We never put the heating on because we just can’t afford it.

My Mum on the other hand, has several luxury holidays a year, always flying business class. She lives in a huge mansion and wants for nothing. I think at the last count she had eight properties. Some of these were gifted to her, from her rich parents.

I know that I don’t need to ask this really, because I know that it’s weird that she doesn’t offer any help to me, but what does everybody make of this?

I am now 56 years old, and she is almost 80. She is fighting fit healthwise and all of the women in the family live until about 100 years old, so whilst I will inherit, I will most likely be in my 70s at that time, which is not really when I’m going to need the money .

If it was you, in her position, do you think you would do something now to help me? I am on the bones of my arse.

we go out for lunch now and then and she never treats me, I always have to pay my half.

She has a boyfriend who she treats a lot,

Does this not count as a Zombie thread, given that the OP last posted here on 5th May, the day after her first post?

Typical of that generation in my experience. Entitled and indulged but completely lacking in awareness of this. No understanding of the world their children and grandchildren inherited from them. No understanding of paying back student loans, no understanding of entry level property costing multiples of 10x their salary (instead of 2 or 3), no understanding of global competition in the workplace, poor standards of food and housing. Known to be the wealthiest generation in history, and busy squandering it on empty 'luxuries' like first class flights and holidays. Grabbing up unneeded pensions from age 60, paid for by their children who will never see the likes again, and be lucky to live long enough to get a state pension. Presiding over the biggest drop in generational living standards in history. And basically lining the pockets of the billionaires they created, while the natural world around them literally burns from their excesses. History will not look kindly on them, which I know is small comfort.

What poor choices in particular?

I agree with not going out for lunch with her, simply say that your family can't afford to eat out. She can offer to pay for both of you if she wants. Otherwise, make her a sandwich at home. When she's thoughtlessly talking about how much she has spent on something, you say "Gosh, that feeds our family for a week/month".

I understand why you don't want to ask her for anything, particularly as she has let you down previously but she has somehow failed to realise that you are living so frugally. Does she never ask if you're planning to go on holiday etc? Could you ask her for help for your DC, possibly if they plan to go to university?

It’s easier to make better choices when you have money. It’s more expensive to be poor.

That would still be awful of her. The OP is in her 50s. She's hardly going to change careers now is she. She worked all her life and in a care job. Hardly the story of a terrible person.

@ImCamembertTheBigCheese

Of course there is a back story. You are just not revealing it so you get people on your side

Do you always assume you know things you have no way of knowing? What's it like to be so supremely confident in your fabricated imagined scenarios?.

@Herewegoagainandagainandagain

Perhaps the "back story" is she wanted you to make your own way in the world. To build resilience, independence, aspirations, and have the immense satisfaction you did it yourself. So she knew you would always have those skills to take care of yourself. A priceless gift.

And it succeeded.

The OP is in her 50s. What possible reason would there be for being so awful now? Not paying OPs lunch is just miserly.
Promising to pay for something then saying at the last minute she's changed her mind frankly sounds sadistic

Things have changed hugely since your mum's generation. Back then, most parents expected their kids to fend for themselves. I'm not excusing her behaviour, but it's likely she's of this mindset and doesn't feel it's her job to 'interfere'.

I would honestly have to tell her that you find her at times a little lacking in manners and thoughtfulness to go on about it while knowing you are practically on your knees. And ask her why she hasn't extended any support to you over the years. To be honest you say she's ok day to day but also that's not really supportive or ok. If she'd made some sort of effort over the years, even if it was a one off it would have been different. But nothing? Too weird.

@Richparentpoorchild

two questions

-what is her view of your husband and her relationship with him like?

I know someone who absolutely detested child's spouse (not without good reason I might add) and adopted a position of 'over my dead body is ANY of the money I worked hard for going to give this (in that case) f'. Obviously it meant that the child had no money given to them too, but I kind of see where they were coming from. If you give the child hard earned money to buy a house, go on holiday have a lovely car, the detested spouse gets a share of it too and if they divorce gets to own part of it. If you really abhor someone, it would be hard to look past that I think and just hand over wodges of cash to benefit someone you thought was a total c*nt.

• have you actually ever asked her directly for specific help/particular amount?

sorry missed a bit

• 'over my dead body is ANY of the money I worked hard for going to give this (in that case) idle wastrel who is unpleasant to my child a fabulous cushy life at my expense'

Probably true in general, yes. The other poster hasn't answered the question yet.

🙄

What poor choices?

1. Working your whole life on minimum wage because you love your job.

Most people acquire skills and experience to move off minimum wage entry level work by the time they get to 40s etc. Usually where people don't there have been choices leading to that e.g.

• choosing a prolonged period as a sahp that can reset career development
• choosing not to take on more responsibility at work
• declining or failing to take advantage of training or qualification opportunities

1. Going ahead and having more children with a man who already had 4 kids with someone else, on a low income

Do you visit her/ call her regularly?

I think the OP will be playing the long game and hoping for the delivery of a long awaited inheritance - so demanding the mum’s boyfriend is left out or calling her out on an uncomfortable truth is risky. And that’s the thing with inheritance- it changes the way everyone behaves - relationships become quite transactional and power is unevenly distributed. Independent living is liberating for kids - being dependent on your parents at the age of 56 must be truly awful.

Rich people are rich for a reason. They’re tight. Even my electrician was telling me this week that the little old ladies and poorer people pay him on time in full and sometimes even a little ‘tip’… he apparently has to chase down the rich ones for months to pay the invoice and even then they try and haggle for his labour!!

My poor mum has been on the bones of her arse forever. Never been able to work due to her learning disabilities and multiple illnesses and really has struggled over the years. Even she would give me her last £10 if I asked for it, or if she thought I was going without. She quite often checks in to see if I need anything and she always thinks she is ‘treating me to lunch’ when in fact I don’t swipe her card- I use mine Instead because I can afford it more than her. My Nan was the same, not a pot to piss in but always giving to others.

We really don’t have much financially between us all, but there are good morals, and a whole lot of love. I work my arse off to try and give my kids all I didn’t have (not through lack of want they really just couldn’t afford any luxuries when I was growing up). I cannot wait to pay for my sons driving lessons next year for his birthday as a surprise for him. I’ve been saving his whole life for it. I was desperate to give him all I didn’t have.

As a parent you should want to instill independence in your children, but also nurture them and look after them where you can- for me this includes financially too! I’d be so upset if I had a rich family who left us to rot in this day and age. Your mother should be ashamed. I really hope good fortune comes your way and wish you luck and health @Richparentpoorchild

What happened to the business your grandparents gave her? Is she pee’d off you didn’t take it over and thinks you don’t deserve anything if you don’t carry on the family business?
I would have said something a long time ago, not for me but for the children.
Think I would say how lucky you were growing up that your grandparents gave your mother so much, when they were alive. Isn’t she lucky having such loving, giving parents so she could, via their wealth, give you a happy childhood. One you can only dream of for your children.
Otherwise when she brags I would say that she is being rude and unfeeling about your circumstances and possibly remind her again that she can afford these things because her parents were generous towards their children.

Have you actually read the OP's posts?

we go out for lunch now and then and she never treats me, I always have to pay my half.

She just sounds really mean tbh. I wouldnt dream of making my child pay half if I was loaded.

Is anyone living in her other properties?

8 properties in her 80's. Jesus

I'd just cut her off personally leave her with her money.

I couldn't treat my kids like that.

Stop going out to lunch with her if you can't afford it. If she wants to lunch invite her over and give her the sort of lunch you would normally eat at home. Like a tea and biscuit. Or a scrape of peanut butter on toast.

Stop buying presents for anyone other than your children. And talk to them about why they are not getting lots like others get but just the one or two.

It may be painful at first but if you don't have the money, you don't have the money.

Also suggest you see a debt adviser or go on to the MSE debt free forum for advice. Sometimes others can see solutions you can't.