To think modern parenting has rendered us helpless?

[bustroubles]

I need to stress here I’m not advocating a return to smacking or anything like that. It’s horrible. Equally though I do sometimes wonder …

I suppose modern parenting hasn’t rendered you helpless if your child cares about sanctions but mine doesn’t. He’s three and I am mindful I don’t remember being three but I don’t think I was like this?

This morning he started throwing still damp clothes out of the drier. Told to stop over and over. Ignored me then ran off laughing. I’m just feeling helpless and a bit of a twat. I’ve no consequence he cares about, and time out isn’t recommended, smacking (which I’m positive my parents would have done to me in that instance) is illegal.

Maybe I have a particularly obstinate one but I don’t know … feeling a bit about it all. I know everyone will tell me what I did wrong but really I’m asking something deeper than that, if we’re just helpless now and reliant on our children’s good will?

I also do this (I count to 5) and I've sailed so close to the wind with it! A couple of weeks ago I started counting when I was on the other side of a soft play, wrangling my younger child. I honestly had no idea what I would do when I got to 5... but she came on 3 thank goodness 🤣

They'll be tears the first time and you'll say "I did warn you" then in the future the threat of more toys going in the bin will work wonders.

I think this is the issue, there’s no consequence. No toy he cares about, no TV that he’s bothered about missing. Argghh.

You are allowed to tell your own kids off!!!!! I want to shout this from the rooftops sometimes. I've seen friends have years of battles and struggles with their kids - generally it starts with pleading/explaining 'please don't do that because talk talk talk talk talk' that doesn't work. Doesn't work some more. And some more. Then parent loses it, reacts in a disproportionate frenzy of frustration, child matches the emotion and life becomes miserable!

Just tell them off, really firmly and briefly, the first time. You can be angry, you can glare, it's okay they won't break from it. Tell them off quickly and mean it and then let it be over and move on

Lol at they evolve and adapt. I remember commenting that my two year old was exceeding her milestones in the tantruming stakes.

Honestly I've always been quite strict with mine. I never smacked, but I often see threads on here saying to pick your battles with toddlers. For example toddlers refusing to wear coats in cold weather etc. I never followed that approach, not wearing a coat in cold weather was not an option in my house. A 3 year old does not get to be in control.

Create one! Big poster with velcro bus stops and a bus, every time he's good move the bus forward one stop to the treat zone, if he's naughty move it back one. Superstar Jar with big pom poms in it. Add one when good, remove one when naughty.

Does he usually have pudding after dinner?

I find when I try the modern parenting approaches and pretend to be calm when I'm not 9/10 I eventually end up completely losing my shit. Now I've given up on any approach which involves a barrage of twee words or a long debate about feelings, doesn't work for me.

At 3 I'd focus more on prevention of situations anyway. Their impulse control is crap. Save the discussions about big feelings for more calm and less time constrained situations, it's more likely to be effective.

I've realised that us working so hard to find ways to not say no to our child and using gentle phrases like 'when .... and then....', we have a generation of children who have almost never been told no. I think this might be the root of a lot of our problems.

He's 3, get up and distract him with something more productive rather than telling him off from across the room.

I actually agree just tell them off sometimes you don't need to give them chances or explanations a telling off as soon as they start something unacceptable might stop them in their tracks. Children thrive on any attention good or bad so a lot of behaviour Is just them feeding off energy,

Ted doesn't need to go in the bin! That's a bit much for standard 3yo bullshit. He can just spend the night in your room, that's enough.

That's just cruel and bad parenting.

It works though. Parents buy the toys and kids should know if they play up the toys will be taken away

That's not the way to discipline a 3 year old.

Timeout is fine. All children need boundaries.

Op asked for ideas. If you have a better idea you are welcome to post it. My idea worked for my kids and I've enjoyed some stress free years of good behaviour nobody has PTSD because an amalgamation of cotton and wool in the shape of a bear went in the bin years ago

They don't allow children to be the focus of the family unit. Children are seen as the product of a relationship, not the reason for the relationship. The children learn very quickly that they come second to the adults who surround them. They know their place and consequently they feel more secure. 10 year old boys don't run around trying to be the "man" of the house, because they know who IS in charge. Children are included in most aspects of life and situations, they are taken to restaurants where there isn't any "children's menu", they are encouraged to become adults, not forced into staying children because they happen to be a particular age.

More importantly, there is consensus amongst the adults that children are children, and there is trust that other adults can and do parent by proxy. So adults will absolutely tell off another's child. It is expected and welcomed, there is absolutely no confusion from the part of the children about their place in the hierarchy.

As the parent of a fellow DGAF three year old I have every sympathy! And I have thought similarly.

My main approach is physical boundaries, every single time, even though it drives me round the bend. Whether that’s moving him away or moving the thing away. The difficult bit is being more stubborn than a three year old! But it works.

I find the posts above which are searching for something to make a three year old upset by, pretty sad.

It's definitely better here in Ireland. I don't recognise any of this and I am teaching in a disadvantaged inner city school and my husband is in secondary teaching. Discipline issues are rare, and so are sanctions.

I had a mini-time out type approach that I could use anywhere. I also didn't reason with my DCs a lot at 3, they simply don't interstate. They just need to understand ' stop that' And 'no'.

So in this situation this is how I works have escalated it:

1. Josh, stop pulling things out of the dryer please

1. Josh, I've told you to stop. Now come and help me with x, or go and do y.

1. If it still doesn't stop, remove him from where he is and sit him firmly on any chair, stool, sofa near you, with no distractions.

Get right down to his eye level and say quietly but firmly..., I've told you to stop that, it's naughty to carry on. now you can sit there for two minutes and be a good boy. But you're still with them carrying on with what you're doing then while they watch you/calm down. Then at then end get him to say 'sorry mummy', and I'd say, what do we need to do? And we'd say together ' don't pull things out of the dryer, and follow the instructions'. Then I'd say ' that's right, good boy, now go and do xyz'.

You can literally do this anywhere, without making a big deal of it either.

100% this it’s extremely simple if done early on.

no coat? No outside. Same with hats, suncream etc. same with tooth brushing and things they HAVE to do like homework. There are hard lines of things children just need to accept and follow and letting them make their own decisions about these things for an easy life is detrimental to them.

If you do that again, your toy is going in the bin.

You think that's cruel?

If you get another speeding ticket, we will take your licence away.

Is that also cruel?

Actions have consequently.

Because you can’t always just move a child away. If you remove them from the dryer they will keep coming back. Then you risk having a child screaming and upset because they are separated from y out (eg with a stair gate). I don’t see what’s sad about teaching a child consequences.

“what you’re doing is not good behaviour. Mummy has said no. If you keep doing it there will be no ice cream later”.

thats life. Life has consequences. Children who don’t learn about consequences don’t turn into functioning members of society. School is not able to remove them from
situations - school is going to teach them about consequences.