To think modern parenting has rendered us helpless?

[bustroubles]

I need to stress here I’m not advocating a return to smacking or anything like that. It’s horrible. Equally though I do sometimes wonder …

I suppose modern parenting hasn’t rendered you helpless if your child cares about sanctions but mine doesn’t. He’s three and I am mindful I don’t remember being three but I don’t think I was like this?

This morning he started throwing still damp clothes out of the drier. Told to stop over and over. Ignored me then ran off laughing. I’m just feeling helpless and a bit of a twat. I’ve no consequence he cares about, and time out isn’t recommended, smacking (which I’m positive my parents would have done to me in that instance) is illegal.

Maybe I have a particularly obstinate one but I don’t know … feeling a bit about it all. I know everyone will tell me what I did wrong but really I’m asking something deeper than that, if we’re just helpless now and reliant on our children’s good will?

I think you can do time out without a big declaration the naughty step was such a performance .

Are you calm when reacting to the clothes situation? I know it's not easy but if you're obviously frazzled and cross about it yes, it will seem like a great laugh to run back in and see mummy get mad!

I had twins.

In any given situation there are a range of strategies you can use.

With most three year olds successful strategies are removal and distraction.

If you have both (or one) up a climbing frame refusing to leave the park, then you can't use strategy one because you can't reach them.

So you can try either strategy 2, distract (ooh look there's a tractor want to come and see it?)

Or just wait them out. Toddlers get bored fast and they'll come down eventually and then you can remove.

They're still small enough to physically restrain so you've always got that if you need it. I.e tuck under arm and leave shop if they won't behave.
But my strategy for that age and personality was to try to channel the energy into something I was happy with... Mixed success of course but anticipating boredom and filling the gap before it happens is better than just reacting when things pop up... But for every strategy there's a kid it doesn't work for.

also, you can put the other child down, and remove the toddler from what they are doing.

I still see this a lot in supermarkets "xxx don't do that... mummy doesn't like it when you do that... oh that's a mess, i don't like that" FFS get the child away, if you have to abandon your shopping and come back later? tough tits. etc etc

It is hard work having a 3 year old. It is really hard if you also have a younger child (or an older one tbh) but you have to put the effort in. You're a parent. It's your job.

That is interesting! I would never smack by the way, it’s awful but it’s good three year olds not GAF is no new thing 😂

It's a distraction but it's also showing them a good outlet for their impulses, see also "we don't hit people but you can hit this drum" etc.

See I just couldn't. Hitting (or kicking it biting) are instant severe giving out (not shouting) and a consequence like the loss of a toy or treat.

Usually I am pretty calm and the thing is even if I’m not as I am human … it doesn’t work, he just gets angry if you get angry with him which I guess it’s what’s modelled. My worry really is I have no real sanction or thing to fall back on. It’s all dependent on his cooperation and he doesn’t always feel like cooperating!

Smacking isn't illegal.
It's not ideal but it's not illegal.

Of course - once they understand, yes they need to be told off. But they also need to be taught. A lot of them like the sensory input of banging their hand against something.

@bustroubles fair enough!! Shows all kids are different huh. Was life changing for us. Really hope you find your solution 🙂

My DC1 always found attempted sanctions highly amusing, too. You do have to decide what's important and follow through somehow, though. Even if that means the washing comes out when he's in bed. Saying no and being unable to stop him ignoring you is a recipe for trouble later on.

The thing that surprised me as a parent in the "We're all perfect parents until we have children" sense, and that I see coming through in my child free best friend is that I foolishly thought I would tell my children not to do something and they would instantly understand and obey. Of course, that's not how it works and it can take (seemingly? literally?) a thousand times for them to hear and absorb the message that they do in fact need to behave.

I'm trusting that in consistently telling my 3yo, it'll pay off when she's 8, regardless of how little she cares now.

He's 3. 3 year olds are exploratory and mischievous. He's looking for your reaction. If what you're doing isn't working then do something else. Give him a job, distract him etc. I've never had to do more than change the tone of my voice for my dc to know that I was serious.

We have lost the basic respect to parent children. Instead, we want to be their friends. We have taken everything we found uncomfortable as a child and decided our children will never experience those things.

The result is plain to see. Classrooms filled with bored, abusive kids, who mock, physically attack or simply ignore their teachers. Any behaviour which SHOULD be challenged is instead labeled as "condition", usually qualified by some inept parent saying

"oh, we are waiting on a diagnosis of ADHD"

Ant then these deluded "parents" blame anyone and anything but themselves for their feral child's behaviour.

Because that removes any responsibility they have towards parenting ther child. How many times have we read similar statements on these forums.

Isn't it strange how in other countries children don't behave the way to way they do here.

It's just adult babies, having children, without the first clue or motivation how to actually be parents.

I have a “strike” system. Eg if they get 3 strikes they don’t get whatever the thing is we are doing that day that they look forward to- if weekend then screen time, soft play etc. you have to actually stand by dropping the activity no matter how upset they get but then they do usually listen. I do usually do the counting to 5 before issuing a strike as well (trying to build in buffers).

I have no idea if it’s wrong or right but they are generally pretty well behaved (with me - I don’t think DH has any sort of system at all so it’s herding cats for him).

How insightful. Got any actual advice for OP? Because she's here asking how to discipline her kids. Seems pretty motivated to me.

I agree that school behaviour seems dreadful ( from what I’ve read in here). But most countries in Europe don’t advocate smacking either, so how do THEY discipline their children? And is behaviour in schools better on the Continent?

I used to find that a firm NO!! - with a face to match, plus a very firm physical removal from whatever it was, usually worked.

TBH I was never a fan of ‘No, we don’t do that’, in very-kind-Mummy tones.

Time out or naughty step is effective and I think it is fine. We did it very rarely but once the kids knew it was possible then a threat of the naughty step and 3 strikes worked.

Something immediate (naughty step or moving away) always works better than a delayed punishment (no tv tonight)

I did actually start my career in schools many moons ago (I’m a considerably older mum!) and I’m not totally convinced by the insistence behaviour was better then. I do think people misremember things. But regardless of that children often are better behaved in schools or nurseries anyway.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER i used to think that but I’ve come to find with some children the firmer and sterner you are the funnier they seem to find it. Ds does and my friend has a child who is the same. They just laugh at you

Is there a toy he cares about? Say "if you do that again ted is going in the bin" then follow through with it if he does it again

This is what three year olds are like!! I don't think modern parenting is to blame.

At this age I used to use "count to 3". I would tell him to stop and then say "DS I'm going to count to 3". Then if I did get to 3 there would an immediate minor consequence. Like sitting on the step for one minute. Quite quickly they reacted to the "count to three" threat, and stop whatever it is when you are on 2.

I found this with my eldest. But now my eldest is older so my 3 year old follows his lead and I had to introduce other methods 🤣 they evolve and adapt, sadly!

Read up on the consequences method, it's good because it can be adapted to every child and situation. I did it on a parenting course Family Links from kids school. Really good if you get chance to do it.
I took it as find something that bothers them , can be small and simple . If makes the towels dirty if you do that, and I've asked you to stop doing that , if you don't stop then we won't (insert whatever) and you really must carry it out. I'm so sick of people threatening things that they are not going to do and would affect the whole family, it needs to be just them that has the consequence.