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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother in law thinks I’m ugly

371 replies

DazedNotConfused1 · 03/05/2024 22:50

My mother in law has never outright said I am ugly, but she has never paid me any compliment on my appearance either. Conversely, she will constantly say how handsome her son (my DH) is and how beautiful her daughter is. I’m starting to believe she thinks I am not attractive at all and not good enough for her son.

Whenever I see MIL, I make sure to give her a compliment eg. “you look nice”, “I like your hair!”, “lovely bag” etc you get the gist as I genuinely do feel she looks good, and if she puts herself down I will say “no you always look good!” So she has plenty of opportunity to say something nice about me in return but NEVER has. I don’t want it to bother me but it does. She has complimented my DD saying how pretty they are, but whenever someone says my DS looks like me she looks uncomfortable and doesn’t comment. People say my DD looks like her father.

Is this just normal MIL behaviour? Has your MIL ever said anything nice about your appearance?

And yes before anyone says I know there are more important things than looks, but personally I would like to be thought of positively and not as someone who is bringing down their family’s attractiveness!

Am I being unreasonable in thinking my MIL must think I’m ugly?

OP posts:
SpeedyDrama · 03/05/2024 22:55

Why on earth would you need validation for how attractive your husband finds you through his mother (of all people)?? There are some gaga in laws out there, but ones who have not commented on your ‘attractiveness’ are probably the type of in laws most people would be very pleased about…

HimalayanSpice · 03/05/2024 22:58

She’s insecure and jealous of you. Ignore her. As long as your husband finds you attractive, who gives a flying f what she thinks? You shouldn’t.

justasking111 · 03/05/2024 23:00

Oh sorry you have a narcissist MIL on your hands.

cuckyplunt · 03/05/2024 23:01

My MIL has never remarked on my appearance, I wouldn’t expect her to.

SkaneTos · 03/05/2024 23:01

Your husband thinks you are beautiful. He wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

(Edit - which means that he, the love of your life, thinks you are beautiful both on the inside and the outside! Who cares what his mother thinks about your looks?)

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/05/2024 23:02

justasking111 · 03/05/2024 23:00

Oh sorry you have a narcissist MIL on your hands.

Oh, for goodness' sake! Narcissism is a little more than failing to compliment your DIL on her looks.

sweetpickle2 · 03/05/2024 23:03

This is weird- my MIL has never commented on my appearance, I’ve never once thought it’s cos she thinks I’m ugly.

Gazelda · 03/05/2024 23:04

* "I’m starting to believe she thinks I am not attractive at all and not good enough for her son.*"

Maybe she does think you're unattractive. But that doesn't in any way indicate that she thinks you're not good enough for her son.

Honestly OP, unless there are other aspects of how she behaves towards that are upsetting you, I think you're putting too much focus on this.

Jamiedodgers · 03/05/2024 23:05

Next time she says something like that, you tell her that your husband thinks you’re hot

sweetpickle2 · 03/05/2024 23:06

Jamiedodgers · 03/05/2024 23:05

Next time she says something like that, you tell her that your husband thinks you’re hot

Says something like what? The MIL has never said anything.

K37529 · 03/05/2024 23:06

It sounds like you have self esteem issues. I don’t think my mil has ever commented on my appearance either but I’ve never given it a thought. Surely your husbands opinion is all that matters.

KittensSchmittens · 03/05/2024 23:06

You sound like a child. No one cares what any other unrelated grown adult looks like. Good grief. Starting to think being a MIL sounds like a fucking nightmare. Literally can't win.

justasking111 · 03/05/2024 23:07

I often compliment my DILs, why not.

Tospyornottospy · 03/05/2024 23:08

my mother in law has been extremely complimentary about my looks. But she also fucking hates me and is batshit / so try not
to focus on it too much 😀

mybeautifulhorse · 03/05/2024 23:09

What a weird thing to even notice. I don't think my MIL has ever directly commented on my appearance really, I'm just 'there' to her I suppose. I don't actually anyone much comments on how I look... MIL has said I'm a good mum though and I appreciated that. Does your MIL compliment you on other aspects of your existence?

Hugosmaid · 03/05/2024 23:16

You will not gain her admiration/love by fauning over her. My ex mil was the same even on my wedding day.

She most likely views you as just someone her son has chosen to breed with.

Stop giving her so much value

HeddaGarbled · 03/05/2024 23:19

Whenever I see MIL, I make sure to give her a compliment eg. “you look nice”, “I like your hair!”, “lovely bag” etc you get the gist as I genuinely do feel she looks good, and if she puts herself down I will say “no you always look good

Stop doing that. If she never says it back, it makes you look pathetic and a crawler.

StormingNorman · 03/05/2024 23:19

She’s a narcissist. A total compliment sponge and the compliments she gives her kids and the GC who looks like her are just a reflection on her high regard for herself.

Don’t give it a second thought.

Midwinter91 · 03/05/2024 23:21

Mine thinks I’m really fat, she hasn’t said but she makes helpful comments about diet and exercise and I’ve seen her looking at my belly roll and upper arms in horror. I find it quite amusing.

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/05/2024 23:22

Maybe she just genuinely doesn’t think you’re attractive, without that being in any way malicious - I mean, why should she find you attractive, she isn’t in a sexual or romantic relationship with you, and she isn’t your mother who’s biologically programmed to find you adorable. As long as she seems to like you and is nice to you otherwise, her opinion on your looks is irrelevant and she clearly thinks so, too, as she isn’t offering it.

CheesexCrackers · 03/05/2024 23:24

I've never really thought about it, but no my mil hasn't commented on my appearance, nor had my mum commented on DHs appearance, I wouldn't really expect either of them to.

AppelationStation · 03/05/2024 23:24

This isn't your MIL thinking you're ugly. It's her thinking that every attractive trait your DC have is from their father (and thereby her side of the family).

It's a different thing. A bit like always believing your newborn is the most beautiful baby. Stupid, irrational, offensive when you think about it, but kind of genetic, and a lot of people think it.

Just roll your eyes and let her off. In an ideal world she'd have the sense to realise its a daft thing to articulate out loud (as above), but she is who she is.

ComfyBoobs · 03/05/2024 23:24

She thinks her children are beautiful. So what?

Most of us take maternal pride in our children and find beauty or specialness in them which we don’t see in people who aren’t our offspring.

And of course the same will go for her grandchildren.

Stopsmotheringmeeeeeee · 03/05/2024 23:28

HeddaGarbled · 03/05/2024 23:19

Whenever I see MIL, I make sure to give her a compliment eg. “you look nice”, “I like your hair!”, “lovely bag” etc you get the gist as I genuinely do feel she looks good, and if she puts herself down I will say “no you always look good

Stop doing that. If she never says it back, it makes you look pathetic and a crawler.

I disagree. I think OP sounds warm and genuine. It's not hard to pay someone a heartfelt compliment

TheTerribleMaster · 03/05/2024 23:33

My mil doesn't like me and definitely doesn't want me married to her son. But I've never considered it to be because she thinks I'm ugly! She's never said anything nice to me ever, about anything, I couldn't give a shit tbh. But no, I'd not considered it to be my physical appearance she objects to. I think I'm kinda hard to love in general 😁