Mother in law thinks I’m ugly

[DazedNotConfused1]

My mother in law has never outright said I am ugly, but she has never paid me any compliment on my appearance either. Conversely, she will constantly say how handsome her son (my DH) is and how beautiful her daughter is. I’m starting to believe she thinks I am not attractive at all and not good enough for her son.

Whenever I see MIL, I make sure to give her a compliment eg. “you look nice”, “I like your hair!”, “lovely bag” etc you get the gist as I genuinely do feel she looks good, and if she puts herself down I will say “no you always look good!” So she has plenty of opportunity to say something nice about me in return but NEVER has. I don’t want it to bother me but it does. She has complimented my DD saying how pretty they are, but whenever someone says my DS looks like me she looks uncomfortable and doesn’t comment. People say my DD looks like her father.

Is this just normal MIL behaviour? Has your MIL ever said anything nice about your appearance?

And yes before anyone says I know there are more important things than looks, but personally I would like to be thought of positively and not as someone who is bringing down their family’s attractiveness!

Am I being unreasonable in thinking my MIL must think I’m ugly?

Not once in 30 years has my MIL paid me a compliment about my appearance and I’ve never even thought about it until now!

It should be titled the most naive and insecure DIL, whose insecurity is only matched by MIL.

MIL obviously can't see past the end of her nose.

She compliments son and daughter because she desperately wants to stay close to them.

She'll compliment the grandchildren, because they are a part of her son or daughter.

She's unnerved by any genetic resemblance of DIL - because that makes DIL integral in the family tree.

In a heartbeat, should any divorce happen with son or daughter, she'll be the raging banshee, bad-mouthing ex DIL or SIL.

So MIL is very petty and small-minded and insecure and doesn't have enough love to spread far and wide or enjoy a wider welcoming family love.

It's not that DIL is ugly (Who needs validation on looks from a MIL? Or anyone else other than spouse?) Willing to bet MIL is also mealy mouthed about DIL cooking abilities, or anything DIL does to support the positive growth and development of the grandchildren.

My late MiL always used to say nice things about my appearance, tell me I was beautiful, looked lovely, etc. and commented on my hair/makeup/clothes if it was obvious I'd made an effort. Her sister (so my Aunty in Law?) is the same. I thought that was normal. My mum does this too! But apparently not so much in the alternative universe that is Mumsnet...

OP some of the things you've posted in follow-ups do make your MiL come across as not very pleasant and a bit obsessed with her son's attractiveness. So your assessment of the situation doesn't sound too wide of the mark (based on what you've posted here) to me!!

I'm sorry, I'm sure you are lovely and your MiL sounds a bit weird.

MY FIL once stared at my milk engorged bosom, turned to BIL and said "Mr Peakygold's a lucky man, isn't he?".
Mortifying.
Sometimes it is better to be ignored.

I (male) strongly feel that nobody is beautiful or ugly, as it’s only the shallow opinion of the person saying it. I find such opinions to be distasteful and unwelcome.

Very right on.
So you would not find your child beautiful?

As others have said, I think you have self-esteem issues. Why do you need validation from someone else? What's made you so insecure?

She thinks you're beautiful. Especially compared with her own ugly family. So she feels she has to continually boost their confidence.

It sounds like she's jealous. You've stolen her precious son from her. Ugh. Don't give her any more thought. Or compliments!

My MIL has never said a word about my appearance to me. Haven't given it a second thought ever!

I don’t think there’s any such word as ugly to describe people. To each their own. Your husband thinks you’re lovely and that’s all that matters. Think about something else.

I honestly wouldn't care. I do them think my MIL has ever told me I'm attractive or beautiful but it's never occurred to me to question it.

Plus, she's probably rightly assumed that it's none of anyone's concern how attractive I am. Looks are a shallow, fleeting fancy of youth which quickly fade. Finding your life partner is so much more.

Beauty, or otherwise, lies within a person regardless of how they look. That’s my take on this subject.

Let's all agree you are amazing and do not have to answer the question then.

I have very similar. The only compliment ever was when I was 3 stone overweight and pregnant and about to drop!!! She said I looked pretty whilst looking like an actual swollen barrel. 🤣🤣😫

Yes it seems odd behaviour. The first time I met DHs mother she said “Bloody hell son haven’t you done well !”. My Dd told me her mum in law said it looked like she was carrying out care in the community when she first saw her with her son 😆. Neither of our partners is unattractive, the mums were just being complimentary to us. Your MIL needs a lesson in social graces I think. Sorry she’s so useless Op.

Physical “beauty” is an abstract concept to me. Which is prettiest, a puppy or kitten, for example?

You sound lovely OP. Paying compliments to others is such a nice thing to do and says a lot about you as a person. Your MIL is probably either jealous or just a bit lacking. My MIL doesn’t give me compliments either even though I often comment on how nice she looks. I don’t think she means it but I put it down to ignorance. Please don’t stop giving compliments. We need more people like you in the world! Women praising other women is very special.

You are so deep, you must be at least 11.

Apparently she does say complimentary things. Just not about her physicality. Where does this infer jealousy?

DH is solidly on my side, though I wish we’d never been put in this position. He has confronted her about it several times. She denies, denies, denies even when DH tells her he’s overheard some of the things she’s said to me and seen how she treats me. He has increasingly reduced contact. Will only visit if his DF is there, doesn’t visit MIL if he’s not. Tends to do (hobby) stuff with FIL Maybe it’s my fault for not nipping it in the bud but I’m not a naturally confrontational person. My own family circumstances weren’t ideal and the ILs presented a very solid nuclear unit, do I tried to fit in around them and be sensitive to the existing dynamic. I didn’t make a fuss until MIL tried to physically block me from taking DC home after a visit. (Actually tried to push me down a flight of stairs) She was screaming at me to get out and had to be restrained by FIL. Batshit crazy. Apparently only DH could collect HIS dc. 🙄
So, DH is well aware that she’s a complete horror show. As a result, DH has gone as low contact as possible without making a fuss about it. Not ideal but we don’t know how else to manage the situation. My mh is so much better for not having MIL in my life.

No we don't need more praising of physical beauty.

I love this 😀

I find my sons so beautiful, if they brought home Beyonce, I'd probably think she was punching.

This thread has made me make a mental note to big up any potential future DIL! I guess there's no harm in making someone feel just as adored and part of the family.

I remember my MIL passing one comment about me in guiding her son in his next selection towards a future wife for himself 'why don't you find somebody nice for yourself like Dotcomma', sadly I was with someone else at the time, me & her son were just friends but I'd have gladly dropped everything to be the next Mrs, so was flattered. 5 years later it happened - it was the happiest day of my life, the stuff dreams are made of ❤️💙

He turned out to be the biggest drama queen ever and she did nothing but molly-coddle him even though we were both 30+. He was and is an abuser, he is a narc and has really tried to ruin mine and our daughter's life. MIL is a manipulator and does everything her son says, so does his sister. So be careful what you wish for - MIL used to 'big up' both her kids and look how that turned out.

Build yourself up and concentrate on your own happiness, if she wasn't your MIL would you choose her as a friend?

When I got married my MIL produced photos of the Chinese model that my DH was apparently betrothed to at a young age. My DH isn't attracted to Oriental women or the culture but these photos and the discussion came up every time we visited for a while and yes, he did tell her to pack it in.