Mother in law thinks I’m ugly

[DazedNotConfused1]

My mother in law has never outright said I am ugly, but she has never paid me any compliment on my appearance either. Conversely, she will constantly say how handsome her son (my DH) is and how beautiful her daughter is. I’m starting to believe she thinks I am not attractive at all and not good enough for her son.

Whenever I see MIL, I make sure to give her a compliment eg. “you look nice”, “I like your hair!”, “lovely bag” etc you get the gist as I genuinely do feel she looks good, and if she puts herself down I will say “no you always look good!” So she has plenty of opportunity to say something nice about me in return but NEVER has. I don’t want it to bother me but it does. She has complimented my DD saying how pretty they are, but whenever someone says my DS looks like me she looks uncomfortable and doesn’t comment. People say my DD looks like her father.

Is this just normal MIL behaviour? Has your MIL ever said anything nice about your appearance?

And yes before anyone says I know there are more important things than looks, but personally I would like to be thought of positively and not as someone who is bringing down their family’s attractiveness!

Am I being unreasonable in thinking my MIL must think I’m ugly?

My MIL said, on the first time of meeting me "she'll have to try harder to impress your brother". Because I don't have any interest in make up, clothes, hair etc. I overheard and said "I wasn't aware I had to impress anyone other than (now) DH, and he likes me" and she has never made any comment on my looks again. She has, actually, since compared me to my SIL who she used to love talking "girl" stuff with. She's now happy that I'm much more low maintenance and easy going, and she once acknowledged that she got it wrong that "trying" and "looking" are very different in attractiveness.

Don't let it bother you. If you feel good and DH loves you, sorted.

My partner’s mother has never commented on my appearance. Why on earth would she?
She’s a lovely person and very kind to me, I don’t think she cares what I look like.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Perhaps she does think you look like the back end of a bus and isn't going to lie or bullshit you with fake compliments.

What's wrong with that? Her opinion of your looks are of absolutely no consequence to you whatsoever.

On the flip side, maybe she thinks you're more attractive than her son and he's punching? She doesn't feel like she needs to compliment as it's a given you'd realise you look good?

Is she Marie Barone from Everybody Loves Raymond? 😃

She doesn't necessarily has to think your are ugly, she may be one of those people who no one never is good enough because they think they are the offspring of Mount Olympus.
Don't hold on that thoughts, they won't do any good to you, who cares what she thinks.
If there is more on the side to that keep her at arms length.

This thread is nuts. The MiL sings her praises to others but because there isn't a steady stream of gushing physical compliments the MiL must be a narcissist?

Narc is over used on MN but really that jumps the shark.

OP: some people gush, some don't. Focusing on the perceived "gap" and ignoring the nice things she says about you is really a problem you need to work on in yourself. Look for ways to boost your own esteem and these perceived slights will magically disappear

Lovely lady who put herself in your shoes, obviously not all folks can

With kindness, I think it’s safe to say this is a you issue. My mil has never commented on my appearance and I can honestly say I’ve never even thought about it until now. You need to do some self esteem work and I highly recommend this book.

https://www.wob.com/en-gb/books/dr-melanie-fennell/overcoming-low-self-esteem-2nd-edition/9781472119292?gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAADZzAIBaNBqYFPAEHjF-nit3rcZza&gclid=EAIaIQobChMImP6c97jyhQMVrIxQBh2b3wXcEAQYASABEgJsnPD_BwE#GOR008596922

It would never occur to me to compliment my DDiLs for their looks! I compliment them for other things.

important things than looks, but personally I would like to be thought of positively and not as someone who is bringing down their family’s attractiveness!

Think a lot of you are looking for a deeper reason for her feeling this way, when the ops made it clear she's pretty shallow 🤷🏼‍♀️

My in-laws have never once made any comment about my looks - I don't think my parents have ever commented on DH's either. I mean, why would they?

I think you're getting upset over nothing and also taking offence where none was intended. Commenting on the appearance of your own children is very different to doing it someone who isn't.

You’ve never told your DIL she looks nice? Bizarre.

To me, this is pretty weird. To go on and on about how handsome her son is but never mention OP. Deeply odd from MIL, but I think you just have to ignore it OP.

My mum told me that she though DH was very handsome, in the context of a wider conversation about things. But other than a joking "don't you scrub up well" on our wedding day I don't think she's ever said much to him personally about his looks.

It's not relevant.

You need to work on your own issues if you are really that desperate for compliments! I don't think my MIL ever commented on my appearance that I can remember, I honestly wouldn't expect her to! It's really not healthy to be that bothered about someone else's opinion of how you look 😕

Stop pussyfooting around her and giving her compliments. Take a step back. You don’t need her validation.

I would stop making so much effort with her and certainly stop paying her any compliments. She sounds like a bit of a cow to be honest.

You like your mother in law, you get on well, she says you’re a good mum…..this is completely a YOU issue and really nothing to do with your poor mother in law who’s been called a narcissist and a bitch on this thread unnecessarily, you need to work on your self esteem.

My mil told me how beautiful my sister looked at my wedding and asked if my dress kept falling down because it was hot-(it didn’t fall down!).
Some mil’s just don’t like their dil marrying their sons.

^This.

She doesn't want to pay you a compliment!

My MIL hated every aspect of me, thankfully she's dead. But I'd much rather she thought I was a great mum and a good person then she thought I was attractive. The person who needs to find you attractive is your husband, not your MIL.

I don't think my mother-in-law has ever seen me dressed up to go out. She probably did say something nice at my wedding!
She nice to you another ways? I'm really rubbish at giving compliments. I always feell awkward doing it apart from to my kids.

It's not constantly on my mind to go around trying to pay people compliments, so I probably wouldn't make a good MIL then. I have a couple of friend who've lost 3st+ so do compliment them on that, usually when they've bought new clothes and I tell them how good they look - but there's an anxious reason for that compliment. I might say occasionally I like what someone is wearing, but that's it.

Your DH obviously finds you attractive, he's married you, has a family with you. She naturally doesn't talk openly and is probably really pleased for her son he has someone he's happy with.

@BringMeSunshineAllDayLong yes she says I'm a good mum and always tell me she's proud of me for my work.