Mother in law thinks I’m ugly

[DazedNotConfused1]

My mother in law has never outright said I am ugly, but she has never paid me any compliment on my appearance either. Conversely, she will constantly say how handsome her son (my DH) is and how beautiful her daughter is. I’m starting to believe she thinks I am not attractive at all and not good enough for her son.

Whenever I see MIL, I make sure to give her a compliment eg. “you look nice”, “I like your hair!”, “lovely bag” etc you get the gist as I genuinely do feel she looks good, and if she puts herself down I will say “no you always look good!” So she has plenty of opportunity to say something nice about me in return but NEVER has. I don’t want it to bother me but it does. She has complimented my DD saying how pretty they are, but whenever someone says my DS looks like me she looks uncomfortable and doesn’t comment. People say my DD looks like her father.

Is this just normal MIL behaviour? Has your MIL ever said anything nice about your appearance?

And yes before anyone says I know there are more important things than looks, but personally I would like to be thought of positively and not as someone who is bringing down their family’s attractiveness!

Am I being unreasonable in thinking my MIL must think I’m ugly?

Mil apparently told sil that she was too old & frumpy to marry bil. Only found this out from a 3rd party recently.

I now know why she was frosty (that's being kind) when we got engaged as sil is way smarter than me, had a good job, etc. God knows what her thoughts were about me. 😁

If you like your mil, you can rise above this.

My MIL hated every aspect of me, thankfully she's dead. But I'd much rather she thought I was a great mum and a good person than she thought I was attractive. The person who needs to find you attractive is your husband, not your MIL.

Exactly, it’s of no consequence what your MIL thinks of your looks as long as she’s not actively making cruel comments or something. She likes who you are and she says good things about you so focus on that.
That is far more important.

Maybe she’s just not the type to comment on her DIL’s appearance or maybe she just doesn’t find you pretty - but if the latter is that such a bad thing?

My (male) best friend’s mum - I know her really well as I’ve spent time at his family home etc -is always giving me compliments about how “beautiful” or “pretty” I am . She’s really lovely and I appreciate it, but her opinion is independent of her son.

Her son is married to someone else, and we were always just friends despite me being single most of our friendship so he clearly doesn’t find me quite as pretty (which is a good thing as he is just like a brother to me) 🤣

So in the same way, your MILs son (your husband ) might find you gorgeous but she doesn’t and that’s OK! Separate their opinions and think about which one out of the two, you really want to find you attractive and I’m sure it’ll be your husband!

my MIL often tells me I’m beautiful and treats me better than her own children!
makes a nice change from former MIL who despised me and deified her own daughter 😂

honestly OP, don’t take any notice - I’ve realised that a woman can only have a good relationship with her MIL if the MIL does not have a daughter of her own (but always wanted one!)

I don't think mine ever did either.

She sounds overly obsessed with physical appearance. And putting herself down to then receive the classic ‘oh no honestly you look amazing’ replies is typical of poor self esteem.

She is the one with the issues. Be aware of that and do not start playing the game.

Stop commenting on her appearance. No more you look nice/I like your outfit just comment on actions eg that was such a kind gesture MIL.

And 100% shit down the behaviour of commenting in your children’s physical attributes. That is not how you want them to value themselves.

Of she does the ‘my handsome son’ shit just reply yeh I just married him for his looks and him me for my brains.

I would just assume she’s a typical mother and cannot get I er how utterly gorgeous her own children are! My MIL never shuts up about how beautiful and wonderful her kids are. They can do absolutely no wrong. We get on fine but I’m well aware that she will always be on their side etc and that’s fine. I wouldn’t assume she thinks you are unattractive- I suspect she is just completely blinded by her own kids!!! X

That's good! I think I would be more like that when I become a mother-in-law. As I always feel a twat when trying to complement my friends. I know so little about clothes and fashion I always think I just talk bollocks 😁.

I wouldn't really either, but I have had a friend like this, and it's noticeable and rude after a while.

She absolutely idolised two friends, showering them with compliments and never had a nice word to say about anyone else.

It's poor manners regardless of who does it.

Well yes I have never once said she’s a mean woman. However, doing stuff like giving us a photo frame with multiple photos in of my family (DH and kids) as a present for Christmas and none of them featuring me as “she couldn’t find one” but I’d sent her images contains me not long before seems kind of deliberate.

The only 'compliment' my MIL ever paid me was commenting that in real life I don't look as 'large' as I did on DH's video of our family holiday .

I think she probably feels more comfortable commenting on looks of her children/grandchildren and would say that’s normal. You’re reading too much in to it

Really You shouldn’t want anyone commenting on your appearance either way. You look how you look, it’s not an achievement to look nice and nor is it a failure to not look classically beautiful. We teach our children not to comment on peoples appearances usually but here you are looking to encourage the opposite.

I don’t teach my children to not comment on looks. I teach them to say something nice and if nothing nice to say, nothing at all. Hence the post, if she has said nothing to me that equals nothing nice to say!

Fed up of all the posters here saying they don’t care what they look like and looks aren’t important. The truth of society is they very much are important.

I had a lot of this OP and unless you've been on the receiving end it's hard to understand how wearing it gets. I felt that she saw me as useful only to produce grandchildren, who were then regarded as belonging to her family and apparently bore no resemblance to me at all (they did).

There's possibly a bit of subconscious jealousy there too because you've stolen her son. I'd reduce the compliments, and try to ignore the nonsense.

Same

Sounds like perhaps you don't think you're attractive and projecting it onto your MIL, OP.

So you really need the validation, that’s clear. And silence to you is no validation.

Do you think you’re ugly? Or do you think you’re actually quite attractive and you’re aggrieved that MIL won’t acknowledge it?

Either way, it’s not healthy to care so much about what one person thinks.

MyMIL never says I look nice, that anything in my house is nice (although she compliments DH on house things if he's there even if she's seen it before when it's just us) that anything. I've achieved is good. I've come to the conclusion that she's a cranky old bitch and leave her to it.

To be honest she's very critical of people in general so I'm happy with her saying nothing. To my face at least.

It is not really the done thing, to tell others how pretty or handsome they are, unless you are very close.

It could be more of a case that your MIL tells people who it is appropriate for her to comment on their appearance - as in your kids and grandchildren - that they look totally darling, pretty, adorable, handsome etc.
You can really only go over the top like that with your kids.

Otherwise, your spouse or partner should be gushing over you. Does he adore the way you look?
I would not worry if any other person did not find me attractive.

I appreciate that looks are important in this society unfortunately and I’m sure most people can acknowledge that, but I think people don’t get why you’d be so concerned specifically about your MIL not saying she thought you have good looks.

That said, the story about the picture frame adds a bit more context though and it does seem a bit unpleasant for her to leave you out and to give a weak excuse as to why.

My MIL has never once commented on my appearance and I’d find it very weird if she did. She does tell DD she is beautiful - but she’s her gran, it’s a term of affection. You are overthinking this.

Fed up of all the posters here saying they don’t care what they look like and looks aren’t important. The truth of society is they very much are important.

But does really matter what your mil thinks of your looks? That has no impact or bearing on your life whatsoever.

I care what I look like. I care what I look like primarily for me. For my own self esteem. Also for my husband, and I guess I care what people think when they look at me. I think most people do.

but this is a very different thing to needing validation from your mil on your appearance and assuming she thinks your ugly if you don’t get it.

its just so extreme and unhealthy. And the sad thing is you can’t see it.

and the way you’re teaching your kids. That if someone doesn’t compliment their appearance it’s because they have nothing nice to say, is appalling and far from true. And it is what you’re teaching them, that that’s how people behave, that that is how they should behave . It’s really unhealthy and warped.

I don’t know what you can do to improve your self esteem, and what feels like obsessive thoughts, but you need to find out and work on it, for your own sake.

I like and respect my partners mum.

She’s allowed to have opinions on my looks. I don’t care what those opinions are at all.

I think my MIL told me I looked nice on my wedding day and I dont remember my Mum ever told DH he looked nice.
Neither of us are insecure enough to read anything anything into it

I kind of get why you are hurt. My mil is nice but always said dh it so well educated. I said to her (lightheartedly) like meets like as I also have ( same qualifications)

in your situation, don’t go over and praise her. Nice to see you is fine. If she asks you what xyz looks like just say ‘there is nothing wrong with it at all’