Mother in law thinks I’m ugly

[DazedNotConfused1]

My mother in law has never outright said I am ugly, but she has never paid me any compliment on my appearance either. Conversely, she will constantly say how handsome her son (my DH) is and how beautiful her daughter is. I’m starting to believe she thinks I am not attractive at all and not good enough for her son.

Whenever I see MIL, I make sure to give her a compliment eg. “you look nice”, “I like your hair!”, “lovely bag” etc you get the gist as I genuinely do feel she looks good, and if she puts herself down I will say “no you always look good!” So she has plenty of opportunity to say something nice about me in return but NEVER has. I don’t want it to bother me but it does. She has complimented my DD saying how pretty they are, but whenever someone says my DS looks like me she looks uncomfortable and doesn’t comment. People say my DD looks like her father.

Is this just normal MIL behaviour? Has your MIL ever said anything nice about your appearance?

And yes before anyone says I know there are more important things than looks, but personally I would like to be thought of positively and not as someone who is bringing down their family’s attractiveness!

Am I being unreasonable in thinking my MIL must think I’m ugly?

Never compliment her again.
Why are you looking for her validation? She's not going to give it so stop expecting any.

You sound lovely, exactly - why not!

I have often heard my mother complimenting my brother’s partners too and I think that’s another reason why my MIL’s lack of compliments has become hard to ignore after a few years.

In 35 years, I don’t think my parents in law have ever commented on my appearance. They’ve gushed over their grandchildren, they’ve very occasionally said “don’t you look smart,” to DH. Until your post I’ve not given it any thought.
If my life was a beauty pageant, they wouldn’t be the judges.

You are (presumably) happy with your looks. Your DH finds you attractive. What anyone else says or thinks doesn’t matter in the slightest.

Don’t give it any more headspace, OP.

Well my mil constantly criticises my weight (size 12, 32G) and my appearance/how I dress.

You mil doesn't comment on you, I'd infinitely prefer that.

I’ve known my MIL since 1992, and I don’t think she’s ever made a remark, positive or negative, on my appearance.

Yes I probably do have some self esteem issues and I guess that’s exactly why her silence sounds so deafening! If I was confident I probably wouldn’t give it a second thought but I do worry about how I am perceived so I need to work on that.

Haha I can relate to the feeling of just being “there”! You’re right she has said I’m a good mum and my DH says she is always singing my praises when I’m not there (my personality)! I do actually really like my MIL And we get on well so it’s not of much consequence in the grand scheme of things.

Stop complimenting her! You’ve got in a situation where she feels she can take it as her due. You can still be friendly and polite, just stop the compliments completely.

Given that she makes such a point in praising the son and daughter’s looks to you (and that you compliment her / are kind and she is not kind back) I would say she is doing it on purpose - exactly to make you feel inferior. Ignore her. It’s a pathetic move.

Mine just gave me advice yesterday on styling my hair to disguise my receding hairline. My hairline is exactly where it’s always been and not even particularly high.

Whenever I compliment her clothes or appearance she starts to respond in kind, squints at my hair or clothes and pointedly presses her lips together instead.

Whatever! It’s her problem, not mine.

Bless you! The image of your MIL squinting at you in disdain really made me giggle! My brother once kindly told me my hairline was receding and, like yours, it has always been this way and is what I would consider normal! To turkey we go ✈️

I wouldn’t say she is unkind back, more just completely skips over it if that makes sense.

On thinking about this I’ve just remembered she once text me ‘Hope you and my very handsome son have a lovely weekend’ 😂

Doesn't even say you like nice if you're dressed up to go out?

My ex mum never said anything nice about me, to me or anyone. She was jealous and frightened i was taking her son away from her control..

This. From what you've said, you're totally overthinking this. She compliments her own children's looks, because they are her children. Why on earth would she say you're pretty or whatever? It's meaningless. And why would you compliment her again and again? That's a bit odd. Just chill a bit. If she upsets you, just ignore her.

Surely she's commenting on her blood relatives who she's besotted with in a mum/gran unconditional love way. It's got nothing to do with actual aesthetics. I think my sons are gorgeous and would comment on it (and embarrass them) and probably would feel the same if they had kids. I'm aware it's subjective and not a statement of fact but it's rose tinted love. That's completely different to how I'd feel about a daughter in law. Even if I loved her it would be a warm affection not a "I think you're beautiful" kind of love . Surely you can understand that if you have kids? It's pretty weird you want your MIL to appraise you physically anyway. Don't give it another moment's thought.

I have often heard my mother complimenting my brother’s partners too and I think that’s another reason why my MIL’s lack of compliments has become hard to ignore after a few years.

Your mum may have the same thing as you about needing to compliment people to feel liked. Not saying it's not a nice thing, but you do say you have self esteem issues so you probably do it to help you feel likeable whereas your MIL isn't fussed for that and is too starry eyes about her handsome son to mind about anything other than you treating him well.

So, she's told you that you're a good mum, she apparently sings your praises, and you get on well with her?

Why would you need her to comment on your appearance? I genuinely don't understand.

I first met my MIL in 1989. She has never commented on my appearance - and I've never thought to think either negatively or positively about that.
There's a slight vibe that she doesn't think I'm good enough for her only son - but that doesn't bother me in the slightest.
She acknowledges I'm a good mum to her GCs, and I acknowledge the same in return.

I'll pass remark on occasion that her hair looks nice (or whatever) - but, that's generally because our conversation isn't free flowing. It's just a filler - I don't wait for a reciprocal compliment.

I was good looking when I was a young woman. The only compliment my MIL ever paid me in 10 years was on my wedding day and she said 'you look lovely, my dear'. Let's be fair, most brides scrub up well on that day. I was disappointed that she never said anything nice again. When she saw my daughter in hospital for the first time her comment was that she looked too big a baby for me to have birthed! I'm only 5 foot. She was a miserable old bitch and I don't think she ever warmed to me.
She was over the moon with the teenage trollop her son had an affair with left his family for. You'll never win.

My mother in law said the first time DH took me to meet the parents she was just relieved that I wasn’t thin (she laments never having been thin herself despite depriving herself for years 🙄).

Why on earth do you care what your MIL thinks? You do not need her validation.

Don't worry about her. She may well think you're gorgeous but not say it for whatever reason (doesn't occur to her, she's envious, finds it easier to compliment her children than someone else, etc etc)

I would like to be thought of positively and not as someone who is bringing down their family’s attractiveness!

Sorry but what the hell have I just read!?

Why do you care so much about what your MIL thinks of you in any respect? All that matters is what YOU think of you!

For what it's worth, though, I think a lot of people only comment on someone else's appearance in order to feel better about themselves. Could that be what's happening here?

Well, I don't know why you want her to comment on your 'attractiveness' when you seem to strongly believe she thinks you are ugly.
In which case it's probably for the best she doesn't mention it?!
And don't give her empty compliments in the hope of fishing for something similar, it's clearly not going to be forthcoming.
Apart from failing to acknowledge your resemblance to Margot Robbie, is she just generally not very nice to you? I'd just avoid seeing her any more than strictly necessary. On the bright side at least she thinks her own son is attractive which must be scintillating for her?!

My mother in law never pays me compliments… never in a million years did I conclude it’s because I’m ugly. I think you’re way overthinking this.

Why do you need her validation anyway?