Mother in law thinks I’m ugly

[DazedNotConfused1]

My mother in law has never outright said I am ugly, but she has never paid me any compliment on my appearance either. Conversely, she will constantly say how handsome her son (my DH) is and how beautiful her daughter is. I’m starting to believe she thinks I am not attractive at all and not good enough for her son.

Whenever I see MIL, I make sure to give her a compliment eg. “you look nice”, “I like your hair!”, “lovely bag” etc you get the gist as I genuinely do feel she looks good, and if she puts herself down I will say “no you always look good!” So she has plenty of opportunity to say something nice about me in return but NEVER has. I don’t want it to bother me but it does. She has complimented my DD saying how pretty they are, but whenever someone says my DS looks like me she looks uncomfortable and doesn’t comment. People say my DD looks like her father.

Is this just normal MIL behaviour? Has your MIL ever said anything nice about your appearance?

And yes before anyone says I know there are more important things than looks, but personally I would like to be thought of positively and not as someone who is bringing down their family’s attractiveness!

Am I being unreasonable in thinking my MIL must think I’m ugly?

Why are you asking if it’s normal MIL behaviour? My goodness ,I didn’t know there was such a thing . They are all completely different just as all SIL and DiLs etc are all different. No one is hard wired to act a certain way . Lol

Dear god. This is madness.

Maybe she only feels comfortable commenting on the attractiveness of people she is very close to. Passing comment on someone's appearance is quite intimate for many people.

I compliment people on many things but rarely their looks (except in very specific circumstances where you know their looks are important eg telling a bride she looks beautiful). To be honest passing comment on people's attractiveness feels a tad creepy and uncomfortable to me. The exception to this is the few people I am extremely close to - my children, my best friends. But then these are also the people who I know I could say when they don't look good and they wouldn't take offence. Looks are such a personal issue and a source of sensitivity for many people, I just think it's hard to know the impact of passing comment unless you are really really close to that person.

I really don't think that makes me a narcissi.

Some people just don't give out compliments. It doesn't mean they dislike you or think you're ugly. Your compliments seem abit transactional. You give them so feel you should receive them?

What a load of hog shit.

Just stop worrying about whether she thinks you are pretty or not. You do not need validation from her and I would personally stop giving her compliments. She sounds jealous that you are with her son. Just see her when you need to and enjoy your little family without worrying about what she thinks of you. Life too short to obsess over mil and her thoughts.

I would never comment on anyone's looks. I compliment my children because they are my children, but I wouldn't dare say anything about someone else. It's rude imo. Plus many people hate being looked at and judged by their looks. Your MIL is being sensible.

Yes, my MIL has complimented me.

People who give out fake compliments and wait for them back - ugh.

Grow up. Why do you need validation?

‘She’s a narcissist’

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

At least once every thread, along with LTB, and ‘go NC’

My MIL made a derogatory comment about my looks recently in public so all the family heard and I was not happy. She is a bit gaga, but it made me very self-conscious and I’m very sensitive about my appearance. She was told off by her sons (Dh and BIL) and she did apologise but really there was no need as it was apropos of nothing!
Before that I’m not sure she’s mentioned my looks in 30 years!!
I would say your MIL is vain and probably a bit jealous if she’s mark g a big deal of her family’s attractiveness.

Same!

I've never even considered it!

I know my ex mil liked me generally yet she never complimented me.

My partner's mum once complimented an unusual dress I was wearing.

I can't say its ever crossed my.mind.

Whenever I see MIL, I make sure to give her a compliment eg. “you look nice”, “I like your hair!”, “lovely bag” etc you get the gist as I genuinely do feel she looks good, and if she puts herself down I will say “no you always look good

I'd feel really awkward if someone found something to compliment about me every time they saw me. It just feels disingenuous.

It's also pretty rude to 'correct' her if she puts herself down. She's allowed to have an off day or feel blah without you being sycophantic. It also makes your other compliments seem insincere. She doesn't need you to tell her she "always looks good." She knows what she looks like good and bad.

I'd find that irritating tbh.

I also tell my children they're beautiful. I wouldn't feel the need to compliment their partners every time I saw them.

I think my partner's daughter is beautiful and his son is a good looking lad. I don't compliment them routinely either.

Stop paying her compliments OP, I am sure she doesn’t think you are ugly at all, probably just a bit jealous of your relationship with her son perhaps? I wouldn’t over think it, just not worth it.

I do wish the word "narcissist" hadn't become part of ordinary conversation. It completely minimises what narcissism is and the appalling impact it has on the people in contact with it.
@DazedNotConfused1 Your mil may be a horrible human being, but nothing you have said indicates that she is.

Maybe she does think you're ugly, or at least not attractive. But if she does, she's not saying anything actively bad. If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all and all that.

Or maybe she finds it difficult to have her son's attention taken away by another woman. Again, she's still not saying anything actively bad.

You've built this into a huge thing in your head which it just doesn't need to be.

You sound very self absorbed OP.

I think this says more about how you feel about yourself rather than what your MIL thinks of you.
Try not to let it get to you, stop complimenting her and just forget about it. Who cares how attractive she thinks you are? Your husband loves you and thinks you're attractive - that's all that matters. There is more to a person than what they look like!

Do you think she's attractive? There are people who communicate via compliments on looks ie 'you're looking wonderful! I love your earrings!' which I think displays something about them. Plus she finds your dh and gd attractive because she can see herself in them 😂

Just because someone doesn't actively tell you that you are good looking, doesn't mean they think you are ugly!

Mums always say that kind of stuff to their children, why are you thinking so much into it? Parents think their kids are the most beautiful things in the world.

Is she telling everyone else they are beautiful too or just her children?

I think you need to relax a bit, you sound insecure about your appearance to be dwelling on it this much.

I agree, it is weird how MIL's are seen as some kind of single entity.

Anyone could become a MIL... even you, OP!

They're obviously not all the same.

My mil never commented on my appearance, thinking about it, but I never once considered she thought I was ugly. I’m not and don’t have self esteem issues, I certainly didn’t need validation from her.

i think the fact you do, is a concern for you. As long as you like how you look and your husband does, this is all that matters.

I don't understand why you think your mil should compliment your looks?

I've never had a conversation about whether my mil is beautiful and I assume she never has about me.

Is she polite ti you? Does she treat you well?

My dds are both beautiful inside and out. They have lovely boyfriends who treat them well . I don't think I've ever particularly thought about their boyfriends looks they are nice looking I guess. But I certainly never told them.

I tell my son’s girlfriend often thatt she looks beautiful or that her outfit is gorgeous or her hair looks nice or her nails are pretty, or her perfume smells nice, I mean everything I say, there’s no fakeness to it, she’s lovely inside and out so I will obviously also say well done or I’m proud her etc for things not connected to her appearance., it’s enjoyable for me to tell her that I think she’s great because I do, I think it’s really sad your mil hasn’t ever given you a complement, to me that’s hurtful.

If you want a different perspective, my husband‘s MIL comments all the time about how good looking he is and what a great husband he is. When she comments about how attractive he is, it gives him the complete ick and it’s borderline creepy. It’s like she’s attracted to him. I can’t even tell you how gross this makes me feel. one time she said to me you’re very lucky. I just replied am I? I think he’s the lucky one. I think she wanted me to realise that somehow I am not attractive enough to have pulled him.

My mil does this.
Its because shes self-absorbed. She doesnt even think about me. My son is an extension of herself / his successes are hers.

she also cant say thank you to me. She will thank my husband for a meal i pay for.

She did this from when i first met my dh and i was a solid 8.5/10 then.

My advice:
Drop the rope.
Dont compliment her or her things.
Stop seeking her good opinion - You wont get it.

EDIT: my mil doesnt the creepy ick thing too. She strokes him and always wants to put her feet on him. Dh hates it its a form of spouseification i think.
She also tells me hoooow lucky i am. I laugh my head off everytime and tell her he is the lucky one. she hates it so does it less now 😁

I can't recall my MIL paying me a compliment but never occurred to me that she thought i was ugly, I've also until now never thought whether or not she did pay me one. Odd what we fixate on. If she did think you were ugly would it matter? Do you think you are ugly as I suspect this is about you not her, are you projecting do you think.

It's one of those situations where the old adage "what other people think of me is none of my business" would be apt. That and "thoughts aren't facts" - yours or hers.