Mother in law thinks I’m ugly

[DazedNotConfused1]

My mother in law has never outright said I am ugly, but she has never paid me any compliment on my appearance either. Conversely, she will constantly say how handsome her son (my DH) is and how beautiful her daughter is. I’m starting to believe she thinks I am not attractive at all and not good enough for her son.

Whenever I see MIL, I make sure to give her a compliment eg. “you look nice”, “I like your hair!”, “lovely bag” etc you get the gist as I genuinely do feel she looks good, and if she puts herself down I will say “no you always look good!” So she has plenty of opportunity to say something nice about me in return but NEVER has. I don’t want it to bother me but it does. She has complimented my DD saying how pretty they are, but whenever someone says my DS looks like me she looks uncomfortable and doesn’t comment. People say my DD looks like her father.

Is this just normal MIL behaviour? Has your MIL ever said anything nice about your appearance?

And yes before anyone says I know there are more important things than looks, but personally I would like to be thought of positively and not as someone who is bringing down their family’s attractiveness!

Am I being unreasonable in thinking my MIL must think I’m ugly?

I’m a bit sharp with anyone who tells my daughter how pretty she is. They’ll always tell my son how clever he is, but she gets ‘pretty’. They’re only small but I’m not having that sort of thing bed in to their young minds.

Maybe just stop thinking about it.

I don’t think it’s actually about the compliments. Not everyone is a lone wolf and doesn’t care about what anyone thinks about them - despite what MN says.

Its not unusual to want to be accepted in to a new family and some people use compliments as a way to show kindness and love - especially to a MIL who is often seen as the matriarch of the new family.

When the person that energy & compliments are being directed at just swallows them up without showing any kindness and love back it can feel hurtful and is a representation of them not us. We are not robots.

My ex mil was the same. No matter what I did it was ignored and she couldn’t even bring herself to say anything to nice to me even on my wedding day.

OP you dont need the approval, love or kindness of this woman. She is just a human being who may not be capable of having the kind of relationship you’d like. Protect yourself and don’t give that energy away so easily to her. She probably won’t even notice.

I’ve been married for 18 years and my mother in law has never complimented me. But then she’s never said anything nice about our cooking or our house renovations. She’s just not an effusive person, save for about my DH and his brother. Just the way she’s programmed.

YANBU. It is just another way to keep you in your box, another way to put the screws in on the person your son loves.

My MIL is like this. At my wedding she went round telling all her family (who only met me that day) that I didn't normally look this good. She has never once paid me a compliment, but constantly fishes for them. Whenever we have been to a wedding or somewhere we had to dress up, she has turned it into a competition with her and her DD. She once told me, "I feel sorry for you. Your DC look nothing like you, and are like my family". They don't. In fact, my DC are very good looking, because they have inherited certain traits from my side.

I don't care what my MIL thinks of my looks. She has no taste, and she is not a good looking woman herself. My own mother is a lovely looking woman, whereas my MIL looks and dresses like Hyacinth Bucket.

I hate this cultural thing we have about shouting people down when they talk about looks. You don't find it in other cultures. If you are good looking, good for you. Use it to your advantage. Why is this good fortune any less of a benefit than being really funny, or being really clever?

What does matter here is what you think of yourself. I don't care what my in-laws think of my looks. I think I am good looking, and there is nothing my MIL can do to take that from me. Your MIL is insecure. When my DS's bring their GF's home, I tell them to their face that I think they are gorgeous, but then I am not insecure and jealous of other women.

Yep. The woman tells op she's a good mum and sings her praises to her hubby (perhaps an equivalent of telling op her son is handsome). Yet according to @StormingNorman and a few others, sgesa narcissist. Hmm
@DazedNotConfused1 Your mil thinks you are a good mum and sings your praises. That to me sounds wonderful.

If she thinks her darling boy is lovely, leave her to say it. I.would not care if she didn't compliment me . Leave her to.it

So someone who doesn’t compliment you, thinks you are ugly? That’s a huge leap.

My MIL always comments on everyone's appearance because it's her own insecurity. She's not being unkind. She tends only to say nice things. She's always telling me I'm beautiful.

But... tbh I find it annoying to think that appearances are what someone judges others on.

My own beautiful mum never made a big deal out of my looks or anyone else's. It's just not the most interesting thing about a person op.

I'd try to talk to her about more interesting topics.

Yep.

Maybe because you comment first she forgets to say it back? So you say oh you look lovely and then she says oh god no I look awful and that directs the conversation. I’m assuming her other comments come at other points and that you don’t just stand there talking about how good looking everyone is? Make weather conversation instead and stop telling her how lovely she is if it’s upsetting you not to hear it back!!!

I didn’t read that update. Probably because it wasn’t posted until half an hour after I commented.

My MiL never commented about my appearance and I never commented on hers. I didn't see it as a problem either way.

Why would she tell you how beautiful you are, that's not the norm😂

@DazedNotConfused1
I agree with the first and second posters on here,

Why do you feel an allmost constantly need for her your mother in laws validation so much then?

Why does her point of view matter so much then to you ?

Something/ somebody in your life in your life has done a real number on you,
What do you think 🤔 this could be then or is it a case a mix of things then?

Really address these low self esteem issues as it could even unitenially effect your offspring and the way you bring them up,

Low self esteem can and often seeps in to areas of our life ..

Your mother sounds like she has some insecurities maybe hasn't got much going on in her life
So she is naturally overly invested in your life
She sounds like she is a bit jealous of you..

Because she hasn't commented on looks?

You sound insecure OP.

You would feel uncomfortable telling someone they are looking well? Or you liked their outfit/shoes/new bag?

For most people I know it’s part of a greeting, Hello, how are you? You’re looking really well. Is that a new jacket? It’s a lovely colour on you. Type of thing. Maybe it’s a bit gushy but I think it would be considered impolite if you didn’t and people I know would take offence thinking you couldn’t find a single nice thing to say. I think most people put time, thought and money into their appearance and a compliment just recognises the effort.

Are you also saying that she’s closer to one GC than the other? Closer to the one who looks like her?

It's important to remember that I once posted on this forum about my MIL sending me some money when I was down and broke and dp was away for work, with a note to say that I should use it to go and have fun with dd-I wasn't to use it for anything practical. And someone said I should sent it back because she was trying to control me.

This is all that matters really. This is wonderful praise. This is much preferable to empty comments about appearance.

She compliments her children and grandchildren because she has too. It doesn’t mean that they are beautiful and you are not.

Do you really need/want her to give you a fake compliment?

I also have no memory of my MIL complimenting my appearance but it's never made me think she thinks that I'm ugly.
I can tell she loves my her actions and that's what's most important to me.

@DazedNotConfused1

Oops sorry i ment obviously mother in law *

What your MIL thinks about your looks is not really important if at all.

My MIL has never complimented me on my looks. It’s not something she would ever do. It doesn’t mean she thinks I’m ugly.

You’re looking well is usually perceived as you’ve put on weight. It is a bit gushy and I don’t think it’s rude not to compliment appearance. I work with mainly men, I can’t imagine behaving like this, and for all my female friends, I complement if they look specially nice or something new/dressed up, but I don’t go all over board like you suggest when they are wearing jeans and a hoodie and come to chill at mine.

I agree with people saying this is coming from a place of insecurity. That it's not that she doesn't think you are attractive but that she is worried you are too attractive or otherwise too good for her DS and her family. She is (undoubtedly unconsciously) trying to remind you what a wonderful family you have married into and that you aren't too good or attractive for them.

They say people often marry people similar to the same sex parent (i know one lovely woman whose dad was a serial cheater. She went on to have three marriages and each one cheated within the first three years). It sounds like your husband has an insecure mum and was attracted to someone with similar traits.