To want a shower one night a week. DH says I’m a c**t

[Hopingforbetterluck]

I’ve just had enough. WW3 started because we came back from holiday on Sunday, I’ve not had a chance to wash my hair since then, busy unpacking, washing, WFH, life with 2 small DC. Last night I wanted to have a shower and wash my hair and for DH to put tea in while I did that once the kids were in bed. Apparently I’m a twt, a c*t, a bitch. A real woman would have dinner on the table every night. He smashed around the kitchen making a sht tea as he put it.

He says I should be having a shower at lunch time while eldest DC is at nursery and youngest is asleep but I’ve worked overtime this week and not had chance not to mention the fact I’d rather have a shower at the start or end of the day. He says it’s my poor time management that’s caused this argument and me and my attitude can sleep on the sofa tonight. I’m just so heartbroken that my life has come to this. My dad and no other man in my life would ever dream of speaking to me like this yet this is who I’ve ended up with.

A real woman would have dinner on the table every night.

A real man wouldn’t abuse his wife and the mother of his children. A real man wouldn’t be verbally and physically aggressive because someone asked them to cook some food. A real man would support you, love you, cherish you, and make you feel safe.

You have to leave. It won’t get better - I’ve been there. Don’t let your children grow up with this as their model for relationships.

Practical stuff:

If you’re married, you are legally entitled to half the house and probably some of his assets/pension as you’ve earned less. You can see a solicitor for free for a half hour and check.

You will qualify for universal credit - have a look at one of the online calculators and see how much you could get.

Talk to people - your family, women’s aid, your friends. Once you start telling people it becomes real, and it becomes a situation you can plan to leave, rather than this horrible secret that makes you feel gaslit and isolated. You’ve already made a great start by telling us here.

I’ve been there and I can’t promise leaving this abusive prick will be easy. but it IS achievable and you will NEVER regret it.

no point in dragging this out, end the relationship regardless of what you have he has or the fact that life will be a bit different for a while.
he's abusive and you say getting worse since the birth of the first child, so no it won't get any better. raising children is challenging at all ages including early 20's.

Kill him

This. It matters not that the house is in his name. Speak to women's aid.

@TheCultureHusks they will most likely delete your post but i would be plotting a dixie chicks earl scheme.

Speak to women's aid, please.

Get out, get safe and start a life without him.

Nice victim blaming there... 🙄

Women's Aid; you don't have to live with the streak of piss that he is. You don't have to put up with the awful way he treats youl talk to WA, make a plan. Good luck. you can do it

OP you must leave. You still sound young, you have your whole life ahead of you.

For your kids sake leave. You don’t want them to see this as any kind of life. How would you feel if they ended up in this situation. Heartbroken I’m sure.

You're married. His house is half yours. I would try and get some legal advice so that you can exit this shitshow asap. He's an abusive arsehole.

You need a safe way of leaving him/ending your relationship. He is a savage, as you know. Can family or friends support you?

First class victim blaming. Five minutes? Seriously, you think that's ok?

L T B

Perhaps you don't have small children? What a ridiculous thing to say. I manage to wash my hair twice a week and it's deffo longer than 5 mins. It probably takes about an hour with drying and brushing and conditioning etc. Plus she literally said she prefers it in the evening. What are you even on about, are you a man?

Bollocks.

That 5 mins it takes is never actually 5 mins and we all know that.

I'm in a similar position to OP and I got up at 5.30am today to make sure I'd got time to shower and shave my legs, wash my hair etc as I've juat not had a chance since Tuesday and i felt minging.

Only difference for me is DH is in exactly same position and he would never call me like that.

No one deserves to be spoken to like that x

@Hopingforbetterluck Sweetheart, firstly, ignore the people focusing on your showering. That is irrelvant and they are completely missing the point.

I completely understand why you feel trapped, due to the financial reasons and contact reasons. However, I promise you, there are solutions to these, which will mean you would be able to leave.

Please seek advice from Women's Aid, also get a free half hour consultation with a solicitor, ensure you tell them about the abuse. You can check what benefits you'll be entitled to if you're on a low income. You may also be entitled to some of the house. This is why you need legal advice.

In terms of contact, as there is abuse here, you can get it arranged through a contact centre, so that it is supervised. You'll need some advice though about arranging this.

I promise you, there are solutions to the reasons that are currently preventing you from leaving.

When you are researching your escape, please do so safely, to protect yourself.

Abuse often starts during pregnancy, once they have you 'trapped'. He is an abuser. The way he speaks to you and disrespects you is not normal. I'm glad you realise this as this is a step towards realising that you do not deserve this.

Please do start looking into the financial side of being on your own. Staying with this man longer term will have a detrimental impact on you and your children, you really do need to leave as soon as you are able to.

I've left an abusive man and know how hard it is. You deserve better. You're a good person xxx

@MonsterMunched 5 minutes? It's possible that a shower itself can be done in 5 minutes but that's really tight if you are shampooing and conditioning hair, good lather of all the parts! Add to that a minute to get undressed, few mins to dry off, drying hair at least ten mins and so on...

Anyway, you're massively missing the point here of this thread

..you’ll never understand what it feels like to feel like that’s too much to ask and to be berated and called names every day
No, many of us won't but you know who will? Your children. What you are doing is modelling that this is what a 'normal' relationship is to them. So, if you have a son, this is how he will have learnt is how you treat girls and women. And if you have a girl, keep in mind that this could be her life in twenty years because it could be all she knows as her 'normal'

That's all.

That's so, so messed up OP. He didn't even have to watch the kids while he did it. He has serious problems. Please don't stay in the orbit of them.

I know how you feel about the finances. But he is abusive, there is help to leave. He is threatening you because you want to wash.
He is messed up.

@Hopingforbetterluck@Macaroni46 my XH put me down every single day, things ranged from not allowing me to have my own keys to the house I jointly owned with him and MY MONEY paid for the deposit, policing what I spent my OWN money on, ruining occasions with people other than him and his family, calling MY family abusive names, telling me I am thick, I am stupid, I am crap at housework, I am frigid, a bitch, a twat and "I hope you get cancer and die"! was a nicely charming outburst.

Playing up when I wanted to do anything without him, evening classes included. Refusing to speak to me for a weekend. Bullying me to stay in as I "had no time for him" then falling asleep on the sofa.

I knew I wasn't perfect but for whatever reason I was doubting my own contribution and that I wasn't good enough. I began to focus on my own mistakes and how I had made him like this. One day I kicked him out but it took me too long to wake up. I still felt guilty. This is what these terrible men do to us.

GO TO WOMEN'S AID PLEASE.

No it doesn't...when I'm washing my hair I'm 20 mins.

All depends on length etc. And yes OP might have had loads more to do

OP, can you go to womens aid and/or move in with your dad? Trust me, what would really break his heart would be to find out you had hidden your situation from him 💐

Also just because it’s physically possible to have a 5 minute shower, I think it’s really OK for you to take as long as you like, and your husband to step up and sort out tea. I’m sorry this is happening to you, even if you can’t leave now please make plans for the future.