To want a shower one night a week. DH says I’m a c**t

[Hopingforbetterluck]

I’ve just had enough. WW3 started because we came back from holiday on Sunday, I’ve not had a chance to wash my hair since then, busy unpacking, washing, WFH, life with 2 small DC. Last night I wanted to have a shower and wash my hair and for DH to put tea in while I did that once the kids were in bed. Apparently I’m a twt, a c*t, a bitch. A real woman would have dinner on the table every night. He smashed around the kitchen making a sht tea as he put it.

He says I should be having a shower at lunch time while eldest DC is at nursery and youngest is asleep but I’ve worked overtime this week and not had chance not to mention the fact I’d rather have a shower at the start or end of the day. He says it’s my poor time management that’s caused this argument and me and my attitude can sleep on the sofa tonight. I’m just so heartbroken that my life has come to this. My dad and no other man in my life would ever dream of speaking to me like this yet this is who I’ve ended up with.

A lot of the time the OP doesn’t return which makes me question if the post is real.

We’re talking about a 5 minute shower here which isn’t unheard of when you have small children. It’s a quick nip into the shower wash yourself and out again. I’m sure so many mums of small children do the same.

Personally if my DH had an issue with me showering we’d be having a serious chat.

Has he been watching Andrew Tate with all this stuff about what 'real' women should do?
He could see the children in a contact centre if his parenting skills are not great.
I think you could say that he is using inappropriate language round the children and he needs to have a break and stay somewhere else for a while.

I could only have a shower in ,,5 mins if I soaped up in the cold before putting the water on. I don't think people are washing properly.

I understand everyone telling me to leave, it’s exactly what I would say. It’s just hard to describe how trapped I feel, I can’t tell him to leave as although we’re married to all intents and purposes it’s his house and he wouldn’t leave. I earn so little a month and can’t afford to support us alone. He makes out it’s all my fault and I’m the reason he loses it and I’m just losing sight of what’s real. I just keep trying to keep going but I’m realising it’s not going to get better.

You know you deserve better than him. Bin him off. He's going to drain you, break your self esteem and drag you down. You'd be happier alone or you might over time find someone else a damn sight nicer. Also what a bad role model he is to your DC.

Why don't you reach out to women's aid?

although we’re married to all intents and purposes Does that mean you're not married?

I can’t tell him to leave as although we’re married to all intents and purposes it’s his house and he wouldn’t leave.

So you are not actually married, it's his house and you are financially dependent on him?

@MereDintofPandiculation no we are married but he bought the house just as we started dating and it’s all in his name

I’m realising it’s not going to get better.
It will get worse. And your children will be harmed - emotionally and mentally at the very least. Have you family that you can speak to?

What would happen if you booked yourself a premier inn tomorrow night and just went on your own for some time to yourself?

You're in an abusive relationship and for your sake and your children's sake you need to leave.

It won't get any better. Your self esteem and confidence will be eroded more and more as this continues.

Your children will also suffer his abuse too. It's also easier leave when they are younger as he is less likely to be able to manipulate them.

Please contact women's aid. See what social welfare you will be eligible for. Start putting a support network around you to help- family, friends, GP, women's aid etc. Get help to get out.

From the Women’s Aid website:
Psychological and emotional abuse can be difficult to describe or identify. It’s when a perpetrator uses words and non-physical actions to manipulate, hurt, scare or upset you. Some examples of emotional and verbal abuse are:

• Screaming and shouting at you
• Mocking you, calling you hurtful names or using derogatory words about you
• Sulking or refusing to talk or be kind until you do something they want
• Making you doubt your own sanity. This is known as gaslighting. A perpetrator may gaslight you into thinking that you are remembering things wrong or that you are misinterpreting things, later making you believe their version of events is true. This behaviour is often used to manipulate.
• Threatening that they will destroy something, hurt you or commit suicide
• Threatening to report you to the police, social services or a mental health team if you don’t do what they say
• Telling you that they’re sorry, that it isn’t abuse
• Telling you that you deserve or cause the abuse
• Threatening to kill or harm you and/or your children

If you're married op, then all assets are shared and jointly owned regardless of whose name is on what.

OP, do you think you could call Women’s Aid tomorrow?

You’re married, you’re entitled to at least 50/50 and probably more as there is a disparity between what you earn.

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Trust me, OP: he won’t bother with contact time after the first week or two

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I agree OP that your husband is a twat and I’d consider leaving him.

a completely separate issue is you not being able to shower for 5 days. you need to organise your time differently and reprioritise. I’ve two kids and a full time job and I can tell you it takes 10 min to shower if needs be. 5 days without a shower is a bit disgusting.

Hi OP. You deserve to be able to shower more than once a week and not feel guilty about spending time on your hair, your routine or just relaxing under the jet.

The problem isn’t this evening’s argument and your partner’s choice language. You are doing so much childcare and housework that you feel you don’t have time to shower…and he is happy with that. And from one of your later posts it sounds like this outburst isn’t a one off.

Do you have an intrinsic value to him, or is it about what you can do for him?

I've read your posts, OP, but not all the replies.

It's obvious to an outsider just reading that you need to leave him, but of course that's easier said than done. You need support first, to work out how to get into a position where you can leave, and to plan it carefully while ensuring you stay safe.

I advise you to contact the national DA helpline: https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
and/or your local Women's Aid or equivalent service: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-directory/

If that's all you can manage at the moment, that's enough.

In the longer term, you do have options; more than you think. You can claim universal credit if you have no/low income and savings, you can make a homeless application if you have nowhere safe to go and the council can help you. There are also options for getting legal advice about non-molestation and occupation orders; a solicitor might be able to advise about the likelihood of getting an occupation order which would allow you to stay and force him to leave, for example. The Rights of Women website and helpline are useful so a good place to start.

Good luck, OP.

And that’s your main concern from the OP’s post? 🙄🙄🙄

Seek support to leave this abusive man OP, you deserve so much better.

@sympatheticparrot fair enough, I should clarify I have of course had a quick body wash in those 5 days, what I mean by a proper shower is to shave and wash and condition my hair with time to dry and straighten it after

@AnitaLoos i just couldn’t break my dads heart, he’s nearly 80. My sister knows and she’s a great support but she’s got her own life and problems to deal with.

I guess I'm struggling with why you couldn't fit a shower in I mean I've got 3 toddlers and just have to get on with it. But I know one thing if I did want hubby to make tea so I could bath etc it wouldn't be a problem because he would never speak to me like yours or me him in that way