To want a shower one night a week. DH says I’m a c**t

[Hopingforbetterluck]

I’ve just had enough. WW3 started because we came back from holiday on Sunday, I’ve not had a chance to wash my hair since then, busy unpacking, washing, WFH, life with 2 small DC. Last night I wanted to have a shower and wash my hair and for DH to put tea in while I did that once the kids were in bed. Apparently I’m a twt, a c*t, a bitch. A real woman would have dinner on the table every night. He smashed around the kitchen making a sht tea as he put it.

He says I should be having a shower at lunch time while eldest DC is at nursery and youngest is asleep but I’ve worked overtime this week and not had chance not to mention the fact I’d rather have a shower at the start or end of the day. He says it’s my poor time management that’s caused this argument and me and my attitude can sleep on the sofa tonight. I’m just so heartbroken that my life has come to this. My dad and no other man in my life would ever dream of speaking to me like this yet this is who I’ve ended up with.

Jeez, OP is being abused and people are challenging her about her hygiene!
OP, will your Dad help you out? Have you got friends around for support? I think you know you need to leave, it’s a question of how and when.
You need to get legal advice but your marriage gives you an interest in the house. If your earnings are low you can probably claim UC, - check it out. You don’t have to live like this.

It’s no way to live. You’d get government help if you left, you’d be ok financially. It doesn’t sound like you plan to leave so not sure what to say, apart from you should, you don’t deserve to live like that, with an absolute arsehole of a husband. I hope one day you find the courage to leave, for you and your children

YANBU I would tell him that a real man would be supportive and not call his wife names, or bash around having a tantrum.

@Ladyj84 i have had a shower, the point was I wanted a proper shower, to wash, dry and straighten my hair. Thankfully you’ve got a supportive partner so you’ll never understand what it feels like to feel like that’s too much to ask and to be berated and called names every day.

Irrelevant. You're married so you'd be entitled to some of the house.
Also you could claim UC.
You'd manage , lots of people do.
You can't live like this.

Op, if you are in the UK, that house is 50% yours. When he bought it is irrelevant. You're married, it's your house.

He's abusive.

I would start making plans to leave.

OP the only even vaguely good part of what you have said so far is that you appear to recognise that he is an abusive arsehole.

However you then say you must stay and ensure this misery and sacrifice your happiness and possibly safety because your elderly father would be sad if you left the marriage and you wouldn’t want your kids to be alone with their dad in contact time.

1. your dad if he loves you would not want you to spend another second with this disgusting excuse for a man that you are married to. I can only assume he doesn’t know what you are being subjected to. If he does and still would prefer you stay married because of shame or some misguided opinion that marriage is to be endured despite utter misery then he’s not a decent father and his opinion should carry no weight at all.
2. if you have genuine concerns about your children’s safety based on the past history with their dad then you need to keep them away from him and he can go to court for access. Please think how their life is going to be seeing a desperately unhappy abused mum who is enduring that because of them somehow.

Talk to women’s aid. Tell your family you aren’t safe (psychologically certainly you aren’t but his language sounds that of a man at the very least in the brink of other abuse) and you need to leave and ask for their help. Can you stay with your sister or father and take the kids? Can you apply for emergency housing or refuge?

You WILL have options. They may be frightening and less than what you wanted in so many ways but staying will never get better. In the end, leaving will let you find peace and eventually you can rebuild a home and have a bloody shower whenever you want to .

Exactly. And more importantly, you cannot allow your kids to grow up in an abusive environment like this, only to be damned with the curse of choosing the same kind of abusive partner when they get older. This abuse will become their normal.You have an obligation to protect them from this type of dysfunction, and you deserve a happy, safe life, too.

It's time to make plans to end this relationship.

Who owns the house?
Whose name is on the mortgage/deeds?
If rented, whose name is on the lease?

This so-called man believes he is your lord and master and that you owe him clean clothes, meals, household cleaning, and probably sex. His contempt for you is a very serious matter.

Don't stay with him. Since you work, you have a good chance of getting away.

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/crime-info/types-crime/domestic-abuse/#:~:text=National%20Domestic%20Abuse%20Helpline%3A%2024,support%20for%20women%20and%20children

please call somebody

That indicates to me that he's abusive toward the children too. It's a very common problem, but you can get past it.

Please call Women's Aid - 0808 2000 247.

Leave a message. They will call you back at a time that's good for you.

You need help.

You know what you need to do. You don't want risk the children turning out like their father. You don't deserve to be treated like that.

The ultimate aim of the abuser is to make the victim feel she has no options, that she must stay.

Make no mistake, this is abuse.

Do you have any family members you could move in with?

Are you legally married?

Please contact Women's Aid.

I can't believe what I have just read. You needed to take a shower and asked yoir husband, a man who vowed in law to love and support you to put on tea and in return you got a mouthful of abuse.

What the actual hell? My partner and I aren't married and don't have children but lead busy lives and often ask each other to pick up jobs. It's called being a partnership.

Your husband is a dick.

Unfortunately it’s very real. It didn’t start out
quite so bad but has got steadily worse since my first pregnancy.

Unreal.

There are such utter arses on this site sometimes, always looking to put the boot into the op while completely missing the point of the thread.

I understand how it feels. I've been there. Try to stay strong. He can call you all the names he likes but he can't penetrate who you are. Build a metaphorical wall around yourself and imagine his nasty words and cruel names as arrows bouncing off your wall / shield, deflecting back to him. This is how I survived over 20 years of abuse. Took me too long to leave. Try to start making plans to leave now and in the meantime, use a strategy like the one I described to protect yourself.

Anyone who called me any of those names would not remain in my social circle.

I don't even have them used around me, never mind at me.

Could you move in with your Dad? He surely wouldn’t want you to be treated and abused like this :(

Yep

The point

You

You have to put yourself and your children first, now, and that means not putting up with this abuse. It isn't easy to take the first steps, but putting it off won't make it any easier, and meanwhile your kids will be absorbing this atmosphere and learning that this is 'normal'.

"You should probably leave then, I'm a terrible wife and you deserve better. Bye!"