To want a shower one night a week. DH says I’m a c**t

[Hopingforbetterluck]

I’ve just had enough. WW3 started because we came back from holiday on Sunday, I’ve not had a chance to wash my hair since then, busy unpacking, washing, WFH, life with 2 small DC. Last night I wanted to have a shower and wash my hair and for DH to put tea in while I did that once the kids were in bed. Apparently I’m a twt, a c*t, a bitch. A real woman would have dinner on the table every night. He smashed around the kitchen making a sht tea as he put it.

He says I should be having a shower at lunch time while eldest DC is at nursery and youngest is asleep but I’ve worked overtime this week and not had chance not to mention the fact I’d rather have a shower at the start or end of the day. He says it’s my poor time management that’s caused this argument and me and my attitude can sleep on the sofa tonight. I’m just so heartbroken that my life has come to this. My dad and no other man in my life would ever dream of speaking to me like this yet this is who I’ve ended up with.

@Lavender14
“As someone who has spent years working with women who have experienced domestic violence this is one hell of a leap you are making. Your mother’s experience (and yours) sounds horrific and I'm sorry you had to go through that. But you cannot use that as an excuse to undermine other victims of domestic abuse because they don't have it "as bad" as someone else did”

I’m very sorry @Lavender14 but I’m afraid I disagree with you. You may well have spent years working second hand with domestic abuse. I spent years living with it.
There absolutely are degrees.

OP has experienced verbal abuse, which is clearly totally unacceptable. That is the point where she ought to have left, for the sake of her first child. she went on to have a second child with the same man, knowing full well the situation she was bringing that child into.

She must take the advice of the majority of respondents and get away from this man, now, for the sake of her children. There is always a way. If my mother, working class and unsupported, was able to do so in the 1970s, it’s certainly possible now.

@therealcookiemonster thank you. He’s not violent, he sometimes gets in my face and puffs his chest out which I find intimidating but he’s never hit me. It sounds awful but in some ways I wish he would and then I could just call the police to have him removed and have something concrete to tell people”

Coercive control is illegal. Call the police, now.

Your point is?

I'm so sorry OP. He's not a nice person and he has no right to speak to you like that. I hope you get some good advice from Women's Aid.
Don't be afraid to leave him. Can you go to your parents or rent a room from a friend for a while? Somewhere safe? In my own case, after DV, I moved to live with a friend and then when everything was finalised a few months later, he went back to his parents' and I was able to move back home. One important thing is to get yourself some money put away. Make sure you have access to the joint finances and when you do leave, put your share somewhere he can't touch it. Good luck xx.

@MrsSkylerWhite I’m very sorry for what you have experienced but you keep posting things making assumptions about what has gone on. I didn’t go on to have a second child with him knowing what he was like. Things have become significantly worse since our second DC was born for whatever reason. She’s not an easy baby and DH hasn’t coped well with becoming a family of 4. He had assured me before we tried for DC2 that he would step up. I didn’t foresee what is now happening and I will try my best to resolve it. Please be kind.

And yes, @Lavender14 . It was horrific. Which is why I become so frustrated when I read of younger women sleepwalking themselves and their children into what will invariably become a far worse situation through inaction, whilst they still have the ability to do something about it.

Hopingforbetterluck · Today 23:10
@MrsSkylerWhite I’m very sorry for what you have experienced but you keep posting things making assumptions about what has gone on. I didn’t go on to have a second child with him knowing what he was like. Things have become significantly worse since our second DC was born for whatever reason. She’s not an easy baby and DH hasn’t coped well with becoming a family of 4. He had assured me before we tried for DC2 that he would step up. I didn’t foresee what is now happening and I will try my best to resolve it. Please be kind.”

I am sorry.
Please, please, seek help. He won’t change. There is much good advice on your thread. Follow it up for the sake of your children.
All the best X

“Unfortunately it’s very real. It didn’t start out quite so bad but has got steadily worse since my first pregnancy.”

Again, I am sorry. You are in a dreadful situation but as the second child of an emotionally and physically abused mother, whose children were also abused, I just can’t understand understand why you went on to have a second child with to a bad man.

Please, Leave him.

Your husband's reaction is terrible.
Do not put up with that.

You should make it non negotiable that you each speak respectfully to one another, regardless of whether you agree with what is being discussed.

It should be possible for you to have several relaxed half hours in the evenings per week while the kid's father takes charge of the kitchen and the kids.

Also invent a way for youself to have some me time easily at other times. Do you have a big, safe playpen?
Do your children have safe cots?Is your back yard safe if the kids are unsupervised for 15 minutes. Solve those problems and you will be more free to take ten minutes whenever you need it (even if the klids are whining and screaching.)

I've also been in a dv relationship so yes I do also have first hand experience. In my case my ex mentally abused me so badly that I genuinely believed that I would never cope with life without him. He took everything from me mentally - i didn't even know what size clothes i should be wearing or what i really looked like by the end, but never once did he lay a hand on me. It took me years to recover from the mental abuse. If he had hit me it actually would have been easier to see the gaslighting for what it was. But that is how it usually starts, with so much mental control and gaslighting that the womans mind is so full of confusion that it becomes extremely difficult to understand what is happening let alone be able to see it for what it is and walk away.

With respect, it's very different being a child growing up around domestic abuse than being in the relationship yourself which is probably why you're struggling to understand and empathise with ops experience and decisions as it is so different than yours.

There are degrees of violence and degrees of control but the two aren't mutually exclusive and they don't always look the same.

You say there is always a way. Given that 2 women a week in the UK are murdered by their partner, unfortunately that's just not always true. It's essential that women are given the right support and understanding that they need to decide when is the right time for them to leave, noone else knows their situation better than they do. Your judgement doesn't help keep women safe.

@MrsSkylerWhite , OP has explained that although life got worse since the first pregnancy, the control and abuse happened after the second. Please stop saying you can't understand why she had a second with him. It's not helpful or constructive.

I am sorry for what you went through. But OP is not your mother so please stop projecting your experience onto her.

This is what happened to me. ExDH was pretty supportive during the first pregnancy and when DC1 was born. Had his moments which in hindsight were red flags but mostly he was ok.
2nd pregnancy he started being more overly abusive and by the time DC2 was born, things had degenerated.
By then, I was dependent on him, no family I could turn to and as I was considerably younger than my friends who were still studying/travelling, I couldn't turn to them either.
So yes, let's not lay into the OP. Very easy for those who have not lived in an abusive relationship to point the finger or just chant LTB.

Hiya, citizens advice bureau will be able to direct you towards the process of getting legal aid to guide you through any separation you might want. Most family lawyers will offer you an hour free to run over your options - being informed is being empowered in these situations.

It’s difficult for me to give practical advice without knowledge of your details but as a top line; you’re entitled to a min of 50% of the house but if his means are much greater than yours you may well be entitled to more - especially if the kids live predominantly with you. He will also have to pay child maintenance- worked out on how many nights the kids live with you (you can work this out roughly here - https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance). Additionally you will be entitled to either an ongoing alimony payment until the kids are 18 OR you are co-habiting with someone else, or an additional lump sum for full and final severance. This is because there is a big disparity in your earnings.

Once all that is settled you can also apply for various benefits to help you and the kids.

Regarding him leaving the house I’m afraid the only way to force him is a non molestation order if you feel very unsafe, otherwise it needs to be mutually agreed. You are best encouraging him to ‘take space’ elsewhere to give you both time to breathe - make it as nice as possible (i.e for him to get space/ you’re thinking of him) - this sets a status quo of you in the house and him being able to afford to rent a flat elsewhere too. The longer that situation goes on the better as it tells the courts it has been working and will continue to work and he can afford it (status quo is quite important in these cases).

I hope this helps you to feel a bit empowered - I’d really recommend you contact the CAB on Tuesday and explore your options. I hope you’re ok x

(edited as I forgot to add about him leaving the house)

@Hopingforbetterluck
Hope you're doing ok and making decisions that benefit you and your DC. Really wishing you well. 💐