To want a shower one night a week. DH says I’m a c**t

[Hopingforbetterluck]

I’ve just had enough. WW3 started because we came back from holiday on Sunday, I’ve not had a chance to wash my hair since then, busy unpacking, washing, WFH, life with 2 small DC. Last night I wanted to have a shower and wash my hair and for DH to put tea in while I did that once the kids were in bed. Apparently I’m a twt, a c*t, a bitch. A real woman would have dinner on the table every night. He smashed around the kitchen making a sht tea as he put it.

He says I should be having a shower at lunch time while eldest DC is at nursery and youngest is asleep but I’ve worked overtime this week and not had chance not to mention the fact I’d rather have a shower at the start or end of the day. He says it’s my poor time management that’s caused this argument and me and my attitude can sleep on the sofa tonight. I’m just so heartbroken that my life has come to this. My dad and no other man in my life would ever dream of speaking to me like this yet this is who I’ve ended up with.

Yes, you need to stop that @Daisylookslost you are perpetuating that having a wife means men can do and say this shitty stuff to them.

"Anyone now who has the freedom to post on social media - my mother was not allowed to use the house telephone/watch television/listen to radio unless my father listened/approved the programme - is highly likely to have the ability to access personal contraception."

As someone who has spent years working with women who have experienced domestic violence this is one hell of a leap you are making. Your mothers experience (and yours) sounds horrific and I'm sorry you had to go through that. But you cannot use that as an excuse to undermine other victims of domestic abuse because they don't have it "as bad" as someone else did. This is one of the many attitudes that stops women from leaving or speaking out about what's happening to them. In this day and age it's easier to have a secret online account because it can be hidden. Daily medication is much harder to hide. Also not all women (myself included) can use hormonal contraception. There's no one way for domestic abuse to look so comparisons like the ones you are making are deeply harmful to women experiencing domestic abuse.

There's definitely a cunt in your relationship.

It's not you 😘

Thanks to those who have offered support and practical advice. I’ve been subjected to a load more name calling and smashing about today. It’s clear we can’t go on like this and it’s not what I want for my children.

I have looked into what benefits I might be entitled to and will call women’s aid when I can. For those who have divorced before I’m confused how it all works. How do you get them to leave the house? I know he will make it difficult and threaten me.

I don’t earn much at all and am looking at ways to increase my earnings but doubt any lender would give me a mortgage. Even if I had half the money from our existing house there’s no way I could afford to buy in any local area. Do the council house us and surely I wouldn’t then be able to claim benefits as I’d have the savings from the house. I’ll get advice from a solicitor but just trying to get it all straight in my head.

It’s so easy for us on the internet to say ‘leave’ when it’s so much more complex than that. These things can be done quickly but usually need some planning. Can you call women’s aid? Leave some stuff at a friends or your Dads? I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP and I hope you’re okay xxx

It's great you are looking at a divorce OP. It really will be better for your children to grow up outside of an abusive relationship, even if you don't have the house etc. If he's like it with the children when you're not there, there will be a way to mitigate it, for example supervised visits only. Sorry you are with this twat x

I'm afraid I can't offer practical advice but I am so sorry you are in this situation. He's evil. I'm sure there are ways and means, and other posters who have experience will be able to advise you.

Your post made me so very angry for you, I'd love to punch his hateful lights out. You can't go on putting up with that. Have you got someone to turn to in real life? Even if you had to go into a refuge initially it would be better than putting up with this. I think he should be the one to go though, as you have the children.

I do hope you can find the strength to get rid of him. He's poison. Hugs xx

Women’s Aid have a live chat option, or can email you if that’s easier

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/

how old are your children?

eldest DC is at nursery and youngest is asleep

Mumsnet has made me wonder whether i was way too relaxed about popping my nursery shed child in front of TV whilst baby slept…. and then i’d have a shower and blow dry my hair! with no other adult in the house at all!

Well done.
I would start by secretly packing away things like important bank statements. Passports etc if needed take them to a friends.
Call women’s aid they can help with you all of this. You deserve so much better and so do your kids x

What?
This is a pathetic thing to say.

To those saying why did you have kids with him, he was always highly strung but nothing like this otherwise I wouldn’t have married him. He’s got steadily worse.

My children are only little, 4 and 1. I don’t see how can have them overnight when he has never changed a nappy, given them their tea, won’t put the youngest to bed and had an epic meltdown at me the one time he did it when I went for a meal with friends, calling me selfish, constantly calling me and shouting at me while I was out, ruining the only night out I had planned in years. I don’t even try to leave them with him at all know as I know he’ll just lose his temper.

If your child will stay there, happily, and without running riot then great. Some days mine would happily veg out in front of the TV and I would get away with it. Others, the second I stuck my head under the shower she'd be in the kitchen climbing the cabinets.

@Hopingforbetterluck

Do you think he would go for custody if you left, out of spite? I have a friend who's "partner" is totally uninterested in their child, but when she's tried to leave has said he'll go for full custody to take her child from her.

Personally I don't think any court in the world would give him full custody, but it has scared her.

Sorry, editing to add that I'm asking this as a genuine question, to see whether he might actually be happy enough for OP to take full responsibility for the kids. Not as a way of scaring her into staying.

You take a shower whenever you want to, not when he tells you to. No excuses needed. No discussion needed. If he doesn't want to fix the meal, let him go hungry and just fix something for yourself. Telling you to sleep on the sofa is just mind boggling. Punish, punish, punish - he is abusing you. I'm usually surprised at how often people tell someone to leave their husband but in this case I agree completely.

You can apply for council housing and see if they accept the application. They should be able to advise about housing associations to apply to too.

Sweet fucking lord that's all you have to say on this - it takes me 20 mins to half an hour wash my hair
but that the least of ops problems. ficki me. kick that asswhole hard up his fucking ass out the door and slam it shut behind him. locks change and divorce

@Hopingforbetterluck hi OP. in your place, I would start by making a list the various topics to research

1. Solicitors (you need to find a decent one who will give you the initial free hour and its urgent you speak to one asap)
2. Benefits
3. Housing
4. Childcare

etc. etc.

you say smashing about? is he actually hitting you? if he is being violent or threatening you can call the police and they will get him out and arrest him. legally its his home but if he is actually dangerous then you can have a legal order so he has to stay elsewhere (women's aid will advice you on this). if that is not possible, in your shoes I would go and stay elsewhere - with your dad/your friends or rent an apartment. apply for council housing by all means, and in your circumstances you might get something, but I wouldn't hold your breath.

it will take months for the divorce to be completed and for the financial settlement to come through. in the meantime you are definitely entitled to benefits. so make sure to apply for them immediately. also apply for child maintainance from him when you move out. do it formally via CMS so he can't mess you around. Once you receive your financial settlement, you can reassess.

he may not even want custody. if he does, it will only be partial and with such small children I can't see them granting overnights etc. you need to document the violent outbursts and report to police so you can limit contact ideally to supervised only.

Best of luck!

It's not just a crap way to talk to somebody, it's abuse. She can have a shower when she fucking wants, it's not a luxury. Just like he can have his tea whenever he wants, all he has to do is cook it himself like a big boy.

As a wife you have what's known as a beneficial interest in the marital home. This means that you cannot be kicked out.

He, on the other hand...

Call women's aid and get the police involved. What he's doing is criminal and you have rights, rights that he is riding roughshod over.

Take care and stay safe xxx

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos i am afraid of this. He’s vindictive and has said in the past that I won’t be raki g his kids from him and the house is his.

@therealcookiemonster thank you. He’s not violent, he sometimes gets in my face and puffs his chest out which I find intimidating but he’s never hit me. It sounds awful but in some ways I wish he would and then I could just call the police to have him removed and have something concrete to tell people. This kind of abuse is so hard to live with but so hard to explain to other people IRL and I feel he twists everything and makes me sound crazy and a lot of our friends and family will believe him.

You need to contact a support group for abused women to get advice, also the C.A.B and will then have enough information and support to know how to get free of this situation.

I knew a woman whose husband was like this. She managed to get a house through a housing association for her and her son, and just moved out one day. Hopefully Womens Aid will be able to help you make a good plan for yourself.

As for him getting worse - that is really common. Dont listen to the 'why did you have children' brigade. It is well known that abuse often starts once you are pregnant or they perceive you are trapped by having kids.