To want a shower one night a week. DH says I’m a c**t

[Hopingforbetterluck]

I’ve just had enough. WW3 started because we came back from holiday on Sunday, I’ve not had a chance to wash my hair since then, busy unpacking, washing, WFH, life with 2 small DC. Last night I wanted to have a shower and wash my hair and for DH to put tea in while I did that once the kids were in bed. Apparently I’m a twt, a c*t, a bitch. A real woman would have dinner on the table every night. He smashed around the kitchen making a sht tea as he put it.

He says I should be having a shower at lunch time while eldest DC is at nursery and youngest is asleep but I’ve worked overtime this week and not had chance not to mention the fact I’d rather have a shower at the start or end of the day. He says it’s my poor time management that’s caused this argument and me and my attitude can sleep on the sofa tonight. I’m just so heartbroken that my life has come to this. My dad and no other man in my life would ever dream of speaking to me like this yet this is who I’ve ended up with.

It’s not about the showering it’s about the disgusting language he’s used with you.

Why must you? Is DS a baby? If not your DP can surely put him to bed and read a story while you shower? My ex-DH was a bit like this, what he wanted to do was important and what I wanted to do was not - hence ex. My late DH was of the mind that if he did not want to do something why should he expect me to - and didn't.

Hello,
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence Domestic
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It doesn't matter if the house is in his name.
You're married it's half yours.

Benefits exist for situations like yours OP. You’d be entitled to more than you think. You’d also likely be entitled to half the house. You’re not trapped.

You really should have stopped after 'but'. It says a lot when a poster writes the way you have to somebody in distress. Ugh.

It takes longer than 5 minutes to shower and wash hair for most women but actually, that's a long way down the issues.

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OP, what would your dad say about your husband's treatment of you? I imagine he'd be incandescent. Mine wouldn't but I had a crap father. Can you speak to your family and get some practical help to leave?

This, OP.

It doesn't matter that the house is in his name, you will get half or more depending on how care is split. His abusive behaviour might also mean you get more.

You just have to find somewhere to stay till the house can be sold. Please take the kids to your Dad's, it won't be forever.

Exactly.

Again, you should be very fucking grateful that you are so ignorant of the many possible reasons.

What is your point? Or are you just trolling?

OP - you’re quite right in feeling that the way he speaks to you isn’t normal. Even if you wanted to go and lounge in the bath for 3 hours the way he speaks to you isn’t normal or ok.

How does he cope if you go out for the night? Or let me guess - that never happens because he’s kick off?

Leave - he won’t change.

NeedToChangeName · Today 11:04
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@Hopingforbetterluck many of the responses on this thread are clearly from people with little experience of domestic abuse
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But please know that this is not a healthy relationship. Womens Aid could offer practical and emotional support”

No, quite the contrary. Abused by father and brother. Which is why, once an adult, I tolerated shit from no man.

Firstly you are married. The house regardless of whose name it is in is a martial asset and thus at least 50% yours.

There is no way back for you - see a solicitor and tell him you totally understand you don’t measure up and you want a divorce and a 50/50 childcare split and do it.

Thanks for asking @Grammarnut . It is a little off topic but my DS has special needs so although he is not a small child he has the mind of one iyswim...so I have to watch him every moment just as if he were a small child.

My DH is actually really good & hands on (I know quite a lot of men unfortunately aren't) but we have to give each other breaks. Eg I am more of a morning person than DH so he gets up in the morning with DS usually & I care for him in the evenings.

Not to compare my situation with the OPs or anyone else's....this is just to make the point that when you have sole charge of a dependent DC you can probably forget about having even a moment of time to yourself.

Then you ensure you were never in a position to have to tolerate it, a decision based on your prior experience. Not everyone has the experience to know before they are in the position the OP is in now. Vulnerable physically, financially and due to having children.

It makes me angry when people show such a lack of empathy and understanding for others who are in a difficult and possibly dangerous position.

You could be helping others rather than saying unhelpful things just to make them feel badly.

Totally agree, AliceOlive and it's just so dismissive and unnecessary to respond without any understanding of how it is for other people. No two situations are ever identical.

Two issues. One that you are clearly being abused and secondly someone that is so run ragged that they have no time for personal care is completely unacceptable position to be put in for most people.

Consider your options op, get some counselling and support 💐

If mine said these words to me he would be out the door.

One of the reasons I think a man would act like this is because he simply feels he can. That’s why it starts after a woman is pregnant. They intuitively understand the vulnerability. A good man wants to protect a vulnerable woman. The other kind feels the power imbalance and is emboldened to abusive behavior.

Until you figure out what you want to do, I’d treat it like a job. Don’t show him any vulnerability. Find other ways to get your needs met because he is unwilling and unable to be a partner.

Ultimately, I hope you find a way to leave. It’s no life and it will impact your children.

AliceOlive

“It makes me angry when people show such a lack of empathy and understanding for others who are in a difficult and possibly dangerous position.”

It makes me angry when people continue to bring children into abusive relationships. Contraception is free.

My young life was hell because my mother, knowing my father was abusive, went on to have me when she and my older brother were already in constant danger.

It is entirely avoidable.

@MonsterMunched I have really long thick hair. A body wash takes a couple of minutes but to wash my hair and then dry it takes much longer than 5 minutes. The problem here isn't ops time management or lack of showering fast enough. It's her dickhead dh putting all responsibility on op so she doesn't have a chance. Meanwhile he can sit back and twiddle his thumbs because this all serves his needs and noone else's. Making out that its about the time taken to shower is exactly what he's doing to gaslight her into avoiding the fact he's abusing her. Worrying that you felt the need to join in with him.

Op please get support from women's aid and leave him. This isn't any way to live and he doesn't deserve you and all that you do. He's abusive and the responsibility for that rests on his shoulders and noone else's. Can you stay with family for a bit or get the locks changed while he's at work or out for a bit? Get someone to be there when he returns so you don't feel the need to deal with him? Do you have access to your own money that he can't access and is the house in your name? I would find a good solicitor who specialises in family law and is familiar with domestic abuse and have a good chat with them about your options.

No one purposely puts themselves in this situation. You have a right to be angry. No right to take it out on others, though and we cannot help anyone using anger to do so.

@MrsSkylerWhite you do realise how little say victims of domestic abuse have don't you? It's incredibly common for abusers to firstly insist on sex (rape through coercion) and then refuse to wear a condom because children make it even harder to leave. And when women are most likely to be murdered when they start making plans to leave its understandable why many don't feel able to do that safely. Not exactly what I'd call 'entirely avoidable'.

So you’d rather that you were never born and never existed?

Sorry, how am I taking anything out on others?

I have the right to be angry. Oh, thank you so much! Do you realise how patronising you are? I’m not angry, generally as it happens. My life is lovely. Just with people who continue to knowingly make poor choices like bringing further children into an already bad situation.

If OP has the freedom to post on social media (which my mother would not have been allowed were it available back then), she has the freedom to access contraception. To bring a second child into an already dangerous situation is absolutely purposefully making life more difficult for herself.

My opinion is different to yours but equally valid.
Have you been subjected to domestic violence?

I have very long hair. I can shower in five minutes but it takes half an hour if I'm washing my hair as well. It takes well over five minutes just for the conditioner.