To want a shower one night a week. DH says I’m a c**t

[Hopingforbetterluck]

I’ve just had enough. WW3 started because we came back from holiday on Sunday, I’ve not had a chance to wash my hair since then, busy unpacking, washing, WFH, life with 2 small DC. Last night I wanted to have a shower and wash my hair and for DH to put tea in while I did that once the kids were in bed. Apparently I’m a twt, a c*t, a bitch. A real woman would have dinner on the table every night. He smashed around the kitchen making a sht tea as he put it.

He says I should be having a shower at lunch time while eldest DC is at nursery and youngest is asleep but I’ve worked overtime this week and not had chance not to mention the fact I’d rather have a shower at the start or end of the day. He says it’s my poor time management that’s caused this argument and me and my attitude can sleep on the sofa tonight. I’m just so heartbroken that my life has come to this. My dad and no other man in my life would ever dream of speaking to me like this yet this is who I’ve ended up with.

You do have a choice. And at the moment you are choosing to allow your children to grow up in an abusive home.

I know it is difficult, and scary, and unknown but this is clear cut. You cannot allow your children to continue to be damaged by what they will be witnessing and overhearing.

Please, please call Womens Aid today. You deserve to be happy.

GameOfJones · Today 14:24
You do have a choice. And at the moment you are choosing to allow your children to grow up in an abusive home.
**
I know it is difficult, and scary, and unknown but this is clear cut. You cannot allow your children to continue to be damaged by what they will be witnessing and overhearing.
**
Please, please call Womens Aid today. You deserve to be happy.”

Second this ^

Don't put up with that treatment. That's seriously horrendous behaviour, i hope you know that.

Hi lovely. Sorry you’re going through this. Just to reassure you, if you’re married it doesn’t matter at all the house is solely in his name, it’s legally considered a joint asset and you have right to a minimum of 50% of its value (family lawyer here 👋) So please don’t let this fear stop you making decisions. As long as you’re married you’re entitled to quote a lot… x

It's not about the shower, it's about him being slightly inconvenienced by you having a shower rather than fixing his dinner. Because he's far too important to make it.

By treating you like this he is conditioning you to put whatever needs or wants you have last and only if he is truly satisfied.

So he's the boss of you. He's also a baby throwing a tantrum. It's very unattractive even without the abuse.

I'd get rid of him. No one would speak to me like this.

@Hopingforbetterluck

"Unfortunately it’s very real. It didn’t start out
quite so bad but has got steadily worse since my first pregnancy."

This is a common theme with abusers OP.
Once they have you trapped, they crank it up. Pregnancy comes up time and again on these threads.

no husband should be swearing like this to their wife, and he expects his tea on the table?!- it’s not the 1950’s, sexist pig! To be annoyed that you want a shower?! I’m sorry but your husband sounds very controlling and bad tempered. You need to stand up for yourself, let him cook his own bloody tea, you’re not his mother, he can spare 30 mins! You need to either sit down and have a serious conversation about his behaviour, maybe go to counselling or to be quite honest leave- I would never put up with that behaviour from my husband

It doesn't matter. You have DCs and you are in an abusive relationship. It is likely you will get the house for the duration of your DC's dependency i.e. till the youngest is 18 - though personally I'd want to leave and have my share of the house plus the maintenance he will be forced to pay, and get somewhere of my own. He is a nasty, nasty person and you deserve better. Talk to Women's Aid, or to a local organisation that helps abused women and make preparations to leave him before his abuse inevitably gets worse. What a twat he is, too. There are much, much nicer men.

OP you have my greatest sympathy. Please take everyone's advice and leave this man. Your father would be more heartbroken by an abused daughter than by a divorce, honestly.

He is terrible and abusive. You know that.
But also you don't seem to accept responsibility of your own life and would rather engage in this tug of war.
Because if a person wants to do something that minor (wash hair). They will do it.

This ^

Don't ever think you can't leave. Get in touch with Women's Aid, they'll help you get out and housed with the Council or Housing Association, claim Universal Credit etc.

Don't allow your children to be brought up in an abusive household or you'll be setting them up for a lifetime of mental health problems and be drawn towards having abusive men as their husbands (assuming kids are DD's!).

Any man who called me one of those names would be in so much f*cking trouble with me.

This language is just horrible. I would feel so degraded if I was spoken to like that, and I would lose it.

I’m sorry, but you need to leave him. You will get half of everything, maintenance and UC, and it’s better to be skint, than abused.

Any man who called me one of those names would be in so much fucking trouble with me.
Sure, unless you were in the same state as the OP. Is it so difficult to understand state of mind and how you might handle this if you were in that mindset and not your own?

This language is just horrible. I would feel so degraded if I was spoken to like that,
Totally agree with you.

and I would lose it.
Not if you were in the OP's circumstances you wouldn't.

Edited because my bolding went very wrong.

I'm sorry @Hopingforbetterluck - it all sounds terribly stressful and difficult for you.

It's horrible being shouted at, and belittled and for someone to constantly make out that you're in the wrong and useless.

And then when you post about it on mumsnet, you get ridiculous comments about showering and far too many people berating you and shouting at you themselves and blaming you for his awful behaviour because you haven't left immediately.

There is little thought from some posters about how hard and scary it and how beaten down and demoralised you must be having to deal with this. This is exactly why so many women don't speak up about the terrible abuse they suffer through.

Again, I'm so sorry for your situation. It's so obvious that you don't want it to continue and that you want to keep your children safe because they are your priority but don't know what to do next.

When you have some time and are safe please try and get in touch with some organisations that could help.

Women's Aid have a chat or email function or you can call the Domestic Violence hotline on 08 08 16 89 111

It will be hard but you do have options; you can get to a safe place where you won't be called names and belittled. Please do try and call someone when you can.

Best of luck.

Its only going to get worse, and your children will either grow up thinking this is what relationships are like, or thinking you are really weak. Please call Womens Aid and start thinking about your options. I absolutely understand not having time for a proper shower, and any loving relationship should support you in doing things for yourself. Send you a hug and a hope you get away from this arsehole soon.

Oops sorry, pasted from another thread. Its only going to get worse, OP. Please save yourself.

Get the abusive bastard out to fuck!!!! I'm so angry for you!

did the op ever clarify how old the two children are?

That’s a crap comment to make, it definitely takes longer that 5 mins and when your not prioritising yourself it’s not hard to believe at all in a week

Run.

i’d be interested in how old these “small DC” are

As much as this would be great for OP, I’d be very wary about leaving the children alone with him

Is the OP the same woman with an autoimmune disease/ autism whose husband calls her "lazy" when she's tired, by any chance?

Oh I like this comment @Flickersy
why is it that some men expect their DW or DP to spin so many plates all of the time with little down time, and then crash about angry like they’re some sort of undervalued employee if they want a little help 🤔
I often remind my DP ‘I’m not your wife’ when I think he’s taking the P, but perhaps I shouldn’t say that as it’s kind of suggesting this kind of nasty behaviour would be ok if I was … 🤷‍♀️ It wouldn’t.
The swearing and disrespect here seem off the scale, your DH needs a reality check he’s lucky to have you x