To want a shower one night a week. DH says I’m a c**t

[Hopingforbetterluck]

I’ve just had enough. WW3 started because we came back from holiday on Sunday, I’ve not had a chance to wash my hair since then, busy unpacking, washing, WFH, life with 2 small DC. Last night I wanted to have a shower and wash my hair and for DH to put tea in while I did that once the kids were in bed. Apparently I’m a twt, a c*t, a bitch. A real woman would have dinner on the table every night. He smashed around the kitchen making a sht tea as he put it.

He says I should be having a shower at lunch time while eldest DC is at nursery and youngest is asleep but I’ve worked overtime this week and not had chance not to mention the fact I’d rather have a shower at the start or end of the day. He says it’s my poor time management that’s caused this argument and me and my attitude can sleep on the sofa tonight. I’m just so heartbroken that my life has come to this. My dad and no other man in my life would ever dream of speaking to me like this yet this is who I’ve ended up with.

Not the point of the post which is about the OP's abusive 'D'H. But I completely get why it is not possible to shower sooner especially if 'D'H is unhelpful and demanding. I have to wait until my DS is in bed before I shower in the evenings.

I can't see him as a keeper.

Leopards spots etc.

Sadly more upset along the way but bright sunlight at the end of the tunnel.

All the best.

"this is who I've ended up with" ... might be helpful to reframe that thought to "this is who I have chosen to be with and so I can chose to change my mind now" .

You deserve better than this. Abuse like this is not okay and you do not need to put up with it. It will not get better - don't waste any more of your precious time and life with someone who treats you this way.

Op, you can't live the rest of your life like this. Call Women's Aid for help.

Even if your dad is elderly, don't you think he'd want to help you?

People who love you would be horrified to hear you're living like this.

@Hopingforbetterluck many of the responses on this thread are clearly from people with little experience of domestic abuse

But please know that this is not a healthy relationship. Womens Aid could offer practical and emotional support

Why do women just put up with this shit from men? Honestly every other post is from women who are with an abusive prick. Why do they settle for this?

OP, it’s not you, it’s him. He’s abusing you. Please speak to women’s aid or do you have family you can talk to?. Don’t put up with this. You WILL manage without him. Stay strong and plan your escape. If you’re married, half the house is yours. If you’re not married, you will survive and thrive. Don’t let your kids grow up seeing this abuse

Hi KellyMaureen (and others who got away from abusive pieces of excrement like the OP's:
do you remember a specific moment, thought, or 'click' in your mind that was the turning point, or the moment where everything was illuminated? My blood boils for you all, but being in the privileged position of having a loving and respectful man, and being old enough now to put up with no shit from anyone (and I hope OP doesn't have to endure years of this abuse) - can you describe an inspiring thought that crystallised: my children and I are worth so much more than this existence? Because you are (as you women know). Long-term abuse must really wear someone's self-esteem down, to the point where even bright, competent women no longer see a way out. But OP's position can't continue, so it must change. What was the moment/inspiration/snapping point for you?

Ok well you know he’s a shit but you can’t or won’t leave - you’ll just have to put up with him until you’re prepared to. It’s the children I feel sorry for - imagine growing up and thinking this is the way to treat a partner. Poor kids.

Time to lawyer up and get rid

Mine (though he wasn’t terrible by other standards - but he used to subject me to weeks on end of silent treatment) was when he yelled ARE YOU STUUUUUPID at me with such a look of rage on his face over nothing at all.

And my 2 daughters were frozen in one spot on the other sofa.

It took about 5 months after that for me to have got everything in place to ask him for a divorce and another 11 months after that for him to move out but it was worth it.

Well done on making the first step to leaving. You posted knowing we would all say leave. You think you should leave. This post was your first step. Maybe you could be brave enough to contact women’s aid next?

I was once with a man who used to ‘boast’ to me that he never rapes, cheats or beats me. Apparently ‘all’ his friends cheat on their misses and treat them like shit but they still get dinner made and treated well…. He showed me what his bar was so I left.

I’m now with a wonderful man who treats me with love and respect. Op, life shouldn’t be this way.

Youdontevengohere · Yesterday 22:32
If my husband called me any of those things I’d be gone.”

No. Why should OP leave? If my husband ever called me any of those things, he’d be gone. Bags on doorstep and locks changed.

He never would, though.

Of course it isn't simple to leave, that doesn't mean you should stay with an abuser. You need to think longer term. This relationship sounds doomed. The impact on your mental and physical health of staying in this relationship long term might be devastating. Short term upheaval is worth it to eliminate long term damage to both you and your children.

Finances are also no reason to stay with an abuser. Have a good look at your finances and what support you may be entitled to as a single parent. Make a budget and see how to make it work. I can guarantee there are single parents managing on less. You can't put a price on your own wellbeing. Happy mum, happy children.

As for not wanting the children left alone with your husband, does that mean he is never ever alone with your children at the moment without you keeping an eye on him? He sounds like a shit dad as well as an abusive partner. Document everything he does as evidence. If you can prove that he is not fit to have the children without supervision then contact via a contact centre is a possibility. It's not a given that he will have them overnight. He will also have to pay you child maintenance. If he's as lazy and selfish as he sounds there's a good chance he won't even want much time with the children after you split.

Don't stay in an abusive relationship because of hypothetical consequences of splitting up. Just address the real world consequences of remaining with him - for both you and your children. This type of dynamic between parents is incredibly damaging to your children.

You should get down on your knees and thank God that you have to ask this question rather than knowing the answer.

I wouldn’t tolerate being spoken to like that. It would be the end for me.

Please don't say this. But I'd leave him and never have anything else to do with him. He sounds like a piece of shit. Let a solicitor sort out the divorce.

If my DH had said "a real woman would..." anything, my first response would have been "a real man would have his wife's back. As you're not one, get out of my face".

As you are married you have more rights. If you are on a low income you will qualify for universal credit. Your options aren't as limited or as hopeless as you are imagining them to be. You need to get some advice. Contact charities and citizens advice. Use some online calculators to see what benefits you would be entitled to as a single parent.

You really need to speak to a lawyer. Contact some family law firms locally. They may offer an initial consultation for free. Then you will understand your position with regard to the house and finances.

Once you have started to take some small actions to inform yourself of your options and figure out how you could leave you will feel more empowered and in control.

Don't resign yourself to this life. You can have a better future. Find the strength inside yourself. You have it in you to change this.

On the contrary - I suspect many of the responses are from women who have found themselves in similar situations and know that it does not get better. Getting out is hard (and can be dangerous) but it is so important to do.

That's a classic 'Apart from that, Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?' response. Sheesh.

Having been in your shoes myself, I can say with some experience, your dad would be heartbroken if he knew how you were being treated.

The advice I can offer is to speak to the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (run by Refuge) on 0808 2000 247. They helped me get my head round how unacceptable my exes behaviour was and they can signpost you to plenty of other help.
A better life is only a phone call away.

Excellent.