Who pays first date

[Honeybu]

Ok I just been for a first date coffee.

been chatting with the guy online and he asks to meet up for a coffee so I agree and went on the date. He then proceeded to make his order ( latte and sandwich) cost £8 at the counter and paid for his bill without asking what I wanted. I then ordered mine and paid (latte and sandwich) cost £8 and paid . I got sandwich as wouldn’t want to sit and watch him eat feel awkward.

I felt he should’ve paid given that he asks me out. If I ask a friend or any new male/female friend I’m getting to know I would pay as I ask them to come for drink.

offcourse once we progress I would be paying and contributing.

Please what is your opinion on first date who should pay?

This post is not about judgement on me but your opinion and experience to share. Thanks

Exactly my point, if they don’t have the money or generosity to pay for a cup of coffee on the first date, isn’t this a MASSIVE red flag about what is to come?

I have never put up with the average man that expects a woman to work, take the lion’s share of the housechores, child rearing and family admin while he feels he needs a medal for babysitting his own children or cooking twice a week. Yet, this seems pretty much to be the norm after a woman takes maternity leave: women take the main responsibility for children and house issues during maternity leave and things never balance back to 50/50 after she is back to work. I only know a single couple which has maintained a real, active 50/50 partnership after maternity leave, but don’t take my word for it, there are plenty of research and books written on the subject.

There is no such a thing like equality between the sexes, even if you are doing exactly the same job, the man will be earning more so he can afford to pay for a cup of coffee and if he won’t… would he be like the thousands of men that leave their wife to struggle financially during maternity leave?, the one that expects dinner to be ready and children ready for bed wh wen he gets home at the end of the workday, or the one that has no time for his family on weekends because his hobbies come first? the one that insists he should keep the former marital house after divorce because his wife was so busy being his PA, nanny, servant , etc that she NEVER contributed to the mortgage?

That’s my point.

@NotAgainWilson Rubbish!
My husband and I both work and share childcare/housework equally. I wouldn't accept anything less. He doesn't earn more than me.
I blame women that put up with this nonsense, but I also blame women for not contributing.

Totally agree over not every man wants that role, either and that is reasonable. My partner doesn't, either and we simply can't afford a life living together so we do it apart. But I still stand by my original point over this post over man inviting woman for a coffee date and didn't step up to pay, it sets the future over tightwadness overall if kids involved.

Good lord. Whatever are you on about; my toes curled. I outearn my husband, many women do, it’s not the 50s. And we share chores equally.

i know. Shocker. Right.

@randomfemthinker I don't understand how you can't afford to a life together but you can do apart? How does that work?

We live in different countries over UK/USA relationship and both live in house shares with others. Neither of us as well have children. Ironically, I was the one who did pay for our first date but he did travel here all this way lol. I guess as well first dates are just kind of about making an investment in another person. It's not even really about the money. Just the gesture/reaching out to someone.

Exactly.

My husband doesn't earn more than me either.

Surprised at the amount of people who think women’s rights equates to women being worse off!

men should pay because :

1. realistically, over his lifetime he’ll make more money than the vast majority of women. The least he can do is pay for a latte
2. you’ve already paid more prior to the date - presumably you put on make up, maybe had nails or something else done etc. patriarchal beauty standards which men expect but leave us out of pocket. He can just shower and rock up in any old rags
3. if the date continues into the night, he can walk/get a bus/train home. For safety reasons, you may feel more secure in a taxi.

im a feminist and I would think twice about a second date with any man who expected me to pay 50/50 on first date. If I were in a long term relationship and made more money than him then that would be different.

The way I look at it is this. Think of someone who the guy really really fancies. He goes on a date with her. Is he going to buy himself a cup of coffee and go and sit down?

@Lmox That's not feminism. Feminism is not about expecting a man to pay!!! Quite the opposite, in fact. You're encouraging misogyny with your views.

My now DH appreciated me paying for the bowling and some of the drinks when we first met in 2016. He viewed it as me seeing him as a person and not a cash line card.

I do out learn and earn more than my partner. I have supported him through thick and thin (as he had supported me in non monetary ways) but he is bringing other things to the table, he is witty, very cultured, a real involved father to his children and very very generous with his thoughts and actions. But, if he had expected me to pay for my coffee first time we met, I would have made a runner.

I cannot be generous to a tight arse, sorry. Neither can I provide or take on a man who cannot afford to spend £3.50 when going out.

@NotAgainWilson Why should he pay? You mean because he is a man?

Yeah, because given time, stereotypes will kick in and he would expect me to do as much as his mum did for him and in his house in times gone by, or at least to carry the lion share’s of the mental load when it come to chores and family issues.

I obviously wouldn’t expect a man to pay for everything, but not paying for a coffee in the first date is a big red flag for me (tight or broke) but it is ok if for you is not, we are all entitled to our own opinions.

I’m 100% with you, I wouldn’t accept anything less but is equal really equal? Is he carrying his share of the mental load as well? Or do you need to inform him the children feet have grown before he goes out to buy them shoes? Now, if he can spontaneously see what is needed and act on it, you have a proper partnership.

ps. I also blame women who put up with this nonsense, and think is idiotic for a woman to voluntary lose her financial independence to devote more time to her family. Obviously, women need to contribute financially. They should be equal players and not rely on men as they can get fired, ill, die or run with their secretary but most importantly, to keep their choices open.

At the end of the day most women who are stuck in unhappy relationships are not leaving because they are enjoying the misery, they are still there because they cannot afford to leave.

If it’s just buying a coffee I’d expect whoever orders to pay for both. I couldn’t be faffed with someone who quibbled over a few quid to be honest.

First dates for me I’d always offer to pay, but I expect them to insist on paying. I will then get the second. For me it all evens out and I pay my way but I much rather take turns and treat each other rather than splitting bills and all that.

Is this satire?

Why do you expect them to insist on paying?

Those kinds of mind-games would be a total red flag for me.

It’s not really a mind game 🤷🏻‍♀️ first date you’re sussing each other out. I’ll offer and be happy to go halves, so if that’s what they want that’s what they get. I just wouldn’t then choose to go for a second date with them. There’s no mind game. And I don’t think it’s a red flag, because if they want to split the bill and aren’t happy paying for the first date then they won’t end up in a relationship with me anyway-so there’s nothing for them to be wary of.

Different people go for different things, I’m relatively easy going when it comes to money and rather just throw my card down half the time and assume things stay relatively even. If your the sort to count each penny we each spend then we’re not going to get on long term.

@TheCadoganArms Oh I do hope so!

@NotAgainWilson I couldn't agree with you more on any of this.
Yes - my (second) husband absolutely shares it all, including the mental load. In fact, I'd say he's more in-tune with our 3 yo at times, possibly due to the fact that she's his first and last whereas I have two teenage sons so I've already been there and got the t-shirt if that makes sense?!
My first husband was the polar opposite and tbh, I have no idea why I married him. Very wealthy but turned out to be a total misogynist with very fixed views of gender roles. It was never going to work; I wasn't going to tolerate being told what to do! He would have bought me a coffee, and possibly a very posh meal somewhere snazzy when we were dating, but once married he'd have also told me to give up my career as it was insulting to his masculinity (I didn't, by the way and thank goodness) 😀

That's pretty much the definition of "mind-game".

Same here, first husband was brilliant in soooo many aspects and we had a proper partnership down to sharing the mental load, but then DS was born (after many years being married I may say) and suddenly, the stereotypes kicked in and I was expected to be the Mother and the lady of the house, the person who dealt with the mundane stuff while he spent his time traveling with work or in hobbies. Even when I got back to work, he insisted my job gave way to his. He treated my job as a hobby, that same job of mine that paid for following his dreams and a good chunk of our houses. It just seemed that, from his point of view, I should just dump the work to do and head running out of the door if he forgot he had a son to pick up from school. It was impossible to progress a career with him dumping everything on me.

The devil is in the details. That drink he was not willing to pay the first time we met was a sign of the times to come: Tight or broke, I insist. 😁

Sadly, it is the plain reality, evidenced by hundreds of sociological and historical studies carried out over the centuries.

If you don’t know where to start, the book Fair Play is an easy entry into the subject.

I find it strange that he invited you for a coffee then had a sandwich. Surely that’s having lunch?

I would think with a coffee the person first in line asks the other what they’d like and buys it. But introducing sandwiches into the equation is odd in my view.