Who pays first date

[Honeybu]

Ok I just been for a first date coffee.

been chatting with the guy online and he asks to meet up for a coffee so I agree and went on the date. He then proceeded to make his order ( latte and sandwich) cost £8 at the counter and paid for his bill without asking what I wanted. I then ordered mine and paid (latte and sandwich) cost £8 and paid . I got sandwich as wouldn’t want to sit and watch him eat feel awkward.

I felt he should’ve paid given that he asks me out. If I ask a friend or any new male/female friend I’m getting to know I would pay as I ask them to come for drink.

offcourse once we progress I would be paying and contributing.

Please what is your opinion on first date who should pay?

This post is not about judgement on me but your opinion and experience to share. Thanks

That makes sense. Thank you.

Oh Christ 🤦🏾‍♀️.

Thanks for that. I’ll have to go check out what other gems she offers 😅.

I can’t imagine there’s a woman who would begrudge a coffee, and I’ve never had flowers from a random, so I need to work on my attractiveness 🤷🏽‍♀️.

Thankfully another poster has shed some light…

Best get yourself a can of Impulse.

Which bit are you disputing?

I assume you're a guy and know what a minefield the modern world is for us?

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Yeah, the type of lazy slob who won't do fuck all in the house, or help with the childcare and gruntwork and life admin etc, are, without exception, the men who want to go 50-50 on a first date. Or just pay for what he has had. Pulling his little pocket calculator out to make sure he doesn't pay a single penny more than he has to. Tighter than a duck's arse! 😆 Tight and mean with his money, tight and mean when it comes to pulling his weight around the house/with childcare, (and usually crap/selfish in the sack!)

So yeah for sure, any man who ever wants to split the bill/just pay for his own, IS displaying telltale signs/red flags, because with these type of men, 'equality' only stretches as far as making the woman go 50-50 with costs/money/bills. Any man who ever suggested I pay for myself on a date HE has asked me on, got thrown straight back in the sea.

I knew a number of women with this type of man, and they had miserable lives with these men.

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Online date you're meeting first time definitely pay for your own. Then if getting a second cup (either of you) offer to buy.
It also depends on the set up. If table service and the check came together and it's just coffee then I'd let him pay, though I'd definitely offer to contribute. If counter service (like in Starbucks) I'd queue up too. If it was a meal I'd preempt the waitress/waiter and ask for separate checks.
You tend to go on a number of 'dates' that lead nowhere so if the guy is always expected to pay it adds up!

That’s what I thought. Then I ended up interacting with a more affluent circle and there, no man would allow a woman to pay and women would be rightly offended if the men expected them to pay for their own coffee. 🤷‍♀️

Not in my experience.

In my experience, the ones who insist on paying are more likely to hold old fashioned values including that looking after children is woman’s work because they are the ‘provider’.

My husband respected me as an equal from day one which included the fact that I have my own career and own money and don’t need to be paid for. It hasn’t changed now that we are married with children.

I met my now dp in 2016 he choose to pay lunch and things but personally I wouldn't have been bothered if he we split it I think it's fair to split things on first dates

This is what I’ve seen too with my friend’s partners. The ones that seem to be chivalrous and insist on paying also don’t pull their weight with looking after children and chores.

Not only would him not asking me what I'd like when he ordered piss me off, I'd have the ick that he didn't ask me what I would like BEFORE he ordered.

I would never stand first in a queue and not turn to the person next to me and say "what would you like?" first.

OP, I've never paid on a date. For many reasons. Never had a problem dating/getting a bf/marrying.

£8?! Jesus. He asked you out. It's just manners.

Then he can do some quality control.

If HE decides to date everyone and it costs money, then that's on HIM.

Internet dating is a numbers game and if you live in a big city it is entirely possible to have multiple dates a week if you are pro active. Not sure why it should be entirely the responsibility of the bloke to pay because.....just. Personally I treated first meets as not as a date but a pre date test the water sizing up before an actual date so only met for an afterwork drink or a lunchtime coffee. I did not waste my precious Friday or Saturday nights with some random first meet. I absolutely paid my own way on those initial meets and first dates and if someone just sat there without even offering to pay I would note that. I could not care less about the cost of the coffee, drink or meal involved, I can afford it, but that's not the point. To me its just bad manners and a bit rude not to offer and it's them telling you what they expect the relationship dynamic would be going forward. Yes, of course there are a raft of other attributes you look out for on a date and you make a plus / minus mental column in your head as to whether you want to see them again but princessy behavior is not attractive.

Frankly, I think any man with some dignity would find it a bit bossy if I offered to pay for both of us on the first date.

if they make any motion that makes me think they expect me to pay my half, I do pay my half, say thanks for the nice time and that’s the end of it.

Frankly, I do not need to be saved, money wise or otherwise, but if the average man expects a woman to do far more at home than a man in the long run, the least they can do is to pay for a fucking cup of coffee on the first date.

For a coffee date in the day I'd say 50:50 is ok. Different if he'd invited you out to dinner.

Women who out earn men and happy to provide for the family financially, too is great when it comes to women who are lucky enough to enjoy careers/intellectual advantages that lead to a career. I think it's okay for women also to prefer the more traditional role and not be the main or equal "breadwinner", too, though. When a man can't jump forward to pay for a coffee date he asked someone on, for instance, I think it reaks of a relationship down the line of "he's not going to step up much at all".

@NotAgainWilson If the "average man" expects a woman to do far more at home than them, then don't choose the "average man"? Don't set the bar that low!

@randomfemthinker What is "lucky" about a woman having a career? No; she got there through working hard. The same way as a man does but probably harder.

I was just thinking the same. I worked hard for my career.

Why is it bossy if a woman offers to pay but attractive if a man offers to pay?

Personally feel it’s safer to pay for your own if it’s the very first meeting someone. The most unlikely guys can be incels, and I just prefer not to give them any idea that I might “owe” them sexual favours in return for them paying. Not until I know what they are actually like will I let someone pay for me!

@SouthLondonMum22 I suppose the truth is some women are looking for a man to fully support them financially so they don't have to work? If he doesn't pay for her coffee then he may not pay for that option going forward? I do think some women want to be "kept."

Lots of people - men and women - work hard but it doesn't always lead to a career or job satisfaction along the way of life. You had originally asked can a woman not provide for the family too? Of course they can but not every woman wants this role/CAN do this role or prefers traditional roles or one partner doing the providing (male or female) so they can balance things better. A man who is unable to cough up a coffee on a first date they asked someone on probably isn't going to be able to contribute much to a partnership if they're wanting kids down the line.

@randomfemthinker Likewise, not every man WANTS the role of sole provider or CAN be.
My husband works ft in social care and, although he doesn't earn megabucks, I couldn't be prouder.
I don't expect him to work whilst I stay home and, even if we could afford it, I wouldn't want to. I have a career (teacher).
Not up to men to fund women.