Who pays first date

[Honeybu]

Ok I just been for a first date coffee.

been chatting with the guy online and he asks to meet up for a coffee so I agree and went on the date. He then proceeded to make his order ( latte and sandwich) cost £8 at the counter and paid for his bill without asking what I wanted. I then ordered mine and paid (latte and sandwich) cost £8 and paid . I got sandwich as wouldn’t want to sit and watch him eat feel awkward.

I felt he should’ve paid given that he asks me out. If I ask a friend or any new male/female friend I’m getting to know I would pay as I ask them to come for drink.

offcourse once we progress I would be paying and contributing.

Please what is your opinion on first date who should pay?

This post is not about judgement on me but your opinion and experience to share. Thanks

There's a lot of people saying if a friend invited them to lunch you'd never expect them to pay and that's fine. But when you apply that to a romantic situation, when you try to abolish gender roles in the early stages, what's left? You just end up as friends who f*ck imo.

In the early days (first 3 dates at least) I paid my own way. That way, if it didnt work out, I didnt feel obliged or bad in staying.

Once I knew we were going to continue dating, I would take it turn about - you pay, then I pay etc and would accept a treat now and again.

Out of all the dates I have had, the ones where the date has paid on the first date are ironically the ones I had never seen again and didnt take much interest after. I always try and pay my way too, but some guys refuse it.

No, nobody is 'forcing' a guy to pay but as this thread demonstrates it is still a moot point with women here having very different expectations. Also, it's not just a case of being a womans perogative to date men who wants to pay for dates . Unless people start stating on their dating profiles their preferences on who pays both parties are parties run the risk of being mismatched on this front. As we have seen on here the bloke runs the risk of being labelled rigjt, mean or a a skinflint by a woman because he went dutch on a dinner whereas on another date with someone else it was perfectly acceptable. Perhaps the women and men whonpreder old school traditions should make it clear up front??

A relationship built on equality. Not sexism.

Will that 'equality' include the man pulling his weight in the house though? Contributing 50% to housework, childcare, home admin, grunt work, shopping, ironing and washing, school runs, and general boring domestic shite?

LOL don't make me laugh! Of course it won't! For many men 'equality' with women, only stretches as far as making her pay half for everything.

cue the posters claiming THEIR men do 50% of everything in the house/with the childcare. #notmynigel 😆

No, but it means it's more transactional.

Make sure you choose a better man then who demonstrates he has the above qualities. The tell tell signs of whether they are a lazy slob or not are there to see early on but so many women elect to overlook these red flags or even worse expect they will suddenly 'step up' when kids come along.

In my house it does.

Things will never change if the attitude is ‘he can pay for me because I’ll end up doing all of the housework and childcare anyway’.

It's not rude at all not to offer. Some women would find it rude if a guy "expected" to pay for her and would prefer to pay for herself - how's he supposed to know which and of the spectrum you are on paying for dates....

You can't judge how he'd be with money in a LTR from paying your own bills on a first date - especially if it's a first meeting from OLD.

You said yourself it was an alright date, try a couple more and see if hes sensible or tight with money but you can't tell from this one experience.

For what it's worth, you sound a bit princessy expecting him to pay for you which I'm sure your not - perceptions can be wrong.

@SabreIsMyFave If you opt for a man that doesn't pull his weight and share things out fairly then that's on you.

I have a rule on this..

i am happy to take in turns paying but on a first date, I will happily let him pay IF I want to see him again. I think for me on a first date the payment signifies a small token of you’re worth this small amount.

if I don’t want a second date I’ll pay.

100% agree. DH and I have been together 23 years and he's always pulled his weight.

50/50, I would not be comfortable being paid for by someone else.

I would only accept this in a more established relationship but never a new one.

My DH did exactly this on our first date and I remember being slightly put off from it.

I remember thinking whoever was first in the queue should have just asked the other what they wanted. So if I had been first in the queue, I would have just asked him what he wanted and paid for both of ours (it’s just a coffee not a Michelin Star meal).

Anyway I’m so glad it didn’t put me off as he turned out to be a very kind thoughtful person and is not ‘tight’ and does more than his fair share with household chores and looking after our child.

But people who’ve been married for years really don’t seem to get it. This is entirely different -even to OLD pre Covid.
This is not the scenario of those who met 25 years ago at work or through friends. It is a scene where both parties who are complete strangers advertise themselves as looking to form a relationship.
Old complacent married couples should not be commenting.

Neither age nor marital status is a barrier to post on this thread. It's just a conversation and opinions vary.

Yes, you're right 'old complacent married couples' should not have an opinion on the OP. Thank god everyone has you here to tell us who is allowed to post on this open forum. Thank you so much.

Exactly.

Consider it another way - if he paid in advance for the whole thing, it can be seen as putting an obligation on her to stay. If he doesn't, then she can walk away at any time with no second thoughts as to fairness.

I’m curious to know what persons think they owe a man who paid for their coffee or dinner.

I've never paid for a date, but I’ve also never felt I owe anyone anything. Not even a second date.

A gentleman offered to pay for my coffee in Costa recently - I said thank you, he paid, wished me a wonderful day and went on about his business.

I don’t recognise this obligation that’s attached to a drink or a meal, beyond a thank you.

The reality is that there is no obligation - especially with something as low-value as a coffee shop sandwich and drink. However, some folk feel there is (he doesn't know her at this point), and so such the nice-guy move is to not put her in that position in the first place.

Sounds like Samantha Brick.

Does she explain the obligation?

Exactly this. Everyone on this thread going on about always going 50/50, that they believe in equality, and not allowing a man to pay means there's no obligation to see him again, blah blah. Well, if you think like that, you're not the feminist you think you are.

Not sure, although she did mention how all the other women were jealous that she was so attractive and fabulous that random men would buy her coffee, flowers and drinks like an 80s Impulse advert on steroids.

I would prefer to pay for myself, or I'd offer to pay for him. I'd hate the thought of them thinking I owe them.