Who pays first date

[Honeybu]

Ok I just been for a first date coffee.

been chatting with the guy online and he asks to meet up for a coffee so I agree and went on the date. He then proceeded to make his order ( latte and sandwich) cost £8 at the counter and paid for his bill without asking what I wanted. I then ordered mine and paid (latte and sandwich) cost £8 and paid . I got sandwich as wouldn’t want to sit and watch him eat feel awkward.

I felt he should’ve paid given that he asks me out. If I ask a friend or any new male/female friend I’m getting to know I would pay as I ask them to come for drink.

offcourse once we progress I would be paying and contributing.

Please what is your opinion on first date who should pay?

This post is not about judgement on me but your opinion and experience to share. Thanks

@Coincidentally - in a nutshell.

But again if a woman wants to find a man who pays for dating, that is her prerogative.Equally if men want to offer to foot the bill that’s on them. They’re not being forced. If anyone ever asked me to go 50/50 I would have done. I never refused to pay. I just didn’t offer. Not one man ever broached the bill with me on first/ second/ third date or even beyond when I was dating and I dated a lot ( probably 30+ dates) in the two years of OLD I did before I met dh. This is about 8 years ago admittedly but I don’t think things will have changed significantly since then. I don’t know why women on here get so angry about dating in this manner.

Who's getting angry? It's a discussion.

Why is the guy considered tight for not paying for the OP but she isnt considered tight for wanting him to pay.

Obviously everyone should just pay for themselves. Then no one is tight.

I agree with the poster who said that some women only want "equality" when it suits them. It doesn't work like that. We need to stop playing into the hands of the patriarchy and stand on our own two feet

I'm quite shocked by some of these replies. There definitely seems to be quite a large cohort of women who just expect a man to pay for them, simply because they are women. Not exactly forward thinking.

@gannett

Nope, i am a feminist, in the sense that I think women are amazing, and if we're to open our lives up to a man, he absolutely needs to prove that he is worth it. A man who wont buy a woman a coffee is not.

And yes you may say 'well why is the woman worth it if she wont buy the coffee' and it simply comes down to the fact that I think women are superior and are more often than not, better off without a man in their lives. Whereas a man usually benefits greatly from having a wife

Christ that’s the most ludicrous reaching explanation for being tight I’ve ever read 😂😂😂

@Sillyjane 😂

@Sillyjane

Happy to be ludicrous!
The standards I have in my life, mean I have got a brilliant husband and don't have to deal with loser men, like so so many women I know.

Righto

It's not about "not buying a woman a coffee". It's the expectation from some women on here that by default, a man pays.
That's not a guarantee that he will be an amazing life partner.

If a man insists on paying on the first date I would find that off putting. 50/50 would be the right answer.

However I think a conversation first as in casually say "let's got dutch today" would be in order.

If you think women are better off without a man in their life then why are you dating?

Aside from the "women are superior and men benefit more" bollocks I agree with you, obviously men need to prove they're worth it. It's just rather foolish to use "paying for my coffee" as the litmus test. When I dated I was thinking about whether he listened to me and respected my opinions; what his world view, politics and ethics were; whether he was funny, interesting, intelligent; whether he had an attractive face and body. Those were my bars, not whether he'd "provide" for me. Because I didn't need a man to do that.

This from someone who called another poster 'brainwashed'. 🤔

FFS, you weren't being 'attacked'. It's a message board where people post their opinions. Stop being so melodramatic.

I got sandwich as wouldn’t want to sit and watch him eat feel awkward

Really? Thats a bit daft of you.

This. If a friend invited me for coffee, drinks or a meal I’d never assume they were paying unless it was my birthday or something and they‘d specifically said their treat.

@gannett yes I agree, there's certainly more to it, but there also little markers to look out for. But certainly men often are generous with money and then turn out to be abusive or just generally not great. So I'm by no saying buying a coffee is the be all and end all to a good man!

As an aside, some women enjoy being pursued and find it attractive and it's ok for people to have preferences of what turns them on and what doesn't.

If your girlfriend asks you to meet in town for a coffee and girly chat, are you expecting her to pay or are you thinking your 50/50 on it? I never expect friends to pay for me, and I never expect guys to pay for me.

If it's me and its a date/new guy, I'm paying my own, I don't want to feel beholden to him in any way, I want to be able to leave at any point and not have this misogynist view of "I paid so you owe me" something whether that br £8.50 for the coffee or something more...

But pursuing and paying for are two very different things.

dont get me wrong, its clear some women wish to be paid for,its not a marker of a good man if he pays on the first date, many arseholes will do that, and many good men won’t. We all know this.

each to their own though. For me it’s not about whether a man offers to Pay, for me on a first date it’s important I pay my way. I’m not some little woman who needs paying for. I will pay my way and I will make my own decisions.

I think I the "he asked me out" is a little blurry with online dating. I only ever used Tinder where you could only chat if you had matched with each other. As it's a dating app, the matching part indicates you think the other person has potential as a date so I don't think the one who actually suggests the date first is doing the asking - they are just advancing things along in the way both people expect.

Very different to being asked out in a bar or at work or the gym. Even then I believe in 50/50

@Sillyjane yes I did say that.

But why do you think being paid for as being a 'little woman'? I could never think of myself as a little woman, regardless of money politics.

They wouldn't be able to multi date and thereby mess women around

But multi dating isn't messing women around? They are meeting a range of people to see if there's a click. Women do it too

😂 Okie dokie then ...

This is exactly my feeling. It’s not the man/woman it’s the nitty gritty splitting. I feel the same (as does everyone in our circle) about the idea of pulling out a calculator and splitting a bill according to who had what. It’s just a bit tight.

I don’t count if my friend had an extra glass of wine, or whether a cocktail cost more than someone’s pint - it’s the same principle and it all gives me the ick.

You could have bought a second coffee for you both if he’d bought the first.

He just sounds tight!