What is the obsession with 2 under 2?

[2under2blah]

I see so many threads where people are worried that they're going to have a 3/4/5 year age gap between their children.

Didn't this used to be normal?

Why is 2 under 2 seen as the only way to do it?

Looks absolutely intense to me!

I think it is primarily logistical and financial for childcare. It’s cheaper ver the long term to take a short term hit for maternity and childcare costs than to string it out.

Also people can’t afford to start having kids until their 30s so don’t have enough time to have a 5 year age gap.

It works better IMO because they are closer in age and therefore the elder child doesn’t really remember life without the younger one - ergo much less jealousy. And then they play together and share more common ground early on.

I think it's the opposite, when my children were young age gaps of less than 2'years were totally the norm, now I see threads with posters asking if they are mad to even consider such a thing as if it's unheard of

The scientific research on this, which I read some time ago, was that a bigger age gap is better for jealousy/sibling rivalry. More than 3 years was proven better.

Gosh really?? We actively avoided having 2 that close in age! Partly because my brother and I are 18months and we didn't get on but also to actively avoid them having to compete /be compared all the time.

We aimed for 2.5-3.5 and it worked really well. Proper time spent child 1, then start in pre school just before child 2, proper time with child 2. So easier on me too!!

From friends we've seen this has born out too. Kids v close in age seem less likely to get on/more likely to compete.

For us just under 3 years has been perfect as they get on really well and we've been able to encourage as individuals as well as together.

Honestly I'd think 2 under 2 is worst of all worlds!!! I'd assume peoples hormones were just raving after recovering after the first...

I suppose it depends if you are having another baby for you or the first child. There are eighteen months between my brother and I and to be honest I think my mother was mad! 😂

A smaller age gap means children spend more time around similar developmental stages which is logistically simpler.

Ah qwerty that makes sense. I was pretty sure "they" (research) thought sibling rivalry was worse if there were 2 under 2 and that would match with my circle of friends tbh!!

I always feel a larger age gap is better, sometimes I feel the older one doesn't have enough time being the baby if they are close in age. In the end, unless gaps are massive, it probably doesn't make all that much difference.

Until this thread (and my kids are quite a bit older now) I've never really thought people actively planned it this way...

Is it more to do with time out from work these days?

No idea but everyone I knew with 2 under 2 was completely frazzled, yet all used to say to us, oh you should do it, you just HAVE to.

We didn’t. 4 year gap and it’s been perfect for us. Not frazzled in the slightest. No jealousy either, completely different stages so not fighting over the same things.

It depends on a lot of factors - career, age having children, financial situation, of course personality. Financially it’s sometimes better to have them close, some people just want to get those baby years out of the way, some are unplanned, some are worried about fertility, some just want them close together.

For me personally, I’d have hated to have had 2 under 2. I’ve nannied for families with 2 under 2 and it’s just chaos and exhausting and frantic. The parents just seemed overwhelmed constantly in those early years. I wanted to fully enjoy my DS early years and have plenty of physical and emotional energy to give to him. Only now that he’s reached 2 am I even thinking I’d be able to share that out with another baby. I also want him to understand basic safety and instructions before we have a second. But people are very different and some thrive on the chaos.

Yep seems completely mad to me to actually aim for it! Frazzled parent and kids too close in age! And unable to give individual time to them on quite the same way/competing for attention/things.

I understand practical concerns re work or when contraception slips or when people think they're immune when breastfeeding (!). Just didn't realise people actively aimed for it!!

A lot of friends did this but not all of them planned the second one so quick! The general feedback was they don't remember the first year of having both!
We couldn't afford 2 in nursery at the same time and have 3.5 years between ours, they are really close and oldest one is super patient. But we had the luxury of time as I had first at 32. And no family assistance with childcare so I would have fallen apart!

Can't imagine having a newborn when the terrible twos hit!

Or potty training the first when the second is a newborn.

I think I would lose my mind

I had a 14 month gap between my first 2, and then a 19 month gap between 2 and 3, so 2 under 2 and then 3 under 3. I wouldn't change it. There are big age gaps between me and my siblings and we had nothing in common: I was determined to have my own kids close in age.
They are currently 3, 2 and 7 mo. Yes, things are chaos, but I realise it will only last a few years, and I've no regrets. The house is permanently a complete mess, but soon enough there'll all be in school and I'll fix it, and overall I think this is better. The kids are going through similar phases, interests etc, can play with each other and so on. I didn't have this with my siblings, and always felt as the eldest that my needs were put second to much younger siblings who were always younger and needed help more.

DD is nine months and she’s pretty easy. She can sit up and play a bit with toys and entertain herself, she sleeps well, has predictable nap times and yet is not walking or having tantrums. If she was my first I guess I can see how you might think … we will have another one 😂

If I got pregnant now DD would be 19 months when the baby was born - noooo thank you!

I have a lot of friendships from childhood and high school. The siblings that have always got along more and are closer are either the ones with 2-year gap or those with massive gaps (10 years or more).

There’s 5 years between my sister and I. Growing up, it was shit. I was 8, she was 3. I was 12, she was 7, I was 15, she was 10, etc. Ages where there’s never anything in common but we always had to play together. I was always very envious of my friends who just had one or two school years between siblings.

I had 2 under 2. Not planned and it was bloody hard as neither slept well. They fought like cat and dog for a while but are very close now. It was a slog until they were aged 3 and 2. It was easier at that point because dd1 was at preschool so they both got one on one time. Nursery was expensive with 2 in childcare. I waited till ds was 3 ttc my 3rd child and that age gap was much easier on my body, mind and finances.

I don't understand the obsession with having 2 when your first child doesn't sleep or you have a partner that does basically fuck all. I've read it many times on mumsnet and have seen it in real life. I feel like saying , 'give your head a wobble' and why on earth would you make your own life harder?

I think this is what happens! Little to no experience of toddlers before getting pregnant again

I had 3 under 2.6 years at one point, and then a four year gap and then 3 more with 2 year gaps.

You have 6 children so I'm alllll out of understanding

I worked out 2.5 years was the smallest gap I could get away with without having to pay two full sets of nursery fees
Child 1 had gone to 15 free hours by the time child 2 started. It worked well for us and they get on really well. Anything less than 2.5 years would have crippled us financially. Luckily we didn't struggle to get pregnant but if that was the case I would have started trying earlier and taken the risk of 2 under 2.