What is the obsession with 2 under 2?

[2under2blah]

I see so many threads where people are worried that they're going to have a 3/4/5 year age gap between their children.

Didn't this used to be normal?

Why is 2 under 2 seen as the only way to do it?

Looks absolutely intense to me!

If you're taking a career break, makes sense to have them close together.
If you're paying for childcare, makes sense to have a bigger gap.
If you're starting in your late 30s+, makes sense to have them close together.
If the first was a struggle, makes sense to have a bigger gap.
If you want ten, you'll need smaller gaps.
If you want two, you can accommodate larger gaps.
If you don't use contraception, you'll probably have smaller gaps.
If you have fertility issues, you'll probably have larger gaps.

Horses for courses isn't it. Or baby's for prams!

I know soooo many people who have actively planned their families this way.

• Some because it meant they only had to go back to work for a short amount of time between maternity leaves and then could quit once they'd completed their second set of mat leave... normally coinciding with DH getting the snip. They then felt justified to be a SAHM as nursery costs for 2 DCs would outweigh the benefit of them working.
• Some because they believe that the children will play better being this close.
• Some because they wanted to get the baby years out of the way quickly.
• And finally one friend said it was because everyone else did it that way and she didn't want to seem like a bad mum for waiting too long.

My toddler was 12 months when their sibling came along.
I used to change nappies one after the other & sync naps, so I could nap with them. It wasn’t planned that way, but it actually ended up being the best thing we ever did. They pretty much experience everything together at the same time, which is really lovely and they’re into the same toys at the same time etc.
there’s no queuing for two different aged fun fare rides etc..

obviously, there are pros and cons to every age gap but this age gap worked for us and we both agree that it has been great. I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Well I wanted approx a 2yr age gap & ended up with 21months so not too bad.

Didn't want to leave it too long due to my age so was willing to take the risk of a smallish age gap.

Also didn't want the 5yr gap that sibling & I have.

We get on ok when we see each other but neither of us make much effort to do so.

I'm sure they would say that they are organised-which can be ok to a point but I find them bossy.

So they've probably already organised to do x, y & z when I visit without asking if I'd like to & it's easiest to go along to keep the peace.

Then if we go for a meal it's let's also ask A, B & C & great idea-let's pay for everyone!

So contact is lot's of WhatsApp & I think that suits us both!

Until relatively recently, women didn't have all that much of a say in the matter. My grandma was the youngest of 12!

I had four under five and surprisingly wasn’t that tough, they were all into the same age range of stuff at the same time so all had fun. I’ve now got four teenagers in the house which is interesting but they’re all good kids I don’t feel I’ve struggled (single parent)

Agreed OP, my dd is only 6 months and I’ve already been getting ‘when are you having another one’ comments. Erm not for a few years! I take my hat off to people that do it but it looks like chaos to me.

I have huge age gaps with some of mine (16 years) however after one pregnancy I had a failure in contraception and I had 2 under 2.
I absolutely loved it and still do. I adore their relationship. One (both lads) has learning disabilities and asd and the other one is very sensitive and quite shy. So they truly build one another up. For instance my wee shy boy has been having bad dreams about monsters so his younger bro who barely sleeps a wink anyway sits on his bed now until he falls asleep so if any monsters come he can do judo (no, he's never done judo and no idea where that's come from) on the ghouls.
My older boy does his brothers reading with him, he'll get books out the library for him that are appropriate for his ability and spend ages reading with him. Maybe if they were both typical it would be a different dynamic and I'd have a lot more sibling rivalry, but I don't. My oldest is 16 and dotes on his baby sister, absolutely adores her.
He loves getting her out in the pram etc, so i love the bigger age gaps as well.

I think it must depend on the kids personality if they get on. I met a man at the bus stop and got chatting and he asked me how many kids etc I have, told him about my close in age sons and he told me he and his brother were similar aged and hated one another, made their poor mums life hell and then early 20s hit and they're so inseparable they live on the same street to this day, which I thought was lovely.

I was also extremely lucky to have the 2 so close in age during lockdown or I'd have gone insane with trying to find activities constantly. Instead of being endlessly bored like the older one they just spent their time fucking up my flower beds and drawing peppa pig on my freshly painted walls to help me redecorate, having a jolly good time.

This. I’ve got a 4 month old and we’ll be trying for baby 2 next year when I’m 32 and probably have baby when I’m 33.

If I’d started in my 20s having babies then I probably wouldn’t mind so much.

I also just want to get my maternity leaves done so I can then go back and focus on my career etc.

I had 3 under 2. Our kids were conceived through ivf and we went to start second cycle when Dd was about 9 months old.
The main thing we had in our favour was my relative youth; also we knew we might need a couple of goes and we wanted our kids fairly close together (DH and I are both very close to siblings with a 2 year gap). Second cycle was twins, who arrived when DD was 19 months.
Like anything, it has pluses and minuses - it was HARD at first! But it's great they are so close in age in many ways now. Though we are just beginning to face the financial hit of 3 at university, which we didn't think of all those years ago!

It's definitely horses for courses! I would never judge anyone else's age gap. However....round where I live, if you have 2 under 2 you are seen as a "better" Mum, whereas I think those of us with onlies or larger age gaps (for a whole host of reasons) are perceived as slackers/selfish/not competent enough to manage a short age gap. I'm talking about a mainly white, English, middle class, church-going mid-30s demographic in London.
Two under two is like the equivalent of getting a first class degree in law, whereas a five year age gap or an only would be like scraping a 2:2 in media studies. There's a hierarchy. I only have one child who is pushing 3 years old and I definitely feel like I'm lower status. Some people have quite a fixed way about the "right" way to have a nuclear family I guess.
I just think the most important thing is that women are empowered to make the best decision about their fertility for their own personal circumstances, whether that's pregnancies with a small gap, bigger gaps or even sticking at one.

2 under 2 looks like one hard slog to me but friends seem to have done it to get the baby years done and so their children are developmentally similar.

There'll be a 2.5 year gap between mine which we only did because I'm 36 and we'd possibly like a third. Had I been younger I'd have waiting until they were at least 3 before trying (same gap as me and my sister). I loved newborn - 10 months but it gets hard after that!

Once my little one could talk quite well, play alone for a little while and was use to being around his baby cousins I knew we we'd manage a second but only a few months before that I couldn't think of anything worse. I'm just hoping we can potty train before no.2 arrives!

Oh I see, the post, not having the kids close together. Sorry, misunderstood.

Yes, having two kids isn't easy whatever the gap.

I have a 12 year gap then a 4 year gap. 4 years was too small 🤣. 12 is brilliant. Yes they are at different stages but that is less of a problem to me than having say 3 pre schoolers 😱

I have 3 and there's 4 years between my eldest and youngest. Small age gaps workwd great for us. Yes it was hard work when they were little. But you are in the baby/toddler stage once until you're done rather than moving on and having to go back in again. Mine have always been really close and don't remember life without their siblings. Days out and activities were loads easier because they were broadly interested in the same stuff. My friend had 5 years between hers and found it impossible to do family days out that would simultaneously entertain a 5, 10 and 15 year old. Now mine are all teens and we can do fun grown up stuff without having a younger sibling slowing us down or having to be babysat so we can do stuff.

Sounds alot of work. My mam had 21 mths between me and sister. Nearly 4y between my two so had one in school. So bit of a break. But some prefer small gaps.

This made me smile. My eldest teen, who was only 20 months when her little brother was born, has said during quite a few dramatic outbursts that I ruined her life when I had her brother and she remembers being so, so happy when she was an only! 😂

I had a small gap because when I returned to work 12 months after having my first I realised that life was much nicer on mat leave so started TTC within the first week of returning. Luckily it didn’t take much effort and 9 months later I was back on leave.

We had 3 in 3.5 years purposefully. Mainly due to my siblings being close in age to me and how great that was/is. I want them to be able to go through life together at similar stages, to be at school together etc, to not be too far apart developmentally that they dont play together well. So far so good.

In retrospect now they are a bit older (3,4,6) the thing I enjoyed most about having small age gaps was the amount of time I spent on maternity leave meant I got extra time with my elder children too when they were toddlers/pre school age which was priceless.

Those with the small gaps - are you worried about supporting them through university at the same time?

we couldn’t afford two in nursery together and in retrospect now glad as we will now only have a max of one in uni at any one time.

I wanted a four year gap, and ended up with a four year old and twins.

In my circle two under two is unusual because most women work and childcare costs are exorbitant - so people are more likely to aim for a 3 year gap, when the 15/30 hours kick in. Perhaps that will shift a bit with the new provision.

Oh god, no thanks! I'd never have slept!

Surely better financially not to have 2 in childcare at same time though.
Also 2nd point false, had my first at 35 and second at 40 so 5 year age gap. This was not voluntary though just took a long time to conceive both. Has worked for us though as meant I've been able to spend good quality time with both.

Being on maternity leave during the nursery years saves money.

Given that having children in general is so expensive now, I presume those having multiple close together are in the wealthier bracket and therefore not worried about uni costs.

There is only 1 year and 3 weeks between me and my sister and the small age gap is brilliant!

I wanted to have two with a small age gap but it didn’t work out as I’d hoped and sadly there’s actually a 3.5 year age gap.

I’m very lucky that they adore each other now but I’m very aware that as they both get older the age gap will seem to widen and widen to the point they’re at separate times of their lives and I imagine some distance between them will start to emerge.

I know that every sibling set is better but generally speaking, I do think small age gap are better for the children.