Am I justified to be feeling really pissed off here?

[Runninggirls26]

DD is picked up from school 3 days a week by my FiL and 2 days a week by my DM. Last week my DM said she couldn’t pick up DD as she had a dental appointment. I asked DH if his dad could do it. He said it would be fine. I checked again and he said again his dad would be able to get DD.
No one picked my DD up today and after about 45 mins DH (who wfh) realised and went to get her. He’d forgotten to ask his dad. I’m upset that this happened even though she was fine and kept safe in the classroom. I’m now even more pissed off with DH because he said to me when I returned home from work “going forward can you ask my dad so to cut me out as the middle man or double check that I haven’t forgotten to ask him?” I feel he’s absolving himself of any responsibility and is suggesting it’s my fault. I’m also pissed off because he leaves everything for me to organise- all the kids’ appointments, clubs etc. and I do our son’s nursery drop off and pick up. This has just really fucked me off and I feel so fed up. But does he have a point?

Because THEY ARE WORKING you fucking moron!! 🤦‍♀️

Thanks for all your replies. I’m feeling so crap about DD being left at school (as is DH) so part of me wondered if we were both trying to shift blame. But fact is he said he’d sort it and he didn’t despite being reminded. And I’m resenting having to manage him on top of everything else. The what’s app group is the best idea “going forward” as I simply can’t trust him not to forget if arrangements have to be changed in the future.
Also just to say- both grandparents are fab, lovely people and spend a lot of time with all their grandchildren. It is too far and the roads aren’t safe for DD to walk home but she shouldn’t be responsible for getting herself home anyway, her parents should be.

It’s never long before the ‘write him a list to fix the problem’ solution comes up. Except it’s not a solution, the op is still doing all the leg work and mental load for him and nothing has actually changed. Unless of course you’re suggesting her husband is the one to completely take charge of this ‘rota’…

Yes. I mean it's all very well trying to get him to do it but 'going forward' do you think a man like this will step up? Honestly? In my ideal world, women wouldn't give men like this the time of day but I realise it's not that simple. Men like this do not change. So as I said she either sucks it up and carries on or lays down some boundaries. Or leaves 🤷‍♀️. Do you think if she leaves it to him to come up with some ideas, he will get on it ASAP? Nope, he won't.
Oh and by the way I never said 'write him a list to fix the problem' did I? Why lie to try make a point? You quoted what I actually said 🙄

@NotTooOldPaul

You're getting a hard time...and rightly so! But contextually, 73 years ago we can assume that your walk home was (relatively speaking) much safer than it would be for today's primary (4-11) aged children.

I will contextualise it first you.

My school (I'm a Deputy Head) is in a rural part of Lincolnshire. We take children from a distance of around 5 miles...and this is 'as the crow flies' so is longer by road/footpath/pavement. This would take a small child around 2 hours to walk! Can you now picture a 4 year old, in December, being sent out at 6.30am (we start at 8.30) alone, in the pitch black Lincolnshire rural lanes, trying to find their way to school? That would be a horrible, lonely, scary journey for a very small child 😢

• for you

I said rota in direct reference to your post at the end, but ‘write a list’ is under the same umbrella of ‘cut out the man’s need to think for himself’.

I certainly agree boundaries should be put in place, and that should have been with a resounding ‘no’ from the op when her husband made such a ridiculous remark about him being ‘the middle man’. I would have followed it up by saying he’d failed at being a parent today, failed at being an equal partner and next time he didn’t step up with or without the unnecessary reminders, he will be having to remember to schedule a meeting with a divorce lawyer.

Though in all honesty, between being furious at how irresponsible he’s been, how he probably has left a lasting impression on their daughter about being ‘forgotten’ that could well have lasting effects, and the embarrassment I would feel facing the school from now on, I’d be already looking at my options. But that’s just me.

This

Perhaps you should cut out the middle middle man and ask the grandparents to liaise between themselves?!

Agree @SpeedyDrama and tbf you were not far wrong with what i wrote. Unfortunately, the poor OP is going to have to be the driver of any change. He won't be.

Of course you're entitled to be pissed off! He said he'd do it and didn't. And instead of saying to you and dd I am sorry, I fucked up" he said."you do it next time." How is that NOT him fucking up?

Some people having some really odd takes on this, given the GPs are perfectly happy to do it.

I think OP's point is far more
"Why should I have to pick up even more of the mental load when DH already does hardly anything?"

YANBU OP.

I'd be saying something like "No, DH, you're an adult, I expect you to also contribute towards looking after the children and arranging their lives. I also expect to be able to trust you to do the things you say you will do. And I don't think that's an unreasonable ask - set a reminder on your phone if you need one!"

Giving him the benefit of the doubt he was probably feeling upset he failed and got defensive.

however if you genuinely do everything you need to ‘manage’ him as a new employee… (think work experience student) give him end to end responsibility for a m task for him to take full ownership of and let him feel pride and doing a job well done. Start small with something like a hobby and maybe narrow it down to 2 or 3 that’s you’ve secretly pre-approved. He can the research and decide. He has to sign child up. He has to sort out payment and kit And take child every week.

once he has shown himself capable he gets ‘promoted’ to doing more things doctors appointments / dentist. Things that actually matter. Might sound patronising but honestly if you always do these things then you’re setting the expectations that you’re the organiser and he’s the middle man.

When on maternity leave the mum naturally does everything. And it’s on us to get the child into nursery and from there forward that sets the imbalance unless you take preventative action.

This, with bells on.

What a nasty liar he is. And then he made it your problem.

I don’t understand how in 45 minutes of DD sitting around in a classroom no one was called. Normally 10 or 15 minutes late and you’d get a call.

He totally sees making arrangements for childcare pick up as your responsibility and can therefore absolve himself of it.
Leaving you with the mental load.

To the pp suggesting that you should organise things because he is "out of the loop" - why the fuck does he get to opt out of parenting? She already carries and organises most of it. He arranges the stuff with his dad. He said he would do it and then he didn't do it and rather than stepping up to do better, he's trying to pass the buck.

To the pp suggesting that the OP needs to collect her kids - I assume you are taking the piss. The child has 2 parents responsible for ensuring the child is cared for. The OP's husband messed up by not making these arrangements. Once. Not the OP. Unless you seriously think parents shouldn't work. In which case how the fuck do you think society will continue to function?

To the pp suggesting 5 year olds should walk home alone because they did 73 years ago. That's nice for you. And utterly irrelevant to life in 2024. Maybe write it down in a book of how different life was then.

OP, I hope this can be the start of a rebalancing conversation for you both. Your Dc was safe, no harm done. Your DH needs to understand he is also a parent and holds equal responsibility.

She did fix it. She asked her husband to arrange it with his father… and he said he had.

She even checked with him… and again he said it was sorted.

There’s only one person at fault here and it’s not the OP.

Oh yes… and ALL of this.

You have a dh problem. You reminded him twice. He is an adult. This is totally on him.

This kind of shit used to send me demented. I would arrange something & tell DH about it and he would ask me to remind him. We now have a phrase in this house “I AM NOT YOUR THINKER” which I think comes from The Simpsons but certainly covers this type of scenario. Of course your DH is to blame here.

You need to sit down with your DH and split these childcare tasks between you. Firstly, he could take on organising the school pick-up for your DD. It doesn't sound like this will be very onerous as the grandparents have it in hand but any changes, by either, he is responsible for communicating. Then perhaps you could each organise different activities or different days, with a central calendar you both check. You will have to trust that he does what he's responsible for, to shed some of the mental load.

Don't feel guilted about not picking your kids up, my mum has been my sole childcare for the last 4 years since my kids dad declared he wasn't 'childcare' for his own children.

So your DH said

“going forward can you ask my dad so to cut me out as the middle man or double check that I haven’t forgotten to ask him?”

but from what you’ve said, you did double check!

maybe if he can’t be trusted to ask his DF you do as your DH says and cut out the middle man… by getting your DH do pick up!

@EG94 "That said, maybe going against the grain, it was your mum who fucked you up "

Well, if having a dental appointment can be described as "fucking up" then yes.....