Am I justified to be feeling really pissed off here?

[Runninggirls26]

DD is picked up from school 3 days a week by my FiL and 2 days a week by my DM. Last week my DM said she couldn’t pick up DD as she had a dental appointment. I asked DH if his dad could do it. He said it would be fine. I checked again and he said again his dad would be able to get DD.
No one picked my DD up today and after about 45 mins DH (who wfh) realised and went to get her. He’d forgotten to ask his dad. I’m upset that this happened even though she was fine and kept safe in the classroom. I’m now even more pissed off with DH because he said to me when I returned home from work “going forward can you ask my dad so to cut me out as the middle man or double check that I haven’t forgotten to ask him?” I feel he’s absolving himself of any responsibility and is suggesting it’s my fault. I’m also pissed off because he leaves everything for me to organise- all the kids’ appointments, clubs etc. and I do our son’s nursery drop off and pick up. This has just really fucked me off and I feel so fed up. But does he have a point?

Why don’t you have a job?

He’s totally at fault here but maybe one of you try to pick her up every now and then- I honestly think it makes a difference to kids when they see a parent waiting for them at the end of the school day.

Op they aren't allowed to, primary schools won't let children go without a parent/responsible adult. In year 4, my kids where allowed to walk home from school. So 8-9 year olds but not any younger.

@Runninggirls26 Thanks for all your replies. I’m feeling so crap about DD being left at school (as is DH) so part of me wondered if we were both trying to shift blame.

There is only one person trying to shift blame!

I wonder why he can't just own up and apologise ...... ?

@Goofusdo

Her FIL doesn't have, he was going to be asked if he could. Why pay for childcare when you have a Grandparent that wants to pick his Grandaughter up from school. He can simply say 'Sorry, not today' if he can't or doesn't want to.

She was sorting an alternative to her Mum, asking Grandad!!

Agreed. I'm sorry not everyone has family who CHOOSE to help with pick ups or even childcare, but no reason to be so bitter.

Helpful

Most schools don't allow it. My dd is 13 and you still have to sign them out from class at pick up. They are only allowed to leave with a designated person.

Well yours is really silly! How are there 'faults on both sides'? The OP's husband dropped the ball. That is a matter of fact, not of opinion.

“going forward can you ask my dad so to cut me out as the middle man or double check that I haven’t forgotten to ask him?”

Fuck this. He’s an adult, he’s moving a bit of his mental load on to you OP. Why should you have to check an adult hasn’t forgotten to sort out childcare for his child?

Children walk home alone from school in my local village. It’s about 0.5 mile from the school to the furthest houses.
I don’t know exactly how old they are but some look well under 10, maybe 6/7.

There’s a lollipop man for the one main road.
So it is still normal practice in my part of the Uk.

@KomodoOhno

fuck that for a joke. What country do you live in??

I live in the US, in Arizona. We have a little QR card that has to be scanned. It's a catholic school not sure if that's why. When I grew up at 5 you could walk yourself right out the door lol no issues no question! If kids stay for the after school program same thing.

This is from our hand book. Next year she's going to public high school I'm not sure what it's called in the UK so she will definitely be getting more school freedom!

It’s not unreasonable to expect your DH to take more responsibility for planning the kids’ schedules. I think it’s easier to have designated areas of responsibility so given you’re ensuring DS is picked up then DH could be responsible for your DD. That would mean your mum communicating directly with him as well.

My SIL insists all communication with our side of the family must go through her DH (my brother). But she controls the calendar for the entire family. So I have to contact my brother who says I don’t know I’ll have to talk to DW and it takes 2 days to get a response instead of 2 minutes. Drives me mad.

I’m not sure why people are blaming your mum(!) or letting your DH off the hook, he said he’d sorted it, he hadn’t.. if my DH lied about sorting something out (twice) then still forgot all about it and it meant he left our dd at school wondering why no one has come for her I’d be furious at his incompetence.

either set up a WhatsApp group or you still deal with your side and he still deals with his side, don’t use this as a reason to let him off the hook with organising things, perhaps just double check with FIL the night before as a safety measure.

bloody ‘middle man’, what an absolute tool.

"I am so sorry, how do we make sure this doesnt happen again?!"

"WE dont. YOU make sure that this doesnt happen again by doing what you said you would do. THIS IS ON YOU"

And walk away. Seriously.

@Runninggirls26 I'm enraged for you. Your DH thinks your some sort of PA doesn't he? He's equal parent, not a middle man. There is no blame on yourself from what I can see, your DH confirmed twice. He should be feeling all of the guilt.

My DH gets all of the notifications from DC's school that I do and somehow relies on me to send reminders via a calendar invite so it goes in his calendar and he gets email reminders from it. The only reason I accepted this was that it was my DC who bore the brunt of it. My work hours meant I relied on DH to remember these things. I've absolutely cut back on all the other things he thought I'd do for him though. If you do life admin for your DH, could you cut back on the bits that aren't related to your DC?

He just sounds like a typical man who isn’t interested in sharing the mental
load of a family and thinks it’s your job. As a feminist I encourage you to raise hell and rip him a new one. As a realist don’t expect him to change.
Here’s a story meant in sympathy: I recently asked my DH to take our DD to
her dentist appointment (which I of course arranged) because he was off for the day and I been asked to attend an important client meeting. He responded ‘I don’t know how to do that’
Of course we had words.

Wow! Your DH has made it VERY clear that your DD is not HIS responsibility, hasn’t he? This is all YOUR job. I think he needs a very good kick in the pants.

Some of these replies are making me wonder if we’re in the bloody twilight zone.

The OP and her DH have a childcare solution in place, that solution gave them plenty of notice that one day wouldn’t work for them so the DH took the responsibility of arranging cover for their child. He fucked it up and didn’t and yet somehow the OP needs to do a better job of managing him?! He’s a grown fucking adult. So he shouldn’t have or take responsibility because the woman in the house will do that (alongside her job?!)

Jesus Christ

If he says he is taking care of a task, you should be able to trust he is completing the task.

it is not fair to expect you to be in charge of all the child admin.

As a one off him forgetting is not the end of the world. I once went to the wrong after school club and was then very late in collecting my child from the correct place. Mistakes happen.He was safe. It's not the end of the world.

What would really piss me off however is him then saying because he can't be bothered tin remember this stuff, YOU either next do it or it's YOUR responsibility to remind him! Why is it all on you? If he can't remember then he needs to set up a system to remind himself. It's not on you to remember his tasks as well as your own!

Yes, he lied twice, very politely 🙄

@Runninggirls26 Write a list of every house and child related job that needs doing. Include "RSVP to party invites", "book dentist", "plan Christmas" etc. Sit him down with the list and divide it fairly (50% each if you both work full time).
Tell him he is completely responsible for planning and executing his half.

There is a book / website called Fair Play that might help