Am I justified to be feeling really pissed off here?

[Runninggirls26]

DD is picked up from school 3 days a week by my FiL and 2 days a week by my DM. Last week my DM said she couldn’t pick up DD as she had a dental appointment. I asked DH if his dad could do it. He said it would be fine. I checked again and he said again his dad would be able to get DD.
No one picked my DD up today and after about 45 mins DH (who wfh) realised and went to get her. He’d forgotten to ask his dad. I’m upset that this happened even though she was fine and kept safe in the classroom. I’m now even more pissed off with DH because he said to me when I returned home from work “going forward can you ask my dad so to cut me out as the middle man or double check that I haven’t forgotten to ask him?” I feel he’s absolving himself of any responsibility and is suggesting it’s my fault. I’m also pissed off because he leaves everything for me to organise- all the kids’ appointments, clubs etc. and I do our son’s nursery drop off and pick up. This has just really fucked me off and I feel so fed up. But does he have a point?

This! I have to go out to work so we arrange pickups around this. So those days dh wfh and takes and collects dc. We have no one to help and wraparound didn't work due to SEN issues when a bit older. Xx

But not everyone’s work situation is the same as yours. We would do all pick ups if we could but we simply can’t. And we’re very fortunate to have family who can and want to help. The childcare arrangements really aren’t an issue- it’s who’s to blame for not asking FiL. I’m not sure as both of us feel bad and both are probably being defensive so that’s why I’m asking people who don’t know us for unbiased opinions

Sucks to be you.

OP and many others do have that support.

I manage a team of 6 men.5 of them have kids. All of them do school pick ups/drop off and know where their kids are when, who had them and if they need to make arrangements for it

So maybe her DH shouldn't be unreliable so guess what, maybe he should have sorted it like others would do!

Thanks again for replies- think I’ve caught up now.
I know I could have asked FiL myself- this is the actual disagreement between us. However as DH talks to his dad more often than I do and was seeing him in person the day before and for the fact I was busy and do everything, I thought he could ask him. If I take it all on I’m letting him get away with putting all organisation on me. More the point he said he would (twice) but when he forgot this became my fault. I’m not prepared to be his mum, boss or secretary. I think the poster who suggested he’s deflecting because he feels shit has probably got it.
Also, again, we would pick her up every day if we could. Sadly we can’t. We need our jobs and our jobs don’t allow that on a regular basis

I wasn’t depending on him to get DD. I thought FiL was getting her but DH had forgotten to ask him even though he’d told me he’d had. I didn’t ask work to for leave to pick her up because I thought FIL was picking her up, as confirmed by DH. If no one could have got her I would have asked work for leave early but I had no idea no one was going for her and the thought of this makes me very upset

I do understand but it sounds like OP does have that support with family picking up?

It is good that you can manage to do this, @Jeannie88, but you do understand that every job isn’t the same, many can’t or won’t enable parents to do pick ups, and most people don’t have a choice of jobs from which they can pick the one that suits their circumstances.

I was lucky - we could manage on dh’s salary, so I could stay at home - but I can still appreciate that a lot of people have to do jobs that don’t allow for them to do pick ups.

@Runninggirls26 isn’t saying she doesn’t have the help - she is saying she is angry that her dh said he would ask his dad to pick up their dd, and forgot to do so, despite her checking with him that he had, so her dd wasn’t picked up from school on time. And now he is trying to make it her fault, for not reminding him - despite him being just as much of a parent as her. As she says, she doesn’t want to be his mum, his boss or his secretary.

My work situation was the same, we both worked full time with nursery care and early years breakfast club and after school care, didn't have anyone to look after DC.

Sorry, I know I went off at a tangent, and it's just one of those things, we all make mistakes and forget things. Lesson learnt, move forward, it won't happen again. Xx

You had no one to help and wraparound didn’t work for you so you had to make it work and organised you and your DHs work around it.

The OP has help so has organised her and her DHs work around it.

Your situations are very different

Saying pick up your own kid is bloody stupid

Yes, I totally understand and the hard way. We were both working full time professional jobs so before and after school clubs. It became clear our DC couldn't manage this so I changed my career to adjust to this. Hence, we couldn't do drop offs and pick ups at normal times, i did feel sad I couldn't do this.

Yes you were lucky to be able to stay at home, which is a tough job in itself.

So back to the point, it's a lesson learnt. Yes DH forgot, shouldn't have happened, anything to do with kids we need to triple check. He will have felt devastated, im sure, but we all make mistakes. Learn, move on.

So has your DH apologised yet OP?

He was clearly in the wrong, both for lying to you and saying that he'd arranged for FIL to pick up when he hadn't, and for the "middleman" comment.

Has he accepted that it was his error and he was grossly out of line to act like he's your manager, telling you to do a job that he'd fucked up?

I’d be kicking his ass out the door!
obviously his child isn’t one of his priorities

The minor argument between OP and her DH is the whole point of her post though and what she's asking mumsnet for opinions on! So if it's little to no interest to you don't put your 2 pence in!! To echo others here the post isn't about who should or shouldn't be picking up the child, it's about DH suggesting that OP shouldn't be using him as 'middle man' in asking his Dad to pick up his DD.
You've missed the whole point of the post (as have others) and are just being unnecessarily judgmental.

I’m very serious BECAUSE he can hold down a job. In a job he know exactly where his responsibilities begin and end and he’s got objectives to work towards. In his personal life he clearly thinks he has no responsibilities and OP is in charge of everything which should be be the case. OP needs to give him responsibility so he can learn be a better dad and a better partner. It’s not rocket science but he clearly doesn’t get it and needs to be trained

@NotTooOldPaul What the fuck????? You walked home alone as a 4yr old??????? That's neglect. I don't care how you dress it up, it is neglect! Even a 9yr old out unsupervised is neglect never mind a fucking toddler

It's treating him like a 5 year old. 'sense of pride' fgs

He's a fully functioning grown up and I don't see how patronising him to that level is sensible

Times have changed as traffic has changed.

a) 4 year-olds aren't toddlers.
b) long ago it would have been perfectly normal, after starting school, definitely pre-war and into the 50s, 4 year olds would have been walking home - especially in villages where everyone knew everyone - without a parent. Life was very, very different and quieter.
In the late 50s/early 60s when I was lower junior, so 7-ish I did the 10/15 minute journey on my own at lunchtime. The school was on an estate and I would have crossed 3 relatively quiet roads to get there

Yes, sorry ‘some men’. Although they are more than capable with many things, when it’s not something they usually do, incapable springs to mind.

If you think from OPs post he’s a fully functioning adult you clearly have different expectations of what that means to me. He confirmed he did something twice but he hadn’t. Plus OP has stated she bears all the mental load. That’s not a fully functioning adult.

My partner and I divide all household tasks (house related, child related and life related) equally between us and each have equal responsibilities. This situation didn’t just arise natural. I managed it by not accepting the full load. It can be done in a very non patronising way

Genuinely don’t understand some posters on here. Doesn’t matter what the regular childcare arrangements are, there was one day where they had to change. OP asked husband to ask his Dad to do it, he said it was sorted. She asked him again if it was ok and he said it was. Except all along, husband hadn’t actually bothered to ask his dad.

Husband KNEW the normal childcare wasn’t in place that day, he KNEW that his dad was supposed to be the stand in, and twice he told OP that his dad would do it when he KNEW he hadn’t bothered to ask. He KNEW that noone had it in their plans to pick her up, and instead of doing something about it, or even just telling his wife that it wasn’t sorted so that she could do something about it, he just did nothing, and consequently no one went to collect her.

No question about it, this is entirely the husbands fuckup.

and your post isn't? 🤣