To not want a funeral when I die?

[blackrosemage]

Just that really. I recently mentioned this to a friend in one of those '3am' conversations about death and he was horrified at the suggestion. I am now wondering if I am a complete weirdo! (Although probably not enough to change my mind on the matter)

I am uncomfortable with having my en-coffined body displayed and driven down a street in a glass vehicle for all to goggle at and then placed on a plinth and be surrounded by people (half of which won't have made any contribution to my life while I was breathing) making a public display of their sadness at my passing. I would much rather a quiet, private celebration of my life which is how I and my close family and friends conduct ourselves in life now.

So leave instructions for the kind of funeral you do want. It really doesn’t have to be the way you say you don’t want. In fact, it sounds like you do want a funeral, just a different kind.

Thanks. I was going to make this very point

No I really do not want a funeral...the alternative options I have were if my loved ones wished to do something to help them. I would be more than happy with nothing at all

I am uncomfortable with having my en-coffined body displayed and driven down a street in a glass vehicle for all to goggle at and then placed on a plinth and be surrounded by people (half of which won't have made any contribution to my life while I was breathing) making a public display of their sadness at my passing.

So arrange to have a different kind of funeral?

Mumsnet has no end of threads about how people don't like to socialise or even open the front door to strangers but somehow not wanting a traditional funeral is seen as wrong. It's a bit pathetic of people to disapprove of how other families deal with death. It's ignorant and a little offensive.

Lots and lots of people are actively choosing not to have funerals and not only because of the costs involved.

I can easily understand why funerals are the right thing for some families but they aren't for everyone. I'm glad that my family and my extended family are in agreement. It should go without saying that if someone wanted a funeral we would embrace that too.

You missed my post below

@WhatDaPoint but we're more talking about situations where people aren't in agreement.

If you don't want a funeral and nobody in your family in fussed then it's not a problem - but would you really deny your husband and children the chance to have one if that's what they felt they needed in order to grieve?

@blackrosemage but what if those left behind didn't want to do those things? What if they felt they needed a funeral in order to come to terms with what had happened - would you really want to deny them that even though you were dead and completely oblivious anyway?

It's not about denying them the tools they need to grieve. They would of course be welcome to mark the occasion in some way if that's what they wanted/needed...I would however request that it was not with a traditional funeral out of respect for my wishes. How is that unreasonable?

We spent the day at my parents house and have afternoon tea. Much better for us to remember DF in familiar surroundings.

@blackrosemage I guess I just don't understand why it matters when you're dead and gone anyway 🤷‍♀️

You won't know what happens and you won't be the one left to deal with the aftermath of it.

@fieldsofbutterflies

It's like you deliberately didn't read my post properly I literally said It should go without saying that if someone wanted a funeral we would embrace that too.

So, to answer you question, no I wouldn't deny someone a funeral if that's what they wanted. Obviously!

My problem with the alternatives - going to the pub, tea at home, etc - is that they're so mundane, not special and not memorable.

Whereas funerals - all the types on the spectrum, from high church to crem, from humanist to woodland ceremony - have that element of ritual which act as punctuation marks in our life, help people articulate profound experiences - such as birth, marriage and death, provide an unusual setting that allow people to express things (grief, memories, hope) that day-to-day settings don't usually allow for.

The Grayson Perry docu I posted a link to up-thread is good as in it he observes funerals around the world, then discusses how this ritual needs to be modernised to fit with our lives (and finances?) today.

@WhatDaPoint you misunderstood.

I meant what if everyone except the person who had passed away wanted a funeral?

To you - I think you're forgetting that anything can be meaningful to humans - we create meaning and ritual as part of our humanity, yes, and it's very shortsighted to assume you know what that looks like.

My ritual, for a loved one who died years ago, is to stop and look at a particular view whenever I pass, which is only every couple of years. It's far more memorable to me than the bog standard funeral service which I barely remember as anything other than an ordeal to get through.

What if everyone except the person who'd passed away didn't want a funeral? Is that ok as well?

@ditalini well in my opinion, yes, because they'd be dead and oblivious anyway 🤷‍♀️

I expect that won't be very popular though!

Well they would be dead so they wouldn't care but I guess it would depend what everybody wanted. I would go along with what was best for everyone

MN would get rid of all rituals such as baptisms, weddings and funerals. It's a very peculiar place. I wonder what Irish mnetters think of this thread.

My DGM just had a direct cremation. We met up in the hall of her local church the next day, had a buffet with family and friends, my DF and aunt did speeches and then we all ate, drank tea, wrote in a memory book and then left when we felt ready. It was very casual, very intimate and far less upsetting than a funeral yet we all spoke of her, enjoyed the things she enjoyed (tea and cake!) and spent time together.

That's what I want now.

Exactly. My grandmother had a funeral where the numbers were hugely limited by Covid, but the upsetting part was not being allowed to gather afterwards.

We had exactly what you describe when restrictions were lifted and it was a hell of a lot more meaningful than sitting in a crematorium with her coffin.

"She" wasn't at the crematorium, but her spirit/memory was there in spades 6 months on. Too mundane for some though.

Its peculiarity is a matter of perspective. There's no right or wrong here

They might feel mundane to you...but that doesn't mean that others couldn't find special meaning in them.

agreed. MN would have everybody stay at home with their own little family, cutting people off left right and centre and not opening the door to anybody. It’s the most self centred site.
And people are surprised when we are all depressed and stressed and alone and unsupported in the drudgery of life.
The role of rituals as a way of forging bonds and marking the passing of life is so important in most world cultures, but here we just cut it right back like it’s a frivolous waste of money. It’s just not.

…but here we just cut it right back like it’s a frivolous waste of money. It’s just not.

Those who work for the very lucrative funeral industry would agree with you. Those who realize traditional funerals are not everyone’s preference, would not. Just as wedding options are varied and range from elopement to huge extravaganzas, we can all choose how - and if - to mark bereavement. And those who do it quietly, or not at all, should be supported and respected, not castigated.