To not want a funeral when I die?

[blackrosemage]

Just that really. I recently mentioned this to a friend in one of those '3am' conversations about death and he was horrified at the suggestion. I am now wondering if I am a complete weirdo! (Although probably not enough to change my mind on the matter)

I just think it’s important that the person is respected. In terms of things like baptisms, I believe they should be only be done when the person is old enough to make a decision for themselves. With funerals, again the person should be listened to and their wishes respected.

With weddings, the bride and groom should get to have the day that they want and people here generally agree that the people should be adults and make the decision for themselves.

Our DM had arranged and paid for her funeral, humanist service, just at the crem and then family back at home. Lots of people turned up.
The part I think you might miss out on was the chat we had with the celebrant. Dealing with DM was really hard work before her death and I think those could easily have been my memories of her. The celebrant (amazing man who did dad's funeral previously) got us talking about her, much more in depth than in a family chat scenario. He brought out 'hidden' good memories and stories and this really allowed me to let go of whom she had become and remember her as the DM she was. For that I will be truly grateful.
If you decide on a direct cremation your family are welcome to hold a celebration of your life afterwards if that's what they desire.

But the question was, if I don’t want a funeral for myself is that unreasonable, and I wanted to make the case for everyone left behind. That it is not money for nothing, you shouldn’t feel like people are making a pointless fuss, funerals are really great for people left behind, very cathartic.

I think this is how I would feel too. My DM started making noises about being left to medical science, which seemed to involve being left on a beach in Dundee for medical students to observe the decomposition process. I told her no way could I cope with that. It was just too brutal and I would have had nightmares about it. Glad we spoke so openly about it though, and she was just as happy to agree that a “normal” funeral for the remaining family would also be fine. She wasn’t fussed, and I think her friends (all elderly) needed the chance to say a final farewell. They said it was nice to see pics of her as a young woman, and hear stories of her life that they hadn’t heard.

It was non religious and the celebrant was a great story teller, there’s no way any family member could have done this.

I think we did her proud. 90+ years on this planet deserved some sort of recognition.

I think it’s fine to not want one, but I also think funerals are for the living and for me I needed that closure for my dad’s funeral. It helped us all to heal.

I agree. My father did not have a funeral and I was surprised how difficult I found that.

Yes a colleague at work went through that. She booked the afternoon off the day he was having his direct cremation. She really struggled with observing his wishes and I can see that as arranging my dads funeral, going to see him to say goodbye at the chapel of rest and speaking at his funeral, and then catching up with all those who came; those are the things that sustained me in the early months of grieving for my beloved father. Had he just been cremated without us being there, this would have massively affected the way I dealt with his death. Being able to arrange that send off helped more than I could have ever have imagined and I can’t help feeling that it’s a bit selfish to deny that to relatives.

Totally agree

But not everyone left behind feels that way. As I already posted, i’ve attended plenty of funerals. For both parents, parents in law, grandparents, other relatives, and friends.

i have never felt better after attending a funeral service, they are awful. I dread(ed) them and the tradition of putting the grieving next of kin on display to publicly have to go through emotions they may have preferred to feel in private. They do not feel like closure or healing, they make everything worse. I have heard from others how much they hate funerals, so I think I have plenty of company. However, as I mentioned in another post, perhaps it is different for religious people.

I also wonder how many next of kin feel forced to conduct them because they are expected. So, perhaps a loved on’s declaration that they do not wish to have a traditional funeral could be a relief to their next of kin as they can forego it based on the wishes of the deceased. And if they object, they can talk to their loved one while they are still alive and try to convince them otherwise.

@LuckyPeonies but your point is that you don’t like attending other people’s funerals, and you don’t have to.

If a person dying was concerned that the funeral was going to be an insufferable ordeal for their family and they wanted to have that conversation to lessen the burden on them, then that’s completely reasonable and a different thing.

But the AIBU was I don’t want a funeral. I’m dead, do my wishes trump all else. There are lots of opinions, and mine is that funerals are useful and what do you care when you are dead if you are thrown in the canal, or your relatives hire professional mourners to follow your cortège wailing and throwing ashes on themselves. See what is best for them.

What's weirder was my DM. She didn't believe in an after life or God or anything, but insisted she have a funeral in a church with lots of people weeping over her coffin. She had several demands about clothing, flowers, songs etc, and wanted a big celebration after.

What she got was 7 people and a vicar in a churchyard, wrapped up in puffa coats and scarves, in the snow, during COVID. They almost dropped her on the ice. Ah well. Best laid plans.

Funerals are grim. Skip that part, and just have a party.

Either the deceased’s wishes allow the next of kin to avoid a funeral they dread, or they disagree with his/her wishes. If they do, they need to communicate that while the person is still alive, and attempt to change their mind. However, part of respecting the deceased is to follow their wishes. So if they don’t want a funeral, don’t hold a funeral for them.

It is the same as a deceased atheist having made clear they do not want a religious service. Should the religious next of kin override those wishes and hold a religious service? What about burial preference, should next of kin who feel a ‘proper’ burial with embalming etc. is vital override the wishes of someone who wants a green burial or cremation?

Have to say, I'm a bit bemused reading it. There is something very 'special' about a funeral here, it's far from misery and weeping. And in more rural places, special traditions. But I suppose if someone said I do not want a funeral, would I be right to ignore their wishes. I'm not sure.

@LuckyPeonies
yes, good points, the best funerals are very personal, the worst funerals are very memorable.
but I do think the dead body is a profound experience and good for closure and reflection, which is an unpopular opinion.

I feel like I’ve been to lots of funerals, lots of types, personal and professional, good and bad, I worked in palliative care for quite a few years and I wanted to say that in my experience funerals are very helpful for the bereaved and everyone who knew the departed.

I wanted people who are choosing not to have a funeral to consider if that is perhaps a bit selfish on their part, and are they considering those left behind. To not worry about it being a fuss or an expense or a burden. There are benefits for those left to grieve. If they are determined not to have a funeral, and their relatives are worse off because of it, I don’t know that is a kind choice. I have seen that often, it’s an absolute shame.

I didn't find either of my parents funerals "cathartic", in fact it was quite the opposite.

I'm from a rural Scottish background. Church funerals and crematorium funerals with a celebrant are a big part of life here. Not having any sort of funeral would be very unusual.

It'd be hugely unusual here I think. And I do find them (personally) a rare occasion to see people you'd normally never see and hear stories about the deceased you've never heard. It's cliche, but they are a celebration of the life. But I do see the point about ignoring the wishes of the deceased. What if we started doing that with wills for example 🫣

As an aside, my husband is just after taking a call regarding his aunt who is near death. Likely in the next couple of days. So it's all very close to the bone this afternoon.

There are things I don’t like about traditional funerals in England. I know some people don’t feel free to cry as much as they want to - the English seem to care more about looking dignified than letting themselves grieve. And I hate those ghastly receiving lines after the service.

That doesn’t mean funerals aren’t useful , but I think some countries do them better than we do.

Thanks for answering my question earlier, @blackrosemage . I get it now.

I think the problem is when those left behind vary in what it is they need or prefer. Several people have said that the lack of a funeral didn't leave them in limbo at all. Others (more of them I think) have said that they did feel in limbo. I don't think there's a way to resolve that. And I certainly wouldn't want to leave sibling discord behind when I go.

I don't find them cathartic in the least. Just an horrendous ordeal to be got through as best you can when you are in an extremely bad place to start with. All the family dread them and that is why I want to spare them the trauma. If they want to have a get together a couple of months down the line when a little of the sting has gone that's fine.

@Coatsoff42 , i think dead bodies can be very traumatizing. My MIL and FIL were ‘on display’ and it was grim. Both of my parents had closed coffins, but my mother died very unexpectedly and, as I live overseas and had to travel back, the day after I arrived I was told (by relatives) I should view her body ‘for closure’. They were very insistent about this, but I vehemently refused. I was advised this was a huge mistake, I would regret it, etc. More than 20 years on, I am still glad I did not give in, and do not regret it in the least.

What is sad is that so many posters are talking about how funerals are so important as they provide a chance to get together with family and friends that they wouldn't otherwise see.

As I've already mentioned my family have wholeheartedly embraced direct-to-crem with no service and I wonder if one of the reasons we all
Like it is because we get together just for the sake of it and don't need an occasion like a funeral to do so.

My four adult kids and their partners recently arranged to spend the weekend at my Mums house despite it being a long way for them and despite them all be busy people. To me that's much more important than getting together when someone has died.

I'll say it again. I understand why funerals are important to some people but they are not relevant or of any value to others. None of my immediate family are planning on having a funeral or service of any kind and that's the right thing for us.

I don't know why that's sad as such? Most people don't get to see all their cousins etc that often. And it just so happens that funerals means that they are all in one place together. It takes the edge off the sadness, everyone has a story and people end up in tears laughing a lot of thee time.