To not want a funeral when I die?

[blackrosemage]

Just that really. I recently mentioned this to a friend in one of those '3am' conversations about death and he was horrified at the suggestion. I am now wondering if I am a complete weirdo! (Although probably not enough to change my mind on the matter)

And it would seem that for others it's not. You can't say "goodbye" to someone who is no longer alive, and I would prefer to concentrate on my memories of that person when they were alive.

@WhatDaPoint has written a very insightful post.

I held direct cremations for both my parents, my DF actually expressed his wish for one. I am not in a weird state of limbo and haven't found it at all emotionally difficult to process it and move forward.

Surely you can see that not everyone is the same?

@nothingsforgotten yep, and nobody would force you to attend a funeral if you didn't want to.

I can't imagine telling people they couldn't arrange a funeral for me once I was dead - it's not like you know what's happening anyway 🤷‍♀️

There is huge pressure from Funeral Directors to have 'the very best for your dearly departed'. I have witnessed this pressure- it is awful, and turn out to be massively expensive.

I actually found the opposite. I had read about direct cremations on MN when my DM died, but didn't know if they were available in my country. When I went to see the funeral directors about the funeral the first option they gave me was a direct cremation.

Yes, I have. Dh & I had the conversation a while back.

I don't much care what happens to me as I won't actually be part of it, so would be happy with direct cremation and for there to be some sort of gathering separately if that's what those left behind want.

He wasn't too keen, and to be honest I think part of that was the hassle - much easier to just let the funeral director get on with things. So the compromise is to pare it back as much as possible because I do have genuine feelings about coffins, flowers etc. I would prefer for the cheapest possible option and for any savings to go to charity and I hope he'll honour that.

Dh wants a burial which is not something I've any experience of since everyone I've lost has been cremated and we've no family tradition of visiting graves, so I've asked him to have a good think about what it is he wants and expects and to write that down. He looked a bit miffed about that, but if you're going to have definite wishes then you need to communicate them - although of course on this thread it's all about the living, so I'd be entitled to give him a woodland burial and have done with it.

Last summer, I went to a humanist funeral at a natural burial ground. The sun shone, the birds sang and the celebrant and close relatives spoke movingly of the deceased. Then we had a wake at a pub. There was a little display of the deceased’s artwork and needlework for us to admire.

Being mindful of your environmental impact doesn’t preclude a funeral.

I can't imagine telling people they couldn't arrange a funeral for me once I was dead - it's not like you know what's happening anyway 🤷‍♀️

Me neither. I could probably pull rank and guilt my relatives into respecting my choices, but why would I want to stop them from holding a service if they felt it would help them?

I don’t want my final message to my loved ones to be “fuck you, it’s all about me”.

This was an another reason we didn’t have a funeral for DF. Someone stood at the front talking kindly about a man they’d never met.

No limbo here either. DF passed from cancer. We said our goodbyes to him when he was in hospital ( we were told he wasn’t pulling through). Our grief was for the loss of him, that didn’t change because there was no funeral. For me death is very cut and dried. When you’re gone you’re gone. What’s left behind is purely the vessel that carried your personality, likes, dislikes, sense of humour etc.
But I accept everybody is different.

Why is that worse than someone dictating how their loved ones can and cannot mark their death and feeling of loss? Someone who won't even be there?

There are lots of ways the wishes of the dead can be respected, but this seems an odd thing to be so insistent about.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this, you did exactly what you wanted to do to manage your own sense of loss.

How would you have felt if your DH had insisted that he did want a funeral? Would you have had one because he wanted it?

Yes, simple funeral after organ donation. My DH and children know to volunteer and not wait to be asked.

For those who think it is OK to disrespect the choices of funeral, or not, of loved ones- would you also feel ok about not respecting their wishes for organ donation?

Exactly!

I don't understand why the "wishes" of a dead person take priority over the people who are left behind to manage the aftermath.

I understand following their wishes in terms of cremation or burial, or whether their organs are donated, but not about whether someone has a funeral or not

It genuinely makes no sense to me and o can't believe people think they can dictate how other people get to grieve and mourn once they're gone.

For those who think it is OK to disrespect the choices of funeral, or not, of loved ones- would you also feel ok about not respecting their wishes for organ donation?

I personally don't think they're remotely comparable, but either way I'd be dead so I wouldn't know anything either way 🤷‍♀️

NOt quite the point. But yes, comparable as in respect their wishes or not.

A few facts about the environmental damage of cremation

https://earthfuneral.com/resources/is-cremation-bad-for-environment/

I don't want a funeral either and neither does DH. We're not religious, in our late 60s have no close family younger than us except DS. We have discussed it with him and put it in our wills.

My dad died very suddenly in Spain and wanted to be cremated which isn't really their way so no funeral. We had a small memorial service for him back in the UK and his ashes were put in a niche with my mum's in what had been their local churchyard.

I also think the whole thing has become ridiculously expensive. I'd rather DS got the money, assuming there's any left!

@fungipie whether it's comparable or not is, imo, personal opinion.

Personally I don't think you can compare what is essentially a medical procedure with a ceremony.

I don't want a funeral - I can't think of anyone except immediate family who would attend (I don't have a social circle/any friends) and its such a waste of money for less than a dozen people. I've asked my DC to give me a direct cremation in a cardboard coffin then use the money saved on a funeral and coffin for a holiday near my favourite beach and scatter my ashes on the cliffs during an offshore gale x need to look into the logistics of this and whether its allowed but that would be my ideal. Also need to write it down somewhere so my wishes can't be overridden by bossy but well meaning people........................

Rituals - including around death, funerals - are part of what makes humans different to animals.

I personally feel sad that humans are turning their back on this, especially for financial rather than spiritual reasons. I also think it's really a decision for the living, more than the dead. Funerals tend to help living people to grieve, a coping mechanism, to give a deeper meaning. Funerals mean nothing to the dead.

Grayson Perry's documentary about end-of-life rituals in different communities and cultures around the world, including UK, is very thought-provoking. https://www.channel4.com/programmes/grayson-perry-rites-of-passage

Exactly and they’re so depressing. Everyone sat around crying in black. I don’t understand the obsession with them. What a waste of money.

I’d rather my family and friends went to the pub or had a little party and gave me a toast.

I think I have said what the reason is, but I'll explain again more clearly: I think the traditional funeral is an act of unnecessary pomp that actually doesn't have anything to do with grieving or closure. I am uncomfortable with having my en-coffined body displayed and driven down a street in a glass vehicle for all to goggle at and then placed on a plinth and be surrounded by people (half of which won't have made any contribution to my life while I was breathing) making a public display of their sadness at my passing. I would much rather a quiet, private celebration of my life which is how I and my close family and friends conduct ourselves in life now. I don't see a need for all that fuss (or expenditure). I would much rather the money be spent on things for my son's future. As for the 'closure' aspect for my loved ones left behind, I really don't see how a show of this kind would help them any more than coming together in another way. Why couldn't this be done in a humanist ash scattering or a small remembrance celebration in the village pub or planting a tree? Why is an actual funeral so important? Im not meaning to be stubborn, I just truly don't understand it. And I mean no disrespect at all to people who do choose that for themself or their loved ones. It's a very personal thing and I don't think I or anyone else not planning to have one should be vilified and labelled selfish or 'emotionally unintelligent'. It's just a difference of viewpoint.

My DF's funeral was a joyous occasion. DH and I and our DSs went to his burial.
Then we went to his memorial service in the local church followed by the funeral tea. Reminiscences, jokes and songs. The church was packed.
When my DB died young it was not a joyous occasion but it was a necessary one. He was hugely popular. Can you imagine a direct cremation and no funeral for him? His family and friends wanted to say goodbye.

What is wrong with crying? We should have more crying.

Funerals are for the living.
We were denied a proper funeral due to lockdown. 10 people only.
It was awful. No proper closure

BIossomtoes · Today 10:10

Just out of interest, has everyone who doesn’t want a funeral checked with their family to see how they feel about it? And would you change your mind if they were horrified at the the idea?

Yes, and at present they feel the same as I do. They aren't (any of them) religious, and they don't find comfort in social traditions of this sort.

If they were horrified by the idea, then of course I'd say it was up to them: they'll after all be there and I won't.

I was relieved that my parents didn't want funerals: for me at a time of grief, 'hell is other people' and having to be social about my grief would make my grief even worse. It's not the ceremony; it's having to deal publicly with people's condolences. But I would have followed their wishes.