To not want a funeral when I die?

[blackrosemage]

Just that really. I recently mentioned this to a friend in one of those '3am' conversations about death and he was horrified at the suggestion. I am now wondering if I am a complete weirdo! (Although probably not enough to change my mind on the matter)

My four adult kids and their partners recently arranged to spend the weekend at my Mums house despite it being a long way for them and despite them all be busy people. To me that's much more important than getting together when someone has died. But that's not what people mean by meeting people you haven't seen for ages. It could be old friends, acquaintances etc. Anyway it's no skin off my nose as to how people deal with death

O course one shouldn't deny one's family the right to hold a funeral if it helps them.

But by the same token, should one push one's family to give one a 'big send-off' if a big social gathering is likely to add to their pain, even leaving aside the financial implications?

I do think that sometimes people think that a funeral is expected of them, even if it's the reverse of helpful for them, and even if the person who died wouldn't really have wanted it/cared. I think that letting your family know if you don't want a funeral, or perhaps only a small family-only funeral, may sometimes relieve them of that pressure,

This has been a topic of conversation with me and relatives recently. I've been really ill and been in and out of hospital, and I'm so grateful to the NHS for all they've done for me in this shitshow of a crumbling health service the government had left us with, so I've decided to donate my body to the local medical school for people learning how to be Doctors and surgeons. I've read up on it from their own info, and also independent info and I'm definitely doing it..... Only problem is they won't accept my application until I turn 50. 😩

They have an annual service of Thanksgiving for families of those who donated their bodies, and the medical students also attend. It sounds a rather touching and meaningful event to both set of attendees.

I'm single with no children and no chance of having any so my direct line stops with me. I have one Niece and only a very small wider family so apart from friends there's no real need to have a funeral. In fact my friends would be surprised if I did anything so sensible and traditional as have one.

TRIGGER WARNING - NEXT BIT IS A BIT GRIM
I have also enquired as to whether I could be part of an experiment I'd seen. I want to be useful, but also very unconventional. I wanted to be left in a forest stuffed into a suitcase, by crime scene investigators who monitor levels of maggots and decomposition gases to help know how long murder victims have been left. This was a real thing they did, with a grid of m² squares marked out, with like 5 x 6 suitcases stood in a forest at different stages of body decomposition. But alas, I've enquired and the experiment has ended and no more need for bodies to be stuffed into suitcases. I was so enthusiastic about doing this, so settling for a medical student chopping me up to learn things and help others is the most adventurous thing I can hope for. 😩

I thought this and still do a bit. However my dbro died and didn't have a funeral and I hated it.
My conclusion is thar funerals are for those left behind.

I would love for people to have a party and play a few good songs. I don't care where they put me, whatever suits them.

I totally don't want one. I want there to be a designated day that everyone takes off to go to 'Persipan's funeral' and then they go do something nice that maybe I would have enjoyed. And then professionals can take care of my remains; I'm not in them anymore.

I agree. I remember when my aunt died and I asked my uncle just before her funeral was to begin how he was doing, and he replied "I'll be better when all this is over" or words to that effect, which made me realise than not everyone thinks funerals are as special as some people would have you believe. As you said, to some they are nothing more than an ordeal.

There is in my opinion something to be said for the Islamic tradition of the burial the next day(?) as you are not waiting a long time which I think makes the dread worse.

Regardless of that, your choice and it should be respected. It does not stop your loved ones remembering you and celebrating your life in some other way.

We live in NZ and funerals are usually held within a few days.

Our beloved dog’s ashes are also safely with us in a wardrobe 😊 I have also said when I go I want them to go with me.

I'm having a direct cremation, good enough for David Bowie! Funerals are a waste of money and unnecessary in my eyes. Funeral directors (many) upsell everything to push the price up, at a time when next of kin are vulnerable. The cars for example, why have limos for close family, everyone has their own cars these days! It's just another way to get £500+ out of relations. I no longer attend funerals either.

What is sad is that so many posters are talking about how funerals are so important as they provide a chance to get together with family and friends that they wouldn't otherwise see

This is part of the reason I detest them so much. People who don't bother with you when you're alive all seem to have the entitlement and selfishness of needing a funeral for closure. Get off your arses and connect with people you haven't seen in years without thinking it's your right to have it at a ruddy wake.

My partner and I have had the fact that neither of us wants a funeral written into our wills.

Tbf, lots of people appreciate the ritual of saying goodbye to people that mean something to them. There are times when people lose touch due to life circumstances taking over, it's not necessarily a lack of effort things. It can just happen in the course of life.

My Dad hated my Mum's funeral wake (he kept asking me to take him home and said he hated wakes) so much that after his death, my brother and I (as his executors) said we weren't having one. Our older brother said he thought we should and I pointed out that all Dad's friends had died, that hardly any family were coming and it was something he'd particularly said he didn't like. I was especially concerned at how few people would attend, which I felt would be sad and upsetting.

So we didn't.

I have a feeling this will become more and more common to be honest.

Still doesn't give the right to expect a funeral.

I have no children and few relatives. I have a much younger brother (neither of us has anything to do with the older one) and if my partner dies before me, I really do not want him to have to arrange a funeral for me which would be poorly attended and cause him even more grief.

He knows my wishes and respects them.

You can expect whatever you want, but any sane person should be aware there are no guarantees when they're gone!

My Dad's was in January 2023. The total cost was more than £4k and we only had:

Service led by non-religious celebrant at the crem. Cheapest of coffins. No cars other than hearse to bring Dad to the crem (all family went in own cars). Dad's ashes placed subsequently in plot with Mum's.

A large part of the cost is the funeral director's work/costs, plus crem fees, celebrant's fees (although I thought she was very reasonable for the work she did - she even came and led a ceremony at the grave plot).

There was no wake (see one of my posts above for reasons).

I don't want one either. To be honest, as I have barely any friends, no one would attend a funeral anyway.

I doubt that's true. It's cheesy AF but you never know how many lives you've touched.

It's about 25% (a little bit less) of funerals that are direct to crem in the UK now. So not exactly unusual.

One thing that I'm interested in is the belief by some posters that it's wrong to avoid traditional funerals because they are too emotional and upsetting. Do they belief that there is a benefit to the outpouring of grief that can occur at a funeral? We have had two loved ones die and have direct to crem funerals with no service or ashes at all and although we've obviously had times when we've been together and cried we've not had those overwhelming and hugely emotional moments that you might have in a funeral. I guess our grief has been more 'gentle' even though we've never shied away from it.
For me and my family I'm 100% convinced we've done it the right way but do some people feel they need to experience that intensity of grief that must happen at some funerals.

I understand why some people want and need funerals. I'm just curious of the exact details.

It's a cultural thing in some respects? In Ireland, there has always been one way to do a funeral. Probably starting to shift slightly now, but generally funerals were mass, food, drinks. That's just how it's done for most people. I expect it might change, but that's largely how it still is. And (personally, despite not being Catholic), I think it's a nice way to do it.

My parents both opted for a direct cremation. I was upset with the choice at first but accepted it was what they wanted. On both occasions I still attended and was invited in by the crem staff.

I think it depends on who the funeral is for. If it's for a child or young adult then I think a funeral would be very important.