To think that first marriages are mostly a disaster.

[IneffableCuriosity]

Obviously not in every case.

Bear with me…

I have noticed a pattern emerging in friends of mine, colleagues, close friends, family members and old friends from uni who all seem to end up in terrible first marriages to deadbeat men(or women!) who do the bare minimum, partners who cheat, are physically or verbally abusive or partners who are generally mismatched and the relationship was doomed to fail.

The colleagues/friends who were originally in terrible relationships seem to go on to meet someone lovely who pulls their weight and the relationship is healthy, stable and loving. They are generally much older and more mature and have grown as people and learned from past mistakes.

I understand that this is not always the case. Some are lucky enough to have wonderful first marriages. Some can obviously go into yet another dreadful relationship after the first one.

AIBU in thinking it is common among (mainly women) to sleepwalk into a first marriage/long term relationship with DCs?

I know exactly what you are saying and you are incorrect.

YABU OP. People tend to encounter or befriend those similar to them. Most people I know are still married to the same person.

IME people either stay with the first person the my marry, don't bother marrying their next long term partner, but stay together, or marry several times. I have a few friends who date people for a year or two before it goes to pot, but not many.

@GalaxyRasbora

I wonder if this isn't age or number of relationships but knowing yourself.
I knew from my early teens I wanted to be married, be a mum, and be a teacher.
Growing up I've been all over the world with my parents- I hated it, so I knew I didn't want to travel.

I think perhaps it’s easier for people who have real conviction about how they want their life to run. If you know you want to get married and settle down young it’s a pretty clear path.

Most people don’t have that sort of clarity.

If you throw into the mix careers, which usually delay having children by several years, things are much less clear cut.

These days a far greater proportion of women want to or feel they are able to have careers and that changes the way a lot of people see marriage. If you want to both be married and have a career the marriage has to be compatible with the career.

If you know you want to be a wife and mother it’s simpler.

I completely get where OP is coming from (though think the title a bit misleading, as the point doesn’t just relate to first marriages - note this has now been clarified!)

I think the point is that generally people who settle down with someone really young / their first partner end up divorced OR they stay together but are miserable. I see the latter in friendship groups more frequently. The people who settled down with the girlfriend or boyfriend they met at age 16 may still be together, but they are generally miserable! (Note the word generally - this isn’t applicable to everyone of course).

The people who either waited until later in life to meet the right person, or who got divorced / broke up with long term partner they met when young generally know more about who they are, what they are looking for / their non negotiables, have life experience behind them and won’t settle. Meeting “the one” later in life of course brings its own struggles. However the thought of ending up with my first boyfriend or even first long term partner is horrifying!

And the second and third ones!

Thing is all those going in so glad I didn’t marry my first…. That’s the point. You didn’t do it. Well done. You knew it wasn’t a good relationship so you didn’t marry him.

So what’s wrong with those who believe it is marrying them..

Not my experience with families, friends and co workers at all. All married in 20's , I know of two divorces out of 12 Uni friends. Married my dh at 25, still extremely happy 30 years later. It's always been a kind, respectful relationship where either of us do chores etc because we want to make each other happy and a happy home. It's quite condescending to say people who marry before mid 30's have married losers who are not mature enough for a grown up equal relationship.

I think it depends on the couple.

what I have noticed is men and women both get a lot nicer as they get older!!! So maybe it’s just that!

I wonder if this isn't age or number of relationships but knowing yourself.

@GalaxyRasbora I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. My Mum knew that she wanted to work and live in various countries before committing to a LTR. She spent her 20’s doing that and married my Dad in her early 30’s. She had boyfriends, got engaged a couple of times, but realized that she wasn’t ready yet.

It’s easier to make the right decision for you if you have a clear idea of what you want!

Agreed. I knew who I was from a young age and that I would be happier on my own than with someone who wasn't right for me.

I wonder if it's higher for second marriages because older women have learnt not to settle for a shit man and are more independent?

https://www.forbes.com/advisor/legal/divorce/divorce-statistics/#:~:text=Those%20who%20wed%20multiple%20times,of%20third%20marriages%20are%20dissolved. I don’t know if it’s the same in the UK.

Out of my 8 closest friendships... all married bar one, no divorces (yet). Two couples married late 20s, the rest early/mid 30s, marriages ranging from 13 - 20 years and counting. But who knows 🤷🏻‍♀️ Of my parents generation, several divorces and most didn't divorce until at least 25 years married.

Thepeopleversuswork you come across as incredibly condescending and smug. Patting on the head, people who were mature enough to commit younger than you. Saying it's comfortable and fine for them but not for world experienced, character developed you. Your comments about not being able to build a career within a marriage are utterly bizarre.

@Thepeopleversuswork

The marriage has to be compatible with the career

What a bizarre statement. Surely if you're getting married, the whole relationship has to be compatible with the life you want? Whether that be a high flying career, or children, or travel, or parties and entertainment, or being happy pottering about at home. Why would you choose to marry someone who wasn't compatible with the life you want to lead?

Surely if you're getting married, the whole relationship has to be compatible with the life you want?

Yes @IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos and I also think that it’s really important to be flexible, because life can be surprising sometimes! Even if you have a clear idea of what you want at one point, you never know what’s around the corner and you may need to adapt.

I mentioned the horrible divorce that I witnessed a few years ago between a couple who’d met and married in their 30’s. I suspect that inflexibility played a big role in that implosion, neither of them were prepared to adapt to the others’ changing priorities.

No I think the second marriages are just as likely to be a disaster - not least because of blended families and all the issues they bring with them.

I wouldn't say it's limited to married people tho you can attract all sorts when you're single 😂

We have both achieved things over our 50+ years together that we had never even thought about or dreamed we'd do - things we would probably never have achieved without the support and encouragement of the other. We are much stronger as a couple.

Eh? How is a career incompatible with marriage?
If anything I find being married much better for mine. I can take risks secure in the knowledge that well if anything happens hubby can still pay the bills. And vice versa.
Obviously children and mortgages make one less able to move but that's not guaranteed with a marriage

@Lub7347
I think the point is that generally people who settle down with someone really young / their first partner end up divorced OR they stay together but are miserable.

What? So there is no hope for me and DH? I don’t believe you.

@Cherryon Exactly, I know lots of people in long happy marriages, both in my family and among my friends.

@Lub7347 I’m not saying that some longterm couples aren’t secretly miserable and sticking it out for financial or family reasons, but there’s also plenty who still love each other. Most of my and DH’s family (parents and siblings) are in long term marriages or relationships. I know for sure that all of us are financially able to split up, but we don’t want to.

I also know that my Dad, who lost my Mum after 30 years, would do anything to have her back.

I’m sorry you feel I am condescending and smug.

But respectfully your perspective on this shows your own biases. You talk about people being “mature enough” to commit younger than I have.

This suggests that you regard “commitment” (from which I read “marriage”) is a sign of moral superiority. I just don’t see the world like this. Being in a marriage doesn’t make you a better person. I didn’t say you couldn’t build a career within marriage, but if you want to work you have to make sure the person you marry supports that. Of course it does: if you marry someone really traditional who believes a woman should remain at home having a career is going to be a problem.

I stand by what I say. Obviously there’s a lot to celebrate about being in a settled, committed relationship particularly with children. But I think doing it too young can limit people. I am very clear that it works for some people but it would not for me. I dont really get the need for the vitriol.

if you marry someone really traditional who believes a woman should remain at home having a career is going to be a problem

That would probably be a view that surfaced pre marriage though? I didn’t marry my first long term partner because I was by far the higher earner than him and I knew it would cause problems for him down the line. I can’t imagine that you would marry someone without any discussions about how they see the future in terms of children/careers etc.