To think that first marriages are mostly a disaster.

[IneffableCuriosity]

Obviously not in every case.

Bear with me…

I have noticed a pattern emerging in friends of mine, colleagues, close friends, family members and old friends from uni who all seem to end up in terrible first marriages to deadbeat men(or women!) who do the bare minimum, partners who cheat, are physically or verbally abusive or partners who are generally mismatched and the relationship was doomed to fail.

The colleagues/friends who were originally in terrible relationships seem to go on to meet someone lovely who pulls their weight and the relationship is healthy, stable and loving. They are generally much older and more mature and have grown as people and learned from past mistakes.

I understand that this is not always the case. Some are lucky enough to have wonderful first marriages. Some can obviously go into yet another dreadful relationship after the first one.

AIBU in thinking it is common among (mainly women) to sleepwalk into a first marriage/long term relationship with DCs?

I don't think I closed off any options apart from the fact that I chose to remain in a committed relationship with my dh from a young age, although having met him at 21 he was not my first relationship.

Perhaps you have had very limiting relationships and so have quite a limited view on the matter, but there is room for growth and change in a long term relationship. Obviously, unless of course you are using a variety of the relationship that you invest in to act as a lever for change and growth?

You are being rude and expecting people in my situation to take it.
And you dont like it, that all thats happening here,
You are wrong in your assumptions, and you really need to step back and see how bad you sound.

Everything you say I agree with. I feel the same as do most people given that only a tiny percentage of couples last from such a young age.

Some posters are bending over themselves to be pedantic, offended and rude. It’s almost as if they cant believe we don’t all share the same views
and they seem to be taking personally.

You can have whatever view you like but I just can't see any evidence for the assumptions that have been made when detailing the limitations of a style of relationship that you can only wonder about, having no experience of it yourself?

I look at my own life and it doesn't resemble this dreary life you have set up as a counterpart to your own.

She doesn’t sound bad at all. She’s sharing her opinion and has given her reasons. Her posts have been respectful and balanced.

I disagree.

Ive a bloody brilliant life tbh.

What works for one person doesn’t work for the next. She doesn’t have to experience it ti have an opinion that it wouldn’t be for her. I agree with her for the same reasons.

Knowing what I know now as a woman in my 40’s, the thought of staying with someone I met at 16 is not something I would like. There’s nothing wrong with saying we wanted to experience different relationships before we settled down.

Absolutely, I can see how someone could look at someone in a committed relationship at an early age in life and think that they would have a limited and restricted life for themselves, because they utilized a series of relationship for growth and change.

What is a leap though, is to summarize that other people cannot achieve growth and change when they marry young. It lacks the understanding that other people and other relationships can operate in a far richer fashion than they have the capacity to imagine.

I think the great unmentionable thing is that having children sucks the life out of a lot of first marriages.

@Doteycat

You are being rude and expecting people in my situation to take it.
And you dont like it, that all thats happening here,
You are wrong in your assumptions, and you really need to step back and see how bad you sound.

I’m not being rude and not “expecting you to take it”. I am sorry if my views upset you but its a discussion forum, the literal point of which is to express opinions.

I have gone out of my way to express that I recognise my views are different from others and I don’t expect everyone to agree with me. But I feel as I feel.

You seem very defensive about this. No one is saying anything perjorative about you life, but people are entitled to put their perspective.

This is such a silly premise for a thread. Perhaps I’ll start another one:
AIBU to think most dead people have had poor health?

@Desecratedcoconut

What is a leap though, is to summarize that other people cannot achieve growth and change when they marry young

Its a fair challenge and it’s not to say people cannot achieve growth and change. But I stand by the fact that in general it doesn’t support people in experiencing the widest possible opportunities life can provide.

Gosh you havent upset me at all, not in the slightest.
Im not defensive either, ive no need to bea, I just find your views are incorrect.
Ive not been stunted or any such thing, and you really need to rethink your opinion.
Its a bit like assuming the woman on the checkout doesnt have a PHD.
You can think it, but you may be very wrong.
If I said, I think people who have multiple partners had sad empty lives in search of real love, would you not think me rude? ( i dont think that by the way), just an example.
Judging other people in such a way is narrow minded.

@Doteycat I think you have completely missed my point tbh: it’s not about extolling the benefits of multiple partners at all, it’s about having the space to develop as a single person before you settle down.

But let’s agree to disagree as you clearly don’t understand what I’m saying and we aren’t going to see eye to eye.

Second marriages are less likely to end in divorce than first marriages, statistically.

This is actually the reason behind the oft-quoted stat that people who have cheaper weddings are less likely to get divorced. That is true, but the reason behind it is that people tend to spend less on their second marriages!

I'm curious how old you are OP? What age did your friends, colleagues, etc, start getting divorced? What age had they started getting married?

No one in my circle has got divorced (yet!) So no second marriages to observe.

Soooo what you’re saying is that everyone has a different experience.

If it's being referred to as a 'first marriage' rather than a 'marriage' the likelihood is that it was unsuccessful, excepting those who are widowed.

I am still in my 'first marriage' - I think my husband would be rightly concerned if I started describing it as my 'first marriage' though!

YABU

I think a lot of people make serial mistakes in relationships, rather than a first terrible marriage then a great one having 'learned from their mistakes'. It's quite common for people to repeat their mistakes as many are drawn to certain types of personalities.

Certainly not the exception in my family.

My parents met young and neither had had a previous boyfriend/girlfriend. My sisters met their now husbands at 16 and 19 and for both it was their first boyfriend.

2 of my cousins met their now husbands aged 17 and 19 and for one it was her first boyfriend and the other her second boyfriend.

Out of 4 nieces 3 met their now husbands young (between 16 and 18) and all first boyfriends and all still married and happy.

I think the problem is marriage.
First or second is irrelevant.
It's just pointless

It does happen yeah. Good look to them all if they’re happy then that’s great.

I've been with my DH since I was 16, (46 now). Got married when I was 21. Still happily married.

I don't think this is something you can generalise about though. My mum and dad got married when they were 19, and divorced by the time they were 38. My dad is still (happily) single. My mum has been with her partner for 28 years and their relationship is much happier than my parents' was. She didn't want to remarry, he was also divorced from his first wife.

My sister didn't meet her husband until they were 30, they've been very happily married for 10 years.

I just think it's down to luck most of the time.

I don't think so, we could consider first vs second co-habiting relationship or first vs second relationship with children and probably find the same trends.