To think that first marriages are mostly a disaster.

[IneffableCuriosity]

Obviously not in every case.

Bear with me…

I have noticed a pattern emerging in friends of mine, colleagues, close friends, family members and old friends from uni who all seem to end up in terrible first marriages to deadbeat men(or women!) who do the bare minimum, partners who cheat, are physically or verbally abusive or partners who are generally mismatched and the relationship was doomed to fail.

The colleagues/friends who were originally in terrible relationships seem to go on to meet someone lovely who pulls their weight and the relationship is healthy, stable and loving. They are generally much older and more mature and have grown as people and learned from past mistakes.

I understand that this is not always the case. Some are lucky enough to have wonderful first marriages. Some can obviously go into yet another dreadful relationship after the first one.

AIBU in thinking it is common among (mainly women) to sleepwalk into a first marriage/long term relationship with DCs?

I met my husband at 17. Married him at 20. Eighteen years and three children later, I'm so glad he's my life partner.

Good - I’m pleased your happy.

As mentioned by PPs:

this may not be about first marriages but due to age.

I have never been married but I am currently engaged. We met in my late twenties (his early 30ies). Both of us know what we want, we’re aware of our dealbreakers etc. I don’t know if we’ll work out - although I am obviously optimistic and hopeful. I wouldn’t be engaged if I wasn’t feeling confident about our future.

But I am very relieved that I did not marry the guy I was seeing when I was 19. That would have been a disaster. He was an absolute arse. And I thought I was in love.

I wonder about the notion of missing out / not fully idealising opportunities because of being 'tied down' so young.

I had three children at 25, which some would see as very limiting. I didn't travel like the majority of my friends, for example. I've not been alone in my life, ever really. I can see how people would think that some kind of self-discovery might be sacrificed.

An alternative reading might be that to sacrifice what appears to be an excellent relationship and life partner for the potential of 'self-discovery' seems short sighted? I have been able to work out who I am and what my core values are, what it means to be truly me but alongside the support of someone who gets me more than any other person in the world. That's a different kind of journey and self-realisation, but one that's just as meaningful.

My first marriage was in 1974 when I was 27. We're still very happy together. It can work.

Thing is people are different. I traveled a lot as a child as did dh. Neither of us are or where interested in going to parties or clubs. Neither are really extroverted. We both love tinkering with things, building things, growing things. Very much home is where the heart is. We go camping in fact two of our children and us don’t even have passports.

His happy place is basically cuddled on the sofa watching a movie / tv show together or building something in the garden or growing the most cucumbers he ever has or some such thing.

Now no matter what age we got together those joint things are what makes us work.

Now if one of us was a party animal then it wouldn’t work but again no matter what age we were. If you find someone who matches you if doesn’t matter what age you find them as long as that’s truly them and not some facade put on or a kid maybe even forced upon them by family expectations.

A playboy wanker is that be him 18 or 38 his an arse. Just like an extrovert is an extrovert you an changing them and cultural differences are and can actually be a bloody big deal don’t sweep that shit under the carpet on a well we will get to it when we do.

Happy Golden Wedding!

Every single one of my peers who got married by their 30s are already on their divorces.

All much of a muchness unfortunately.

We were married at 20/21. Our 49th anniversary tomorrow. Sorry about that…

You can’t generalise for a topic like this. You need confidence in what you’re doing, confidence in where you’re going, and intelligence to ensure it runs smoothly. There has of course been a lot of shit along the way. You’ve got to deal with it and not give up.

Watch the first two series of First Dates to see how young men view partnerships. It really is unbelievable. Quite a few list umm… physical characteristics as vital for their date. The young women list the important features and in return get very little from their ‘matches’.

Like any project, it requires stamina and determination. Good luck to the youngsters!

Yay! to @Mountainpika !

There is something that becomes unique about being with someone from a young age . The laughs you have at young age ,then life becomes more serious . It's still funny to look back and laugh at things you found really funny at such a young age .

@YouBelongWithMe

An alternative reading might be that to sacrifice what appears to be an excellent relationship and life partner for the potential of 'self-discovery' seems short sighted? I have been able to work out who I am and what my core values are, what it means to be truly me but alongside the support of someone who gets me more than any other person in the world. That's a different kind of journey and self-realisation, but one that's just as meaningful.

I don’t disagree with that. Throwing away a great relationship for an orgy of “self discovery” would be self destructive. If you really think that in your 20s you have found someone who is absolutely right for you for life then stick with them.

I honestly think though that most people in their early 20s just aren’t ready. Just from a basic cognitive standpoint the brain is still maturing. You have likely barely moved out of home, are unlikely to be earning much and have not worked out what you want to do with your life.

Of course there are exceptions the majority of cases people simply don’t have the emotional maturity.

I don't believe that length of a marriage is correlated to happiness in that marriage regardless of whether it's first, second, or whatever.

Many women are just plodding along in unhappy marriages because of finances, cultural reasons, children, etc.

I married at 31, but had some truly awful relationships in my 20s before I met my DH. So I think if I'd have married any of those boyfriends I'd 100% be divorced by now.

I don’t agree OP. I read a study that showed that first marriages are the least likely to end in divorce. Every subsequent marriage has a higher risk of falling apart (being a disaster) than the marriage before.

In theory I would agree that waiting until later is better, but IRL, I know so many couples who met fairly young and are still happy together. Including myself! We married at 25 and 27.

Bizarrely, the worst breakup and divorce that I’ve witnessed IRL was a couple who met in their 30’s and married at 34 and 37. Absolute shitshow of a breakup 12 years later. The other divorced couples I know are on far better terms -and they met/married younger. 🤷

Interesting to see people saying you haven't worked out what you want to do with life in your 20s.
I wonder if this isn't age or number of relationships but knowing yourself.
I knew from my early teens I wanted to be married, be a mum, and be a teacher.
Growing up I've been all over the world with my parents- I hated it, so I knew I didn't want to travel.
I was brought up with a strong Catholic belief, I had and still have absolutely no interest in sleeping with lots of men - not saying there is anything wrong with that but it's not for me.
No career other than teaching has ever appealed to me and I love it as much at 41 as I did at 21.
I already knew all this so when I got with my now DH when I was 17, who was young but not as young as me but had similar values I was happy and ready to commit.
I still got my degree, as did he, I had a couple of years teaching before I had my children so we were able to buy a house before we had them although I was not earning so much we couldn't afford to give it up for me to be a SAHM until they were both at school.
We have grown up together as they say and are a stronger unit because of it.
I totally understand marrying at 18 isn't for everyone but I knew who I was, I knew what I wanted and it worked for me.

Friends who married very young are divorced and onto 2nd or 3rd spouses.

Those of us who were a bit older, more mature are mostly in happy marriages.

I'm celebrating my 20th anniversary this year.

This has definitely been my experience too. Me and all of my friends got married really young, like early 20s. Every single one of our husbands cheated on us. I think it’s a combination of immaturity, but also, those men realising when they get into their 30s that they haven’t sampled enough vagina.

All but one couple got divorced. Those that did get divorced, went onto marry again, and all of those marriages are still together and successful. My own included.

I feel like it would be beneficial if you weren’t allowed to get married until you were of a certain age, or had experienced multiple partners first. Obviously tongue in cheek, but it has been my observation that when married young the men normally feel that they have missed out on something, once they get into their 30s.

Desperation for children before it's too late does lead to a lot of poor marital decisions unfortunately.

Not necessarily. I know several couples who met in their early teens who are still married 30 years later.

Not even marital just poor baby daddy choice 😂

All but one of my friends got married in our thirties, only one couple in their twenties. We're all still married and I think - other people's relationships are always slightly mysterious -happily. I think that there's a lot to be said for getting married slightly later, we all did the rubbish boyfriends in our twenties and then were lucky enough to meet kind, loyal and trustworthy men, recognised that and happily stayed with them.

I think the opposite to be true. I think people in first marriages get complacent and start to think there could be something better/grass is greener. They have an affair, move on with other person, all great at first, then reality hits home that it isn’t better, and they wish they’d stayed in the marriage they’d left. Didn’t realise what they had was good, until they lost it,

9 of us are old school friends who keep in touch. We have all been married and 8 of us are still married to our original spouse. We married aged between 24 and 30. The one who did get divorced did so because she realised she was gay, and sadly died not long afterwards. Her DH now happily remarried. OP has very different experiences to me. Statistically second marriages are more likely to fail.

I think it depends on the people. I was 21 when I met DH and at that age would NOT have been ready for marriage. But it was years later that we got engaged and then married (and then a mortgage and a baby etc). By which time we knew each other well, knew we could live together, knew we could handle responsibility together etc. But we are both people who will not rush into anything big. We're happy to take our time and make sure it's right.

On the other hand, I have friends who met and married at 18/19 and were divorced by 21. I have friends who got engaged and married within a year because they were "so in love". Those marriages were disasters. But there was no consideration into whether the big commitment they were making was actually a thing they were prepared for.