Partner wants a baby - am I not compromising?

[Daisyshine90]

My partner (39 this year) wants a baby but I’m still hesitant (34 this year). He brought up trying for a baby about a year in. I said I wasn’t ready as we weren’t even living together yet. He said some things:

“He’s worried for me that I’ll miss my chance” - surely that’s an emotion I should own?
“He’s worried I’ll never be ready” - I said I wanted children just not right then.
“We both met older - he never wanted to be an old dad” - he worked abroad until he was 35 developing his career. (I have a good career too but he is significantly on more than me.)
Some family might not be around next year” - despite no one being ill at the time he said that.

It dawned on me then that he’s desperate to start a family and it’s felt like a pressure ever since. Are these usual things to discuss?

He has offered his own compromises l:
Right at the start of the dating period he was adamant against marriage. It’s been a regular argument since but I started to accept that it wasn’t going to happen. He broke up with his previous partner because she wanted marriage and children and he didn’t/wasn’t ready at the time for kids. Nearly 2 years in, he said he has been thinking about it and now wants to marry me because he cares for me, knows how important it is to me and is willing to compromise. I asked if he could give me a timeline and he said 3 - 4 years but he wants children first. I responded suspiciously and it ended up in another argument. This was because it was on the back of an argument. Was I being unfair in responding that way?

We still don’t live together but I’ll be moving in soon. He has never seen this as a problem though and thinks it’ll work if I get pregnant now and eventually move in. This just seems absurd to me. Now one of his family members is ill with cancer and I’m worried that’s going to be another pressure.

The pressure is hitting hard. I feel so overwhelmed by it that I can’t even think straight about how I feel because I’m thinking about how he feels. I’ve always wanted a family but the thought of being pregnant makes me incredibly anxious. I wanted it to be a decision together, and the pressure just makes me feel as though it’s not my decision.

This is all combined with me moving into a house he is building. Originally he didn’t want me to have any input (just bills) but then after a while we agreed it’d work emotionally if I put some investment in. But now l, after reading up on it, I don’t feel it’s a good idea (not being married) but he’s certain he wants me to put 50% in. The plan is also for his mother to move in the small build next to it (inevitably she will be helping with ‘childcare’). This was his plan really early on so it has never been something we’ve discussed together. I get on with his mum very well but I just feel decisions are out of my control and I’m just fitting into his jigsaw.

I’ve been diagnosed recently with PTSD due tone sexual trauma and have experienced an abusive relationship in the past. I know these impact how I approach relationships and trusting partners. I love him and we have some wonderful times together. Generally we get on really well. It’s just the pressure of the next big steps.

I don’t have many friends who have families yet, so I am surrounded by single friends. I haven’t really been in a position of a serious relationship/living with someone because of my past. This is all new to me and I feel very naive. Does anyone have any advice? Am I being unreasonable?

Sounds like OP has been selected as a mere vessel for the child over which this man & his mother will have control. These 2 will work together to crush you OP.

Some very good questions raised above re grandma next door and being beholden to childcare from her, as well as future care for her (which will almost certainly fall to you. Nothing wrong with doing it if that's what you want to do, of course)

You should buy your own house. He wants to be a 'team', in words only. He does not want marriage. He only wants teamwork now that he realises he can probably get you to pay for a bunch of stuff with his house.

You have what he can't buy: the ability to have children. He wants them now, you want marriage first. He hasn't compromised on anything here; why should you be the one to do so? He's the one in the hurry.

Also I just really want to stress that I agree with everyone saying to pause this relationship or at least reevaluate it. MN is full of threads of women who had babies, left work because the man swore he would take care of everything and that they didn't need to get married because it's 'just a piece of paper', and then they end up here 5-10 years down the line desperate for advice because they're about to be kicked out of the house they have no right to live in because he's dumped them.

It's NOT just a piece of paper (if it were, they wouldn't have such a problem with it) and women are always the more vulnerable party once children are involved.

Thank you.

I know some of you must be frustrated with my responses. I just desperately need to try and understand all avenues/perspectives.

I do get on with his mum and she is very loving and generous. But it is more about the lack of me being involved in the decision. I am not sure how I feel about being a future carer and that didn’t cross my mind. Thanks all for raising it.

Trying to think inside my partner’s head - I am guessing it makes sense for her to be nearby to help with childcare. He works from home whereas my job requires me to be in the office. I personally wouldn’t expect my parents to be involved in childcare as they have their own lives too - but isn’t he just approaching that sensibly? I hear childcare is exceedingly expensive - isn’t that just objective thinking? I wouldn’t want to put that on anyone unless they offered - but I don’t think it’s abusive for him to think that way - just logical?

Again sorry if I’m coming across as dismissive - all of your support and advice is being taken into great consideration.

For the avoidance of doubt - don't have a baby with him, put into his house or even carry on seeing him. It's not your upbringing making you unsure. It's your intelligence saving you from this man. By the way, lacking in emotional intelligence is a huge flaw and in no way is money, good looks, kindness to neighbours and the ability to put the bins out worth this lack.

You're just a usable womb to him and his mother really, aren't you?

Fuck. That.

Yes, I’d be very wary on these points as well. OP, I would not have had Dc without being married. Unless you’re the higher earner with reliable childcare that you can afford on your own, you are risking a poor financial position. And I would be very clear that I would decide on childcare arrangements - I would not have his mum foisted on me.

The children are the price of your marriage. You’d just have to trust he fulfils his side of the bargain.

To be honest, it sounds like you are at different stages in your lives. You don’t sound keen to settle and he is desperate for a family.

I’m not sure I see this working as one or both of you will end up resenting the other.

Loads of red flags here.

He wants you to put 50% into his house that he's having built, with his mother next door? For what? 50% of the house?

And dangling the carrot of marriage - and ask the pressure to have his baby.

No, no, and thrice no. He's a manipulative, controlling twat.

Not dismissive, just very naive.

He wants you to commit to him (by being a vessel for the child he wants) but he wont commit to you. You have to make the sacrifice first and then he can wait & see if he really wants to hitch his wagon to yours.
I wouldn't proceed on those terms.

Another question - again not to challenge without me listening - but to consider wider understanding and perspective.

If things did go awry - would he truly leave it to me to support the children? If he is the one so desperate for a family, would he be quick to abandon them? Are men really generally that fickle?

I ask because of my PTSD. Sadly I experienced sexual assault in my 20s followed by the abusive relationship (physical/verbal/part financial). This lead me to avoid having long term relationships after and build up of distrust.

Absolutely

This is about being billy big balls with an heir but he will fuck off the minute he doesn't get his own way.

I have three kids. I would have said my h was a good dad. Since we split he's been shite.

Some men just don't have it in them to put their kids first.

It's the lack of choice that people have the issue with I think, in that all this has been planned out in advance to suit him, whether intentional or not, his entire plan revolves around him and his mum and this child and it doesn't seem to matter if you're there or not, that's really worrying from your point of view.

To me, if someone says they will marry you, they don't then give you a wishy washy timetable of 3-4 years and specify it has to be AFTER you've given him a child, it's pretty horrific TBF, that is him telling you that the child is more important than a long term future with you. You haven't even moved in together yet, how do yo know you can be a happy unit?.. That is crucial before you even consider bringing a child into it.

All the information is there in what he has said OP, it's all very worrying and not at all what a loving partner should be doing, but you're understandably looking to give him the benefit of the doubt, but that benefit of the doubt could see you homeless, with limited access to your child, and without the resources he has to fight it. Basically he's got it all sown up and you have nothing.

@Daisyshine90 I feel you have some of the same experiences and issues that I have worked through. Please PM me if you want to ask anything specific.

Sorry to be harsh, but his mother could drop dead in the morning. Don't be relying on her for childcare. He has to be willing and able to pay for childcare and not assume mammy will be there to do everything for him

He likely wouldn't leave you, he would kick you out and keep the children, everything that he is saying screams that you aren't his priority.

they like the iea of family an some men do step up but to pressure you into it before mariage as some sort of compromise is a red flag

We still don’t live together but I’ll be moving in soon. He has never seen this as a problem though and thinks it’ll work if I get pregnant now and eventually move in.

This is, to be frank, completely and utterly batshit insane.

It would be foolish and extremely irresponsible to try for a baby with someone you have never even lived with. Having a baby is not an experiment, there is no 'try before you buy'. But of course he doesn't think it's a problem, because if the relationship doesn't work out he can easily walk away from you and the baby with no consequence.

I cannot emphasise enough what a spectacularly terrible idea this is. Not only should you refuse to agree to this under any circumstances, you need to think very carefully about what suggesting this says about him as a man. At best, it shows poor judgement and a worrying lack of regard for what a massive commitment it is to bring a child into the world with someone. At worst, it is a deliberate and calculated attempt to manipulate you into having a baby you have said you're not ready for knowing full well he intends to fuck off and leave you to it if the going gets tough.

Seriously, OP you sound absolutely lovely, why the hell would you move in with this walking red flag of a man, let alone consider marrying him or having his baby??? For the love of God, RUN!!

YANBU. What "compromises" is he actually offering? That he may marry you in a few years? And it occurs to me, has he actually spoken to his mother about moving in next to you, or does he just assume that she will, and will be happy to help with the child(ren)?

Please read for yourself what you have actually written to us.
Split it into one liners.

spot and read the red flags

there are enough red flags to make bunting...

do not move in with this person.
and for goodness sake do not have a baby until there is a wedding ring on your finger !

I get that lots of people are advising you to leave him and you're really not sure you want to do that. Please, whatever you do, do not get pregnant without being married first. There is absolutely no incentive for him to marry you after you are pregnant. Do not hand all the power to him like this.

He's been very clear about what he wants, time for you to be clear about what you want. If you're going to have his babies you want marriage and shared ownership of the house first. If he's putting in a lot more money than you to start with then by all means get that documented, but your name goes on the deeds/mortgage.

If he won't do these things then it is very clear he has no interest in an equal partnership so you need to have a very long think about what exactly it is that he does want and exactly what the cost will be to you in giving him that. You stand to lose all your own financial security and independence and end up totally at his mercy.

@Daisyshine90 I also think he is looking at you as a prospective carer for his mum!!! no other reason to have her living in your garden apart from this!

Despite what other people want and what lifestyles they lead, it is up to YOU to determine YOUR wishes. If you choose not to live with a man before marriage, that is an acceptable choice. If you choose not to own property with a man before marriage, that is an acceptable choice. If you choose not to have babies out of wedlock, that is an acceptable choice. You get to call the shots in your life, not him. He needs to back off, and if he’s trying to coerce you into these lifestyle choices that aren’t for you, it tells me all that I need to know about what kind of a person he is.

A friend has a mantra - "heed your gut". Mine is "if in doubt, don't". I think both would be good for you to consider right now.

Then run for the hills.