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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother-in-law wants me to formula feed and let her feed my baby

384 replies

Artmumcreative · 01/05/2024 21:34

I plan to exclusively breastfeed and have had this plan since before DH and I conceived. MIL came over today when DH was at work and told me that I need to have a bottle and formula. She desperately wants to feed my baby (once she's born!!!) but I want to breastfeed and I always have wanted to. I have friends that exclusively formula-feed and that's totally fine, they have medical reasons for not breastfeeding, and I appreciate that some people don't want to or can't breastfeed. I feel like MIL wants to take over my role as my baby's mother. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
SkalengeckOrSiegbarste · 02/05/2024 01:49

Watchwatchmymysteedsteedgogofarfar · 01/05/2024 21:39

'thanks for offering MIL, can you feed me instead? Then you will be indirectly feeding her'

Perfect response!

Sauvblonk · 02/05/2024 02:16

Massive red flag there OP. Have your DP some very firm boundaries right now.

Ihadenough22 · 02/05/2024 03:04

I would tell her that you have decided to breast feed your baby and therefore she won't be bottle feeding them. Tell your husband to stand up to her as well because she will pressure you later if she thinks she can.
Tell your father in-law what she wants to do and tell him if she persists with this you will be leaving the baby with them 2 night s a week especially if they have colic. I can't see him wanting to have a crying new born in his house a few times a week.
Tell him due to what she say that you know she wants to mind the baby full time when you go back to work and it very generous for them to give up their retirement to help you out.

Some mil think they can decide what happens when a baby is born and you do what suits them. The reality is the you, your husband and baby will be a new family and it you decision to do what suits you and them not your mil.

Ihadenough22 · 02/05/2024 03:04

I would tell her that you have decided to breast feed your baby and therefore she won't be bottle feeding them. Tell your husband to stand up to her as well because she will pressure you later if she thinks she can.
Tell your father in-law what she wants to do and tell him if she persists with this you will be leaving the baby with them 2 night s a week especially if they have colic. I can't see him wanting to have a crying new born in his house a few times a week.
Tell him due to what she say that you know she wants to mind the baby full time when you go back to work and it very generous for them to give up their retirement to help you out.

Some mil think they can decide what happens when a baby is born and you do what suits them. The reality is the you, your husband and baby will be a new family and it you decision to do what suits you and them not your mil.

Hotpolarbear · 02/05/2024 03:06

I express and then bottle feed my 11 weeks old. The amount of people that ask to feed him and I say no. Only myself and my partner has ever given him his bottle. He's my baby and I think feeding time is a great time to bond with your baby.

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 02/05/2024 03:14

It’s extremely odd to be so desperate to feed someone else’s baby. My son was exclusively breastfed until he started solids and even my husband never fed him for the first 6 months, and he had no issue with this as he knew supporting my breastfeeding was in our son’s best interests. It hasn’t affected their bond at all, my son absolutely loves his dad and is very comfortable with him. Tell her you will be feeding your child the way you choose and as she’s not her baby there’s no need for her to be feeding her. They can bond in other ways though it’s far more important that you as the parents get to bond with your baby.

Irridescantshimmmer · 02/05/2024 05:07

Tell her to take a long walk off a short pier.

Who on earth does she think she is? OMG tell her NO.

Do not let her ruin your bond with your baby.

IsEveryUserNameBloodyTaken · 02/05/2024 05:33

YABU for even thinking her demand is in any way reasonable.
Get her one of those feeding dolls as it’s none of her business how you feed your baby.
She needs putting in her place now so she knows who is having this baby so she keeps her nose out in future.

Olika · 02/05/2024 05:51

I am so in loss why there are so many grandmothers who think it's their job to feed the baby. They had their own babies in the past to do that. Just tell her you are breastfeeding and that's it.

FloofyBear · 02/05/2024 05:52

You may want to express milk and she can bottle feed if for example you need her to babysit etc, failing that your baby isn't a toy for people to play with
She may have more himdingers so get ready to put up some boundaries and say no

WhatWouldYouDo33 · 02/05/2024 05:53

I hope you laughed in her face.

Nicole1111 · 02/05/2024 07:20

She’s definitely crossing a line here. Let her know formula isn’t an option and stick to your guns. You need to show her from early on that it’s your way or the high way, otherwise she’ll be trying to dictate what happens in your child’s life for years to come.

LittleBooThang · 02/05/2024 07:22

Yanbu. MIL can get fucked 😂 My DM wanted me to express and bottlefeed so she could feed my baby and i was like 🤔😂 no.

PinkyFlamingo · 02/05/2024 07:24

Have you got a problem standing up for yourself generally with her? It's a strange question as obviously you say no.

Justsomethoughts · 02/05/2024 07:45

OP you need to come down hard on this. Stick to your guns and feed your baby how you see fit. Otherwise it will set a precedent that you are easy to manipulate and I promise you will have problems with your MIL going forward.
There is absolutely no benefit to YOUR baby of your MIL feeding them formula because that’s what she feels like.

TargetPractice11 · 02/05/2024 07:45

Fuck your MIL. It's your baby.

Do what works for you.

Bitch

Katemax82 · 02/05/2024 08:11

My MIL was anti breastfeeding. On Christmas day they were over and as everyone sat down to dinner I went and breast fed my 6 month old ds on the sofa. When I saw my SIL on new years day she told me my MIL was moaning I should have just got a bottle and she could have given it to him!! She never said a word to me at the time! Just ignore your MIL she's being ridiculous

HMW1906 · 02/05/2024 08:17

Tell her no, she’s had her babies that she got to make these kind of decisions for now it’s your turn.

also if you do end up having to bottle feed, they now recommend only the immediate caregivers (parents) give the bottles for the first few months so as not to cause confusion 😉

GoldenTrout · 02/05/2024 08:21

How did you reply to her, OP?

Lengokengo · 02/05/2024 08:22

I ebf’d both of my kids for the first 6 months (guidance at the time). My MIL wanted me to stop with my 2nd so that she could have him overnight. She went on and on about it, which I ignored. After 6 months I wanted to introduce a bottle, but he was having none of it. After 13 months (!!!) he finally took formula, and by then I desperately needed some respite. MIL then never had him for the night! So despite her constant nagging, the supposed benefit to me ( and overnight without caring for a baby) didn’t happen, so I was glad how it all planned out.

having said that, I know lots of people who intended to ebf but then experienced difficulties for various reasons. Breast feeding can be complicated and technical and hard to work. For these reasons I wouldn’t get too entrenched in your position. It may be that you want to introduce formula and would welcome a nights respite at some stage. Keep things civil and your options open.

WhatWouldYouDo33 · 02/05/2024 08:30

Also OP do not feel under pressure to express to give MIL a bottle. Expressing doesn’t work for everyone and if you want to breastfeed you need to initially focus on getting the latch established etc before expressing. Better show your MIL some boundaries now.

Peach0123 · 02/05/2024 09:02

No doubt she will use the tactic of saying it's not fair on your DH not to get to feed or 'you'll need a break'. Always comes to that when they want to get thier own way. Fuck right off.

I would make the point to her that even if you bottle fed for whatever reason YOU and DH decide- NHS guidelines are now that you limit the amount of people feeding baby. So would only be you and DH anyway, very occasionally others. My DS was bottle fed and we had to limit who fed him, otherwise he just would not feed the same. So understand why this guideline is there now.

Get your boundaries sorted now or she will be a total nightmare during postpartum- seriously get your DH on board and discuss everything now.

Good luck with your baby 💐

RampantIvy · 02/05/2024 09:36

What is this obsession with feeding a baby?

It is no more "bonding" than cuddling or playing with one.

Furrydogmum · 02/05/2024 09:45

Just be warned that breast feeding isn't always an automatic walk in the park. My mum was very pro breast feeding and supportive and kept me going til it worked - it took me a very stressful week to get my oldest feeding properly. If your MIL isn't, you won't want her there all the time dripping her ideas in your head. Good luck with your new bundle of joy 😊

LBFseBrom · 02/05/2024 10:12

All you have to say is that you want to breastfeed and will see how it goes. She is unlikely to insist. There may be times when you express a feed or two and she will have the opportunity to feed your baby then. Wait and see. I wish you well. You can also say that when the baby is eating solids, and time does pass remarkably quickly, there will be further opportunities. I get the desire to be with a grandchild and help out but not fixating on giving she or he a bottle.

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