Mother-in-law wants me to formula feed and let her feed my baby

[Artmumcreative]

I plan to exclusively breastfeed and have had this plan since before DH and I conceived. MIL came over today when DH was at work and told me that I need to have a bottle and formula. She desperately wants to feed my baby (once she's born!!!) but I want to breastfeed and I always have wanted to. I have friends that exclusively formula-feed and that's totally fine, they have medical reasons for not breastfeeding, and I appreciate that some people don't want to or can't breastfeed. I feel like MIL wants to take over my role as my baby's mother. Am I being unreasonable?

Of course you're not BU. Tell her now before your baby arrives that you'll be breast feeding but you're looking forward to the support she's offering & she'll be able to have plenty of snuggles. Mention how you feel to you DH about your feelings that she may try & take over when baby is here. As long as he's on your side & has your back he'll be able to smooth things over with his Mum so she doesn't interfere. Don't let anyone bully you into something you don't want. Good luck.

Bottle, unfortunately. I should have said "oh, so THAT'S why his immune system is so poor (compared to mine)" but I didn't because I was so shocked at what she was suggesting.

WOW! I’m glad you never said that!! Very nasty and judgemental.
goodluck breast feeding and best of luck with your MIL, just be firm but polite

That's a good one.

You are not being unreasonable at all, however as a precaution I would keep some formula (perhaps in secret), as I too wanted to exclusively breastfeed, but ended up not being able to.

Give what you get? This is not the only time she's cast judgement on me (previously it's been my education- even though I'm better educated than her/her children, upbringing, and finances/career). I wouldn't say it to my friends (or anyone else) that FF, but also so many people on this thread have asked why I wasn't firmer. She breastfed her older son.

@FuckOffTom I know, it's beyond belief isn't it!!!

Your MIL had turned her I security into defensive bullying and that's just not right. Good on you for sticking up for yourself and your baby! This won't be the last of it, but at least you've drawn your line in the sand.

This is absolutely not her decision to make.
good luck with your bf journey, it is special, I hope you enjoy it

No. Have boundaries. She is overstepping them. Don’t even think about it. Or feel bad about it. It’s a very self serving reason.

This isn't about your unresolved feelings around not being supported adequately to make bf work...it's about a MIL being pushy...

It doesn't come naturally. Monkeys raised in isolation who have not watched lots of other monkeys breastfeed have to be taught how. Because we rarely see anyone breastfeed we also need to learn how. There are only 2% of new mums who actually cannot breastfeed physiologically based in research from countries with a better take up (eg the Philippines where all formula must be prescribed by a Dr) but there are many barriers to breastfeeding. Anyone who wasn't supported adequately to successfully breastfeed (or didn't want to put the work in to learn) should feel mad about that and not at the people who made it work.

You'll know for the next time. 🌹

This is just the start of it...put your foot down now and forever more...don't give an inch...

I know from experience....

She has no jurisdiction but you'll constantly feel like you are in the wrong/being unkind etc. Do not let your mother in law live your life in any way....she has her own life.

It does come naturally. But some societies are so obsessed by breasts being sex objects (as they are) they cannot cope with them fulfilling their other function (to lactate). I have seen plenty of breastfeeding mothers, but breastfed my own baby without ever having seen anyone doing it. I had support from the NCT and also La Leche League (now, unfortunately going down the rabbit hole of men 'chestfeeding' and filling someone else's baby full of chemicals). I had decided to breastfeed not because of any ideas about immunity or being better (not so prevalent in the late 70s as now) but because it was easier - no making up of bottles or babies screaming in the night whilst I heated up the bottle. I could also read a book at the same time.
I do agree more support is needed, but support is required from society as a whole.Whilst people tut at a woman feeding her child in a public place, there is not enough support. A mother may breastfeed her child anywhere she needs to, and no-one has a right to ask her to stop, or go somewhere else, so it is about time people stopped doing this.

That's unkind.

Your MIL can piss off!
It's YOUR baby. You feed him or her in the way that's best for YOU and BABY.
MILs like this really annoy me.

Stand your ground on this. Just simply tell her not happening. You could express and bottle feed (I’d actually recommend doing this from time to time to avoid bottle refusal later on, coming from a breastfeeding mum) but totally YOUR CHOICE. Good luck xx

@OutlawZeroHours It's also not about snotty, judgey odd balls trying their hardest to feel superior about something. I hope whatever is hurting you, you heal and that you get supported adequately to becoming a kind enough human to raise kind humans.

OP I hope you are ok, that you are firm with MIL and feed the way you choose, never try to please anyone but yourselves and your baby. You can maintain good relationships with even the most difficult of relations as long as you keep being respectful but always 100% unapologetically true to yourself in your choices, if they don't like it they lose you not the other way around.

Maybe she is saying it so you have a back up. I planned to exclusively breast feed both of mine but I never produced enough so had to do formula top up feeds, I am so glad I brought bottles and an emergency tub of formula as it was needed. Expressing and feeding in a bottle by either your partner or someone else is also helpful if you need to get rest at some point, so having baby used to breast and bottle also isn't a bad thing.

Proud to be an odd ball 😘

And in my odd way, I would think asking MIL to consider relactation techniques if she wants to feed your baby, as you wish not to feed artificial baby milks, might make her think twice!

“expressing and feeding in a bottle” in reality is not helpful or restful.

instead of a 20 minute breastfeed you now have to do several pumping sessions to stash enough milk. Then you have to wash and sterilise everything, and if you want to maintain supply you should pump instead of feeding when baby has a bottle.

all that happens is someone else sits on their arse feeding your baby while you rush around sorting shit out. Much more restful for you to sit and feed while everyone else gets you snacks and cleans the house.

”getting baby used to breast and bottle” also isn’t straightforward. Some won’t accept a bottle, some will get used to the bottle and refuse the breast. Replacing bf with pumping or formula can affect your supply. Unless you’re one of the lucky ones that can long term combi feed introducing bottles tends to lead to bottle feeding.

i don’t know why people think feeding a bf baby a bottle is so helpful for the mum. Ime it’s absolutely not. It’s a guilt trip into accepting “help” instead of actually doing helpful stuff like cooking, cleaning, even taking the baby so you can sleep. No, they always want to do the thing that requires the least effort for them.

Yeah careful with this. My ex started giving my BF baby formula without me knowing because his mum told him it was better for the baby who was thriving.

That's your opinion which your entitled too, as am I mine, I have two kids have breast fed, expressed and formula fed. I know there can be issues with all scenarios but every baby is different and op needs to do what suits her.

Expressing to be able to go out for a couple of hours for some you time is helpful in my opinion, like I said everyone is entitled to their own opinion without being told their wrong by some other, think they know it all on the internet. I expressed and topped up with formula it was the best I could do for my baby with the supply I had, and meant I could hand baby to my husband at times to let me shower or get a sleep or play with my older son. Yes it involves sterilising and cleaning but if you have a good routine I didn't find it that much of an inconvenience in my situation.