Page 6 | Mother-in-law wants me to formula feed and let her feed my baby

Noseybookworm · 02/05/2024 10:28

Just tell her no, you're not doing that, you're planning to breastfeed exclusively. If she keeps on, you will have to tell her to stop and you're not discussing it any more. Be firm now and set down boundaries before the baby's born. She sounds like she's going to be trouble! Good luck OP 💐

CurlewKate · 02/05/2024 10:34

Did she actually say that? If so then she is being WILDLY unreasonable. If she said something like "oh, if she ever has bottles, I'd love to give her one" then less so. But still a bit strange to raise it before the baby is even born!

RhubarbCurd · 02/05/2024 10:35

Refused to discuss it.

MIL made me feel awful for bf and denying DH chance to feed his baby - so I pumped got very little out got very stressed then found DH hated bottle feeding.

Saw later was a ploy so she could have baby when she wanted focusing on a possibly concern/worry I might have and spreading doubt. There was a room in their house decked out as nursery - as they would be able to ff and they were demanding baby stay over immediately with out us. I bf for over a year till pg with next child and learnt to say no a lot to her and FIL.

RedRobyn2021 · 02/05/2024 10:39

Even if I had fed my DD formula I would have wanted to do all the feeds myself. It's a very intimate thing and I wouldn't have even let my mum do it.

Fortunately I breastfed.

Your MIL is obscenely selfish.

Inkyblue123 · 02/05/2024 10:46

We all had plans to breastfeed, but it doesn’t always work out that way. Don’t dig your heels in just yet, just ell her you plan on breast feeding but you’ll just go with the flow and see how it works out. Don’t get hung up on breast feeding before you e even had the baby! I went to NCT classes and it wasn’t till about 6 months after birth I realised what a load of nonsense most of it was. Dangerous hippy dippy bullshit that quite frankly was total nonsense and in some cases just plain dangerous. Go with the flow and trust your instincts.

elliejjtiny · 02/05/2024 10:58

I bottlefed my 4th because he couldn't breastfeed. Nobody fed him but me and the nicu nurses for the first year. If you breastfeed, mum feeds the baby. If you bottle feed, other people can feed the baby if the mum is incapacitated or if she wants someone else to do it.

BananaCake35 · 02/05/2024 11:04

Your MIL sounds crazy, I always find the best way to handle stuff like that is to laugh loudly when someone says something like that and pretend you think they are joking.

I hope your breastfeeding journey goes perfectly but, in the event that for some reason it doesn't, please remember this advice.

Breast or bottle, you don't have to let anyone feed your baby. It's your baby. My eldest had to be bottle fed and apart from maybe 3 or 4 feeds from dad, I did all his bottle feeds. Just because a baby is getting fed from a bottle doesn't mean you have to let others do the feeding, if you don't want to.

cheddercherry · 02/05/2024 11:06

No you’re not unreasonable at all. She’s had her children and done as she wished and this baby is yours to feed how you see fit. It’s nothing to do with her at all so absolutely don’t back down. Set boundaries now before she gets worse. What did your partner say about this?

WB205020 · 02/05/2024 11:13

If you plan to EBF then that is your choice. Your DH should support you. That said i would recommend trying to express and bottle feed too. See if baby takes both. Forget your MIL but it will be easier for you to get your DH to help with some feeding and perhaps yourself too. Your choice at the end of the day but we found having the bottle as an option helped a lot!

CommentNow · 02/05/2024 11:18

You just need to be assertive and not leave her alone with the baby.

So many relatives told me I should FF or get a perfect prep machine etc. After a few months of simply repeating "I'm breastfeeding" and no engaging further on the matter it was respected.

Tbh FF is so prolific that people genuinely don't think about EBF as a choice people make. Watch some American TV and you'll see what I mean, most babies have bottles but no context about pumping. It's just absorbed culture a lot of the time and most kind people don't realise that when you EBF you can feel quite challenged by people saying formula is the solution and like they don't get that you are making a choice.

CommentNow · 02/05/2024 11:23

Inkyblue123 · 02/05/2024 10:46

We all had plans to breastfeed, but it doesn’t always work out that way. Don’t dig your heels in just yet, just ell her you plan on breast feeding but you’ll just go with the flow and see how it works out. Don’t get hung up on breast feeding before you e even had the baby! I went to NCT classes and it wasn’t till about 6 months after birth I realised what a load of nonsense most of it was. Dangerous hippy dippy bullshit that quite frankly was total nonsense and in some cases just plain dangerous. Go with the flow and trust your instincts.

I absolutely respect anyone's choice to formula or breastfeed and I think you ought to do the same instead of saying things like breastfeeding is hippie dippy bullshit.

It's nasty and unnecessary.

I appreciate you are perhaps trying to be supportive to OP in case her journey doesn't work out but there are kinder and more supportive ways to say it without putting other people down.

I'd say the same to anyone demonising peoples choice to formula feed. Not your baby not your business.

TurquoiseDress · 02/05/2024 11:31

Nah just feed your baby the way you want

mrssunshinexxx · 02/05/2024 11:38

Stand VERY firm on this. Doesn't even need to be a conversation

TubeScreamer · 02/05/2024 13:23

It is none of her business!

Nanny0gg · 02/05/2024 13:30

Two of my family members chose to exclusively FF. No problem - their baby, their choice

They also decided that in the first 6 months it would be either one of the baby's parents doing the feeding as they wanted it to be their bonding time.

Maybe say that to MiL - that if you have to FF for any reason, you or her son will be doing EVERY feed.

See it that shuts her up. She is massively overstepping and if her son won't tell her, you'll have to.

DottieMoon · 02/05/2024 13:35

Saschka · 01/05/2024 21:50

2% Overbearing MILs!

Show quote history

I love how none of that 2% have just voted and not commented. So they must know they are full of BS!

longapple · 02/05/2024 13:54

Tell her your midwife has told you to follow nhs guidance:
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/breastfeeding-and-bottle-feeding/bottle-feeding/advice/

"Babies will feel more secure if most feeds are given by you, your partner or their main caregiver."

Say IF you end up feeding with a bottle you will let her know when you are happy for someone other than you or your partner to feed the baby, obviously once you reach that point immediate family will be top of the list <bright smile>.

Ek1234 · 02/05/2024 14:00

I'm clearly in the minority here but as a first time mum (DD now 12 months) I also wanted to breast feed. However baby couldn't latch and it was very difficult and stressful. I then decided to express thinking it would be the next best thing. This caused so much stress, not being able to produce enough, baby was hungry etc etc. In the end I decided to formula feed and it was the best decision I made. I loved bottle feeding my DD knowing that she was having a full belly, also loved the fact that my DW and my mum and dad and sister etc could feed baby which was a lovely bonding experience for them.
I'm all for a mother having the right to choose how she feeds her child, but the level of venom and nasty comments on here about a grandmother wanting to feed her grandchild is horrible. The amount of people telling OP to tell MIL to f*CK off is terrible.

Applescruffle · 02/05/2024 14:02

Tell her you are so happy that she wants to be so involved in her babies life and that you are overjoyed baby will have an extra person who loves him/her. Luckily there are so many other ways you can bond with the baby and you will appreciate the help with those things but feeding will be all on you as you plan to breastfeed exclusively. If that changes at all then of course she can help out when need be.

If she persists, tell her to get fucked.

Applescruffle · 02/05/2024 14:05

Ek1234 · 02/05/2024 14:00

I'm clearly in the minority here but as a first time mum (DD now 12 months) I also wanted to breast feed. However baby couldn't latch and it was very difficult and stressful. I then decided to express thinking it would be the next best thing. This caused so much stress, not being able to produce enough, baby was hungry etc etc. In the end I decided to formula feed and it was the best decision I made. I loved bottle feeding my DD knowing that she was having a full belly, also loved the fact that my DW and my mum and dad and sister etc could feed baby which was a lovely bonding experience for them.
I'm all for a mother having the right to choose how she feeds her child, but the level of venom and nasty comments on here about a grandmother wanting to feed her grandchild is horrible. The amount of people telling OP to tell MIL to f*CK off is terrible.

But this doesn't have any relevance to the OP.

You wanted to breastfed but it didn't work out so you stopped.
That's complelty different to being TOLD to stop by another person for their own selfish reasons.

If MIL pushes this she can absolutely fuck off

Ozanj · 02/05/2024 14:09

Artmumcreative · 01/05/2024 21:34

I plan to exclusively breastfeed and have had this plan since before DH and I conceived. MIL came over today when DH was at work and told me that I need to have a bottle and formula. She desperately wants to feed my baby (once she's born!!!) but I want to breastfeed and I always have wanted to. I have friends that exclusively formula-feed and that's totally fine, they have medical reasons for not breastfeeding, and I appreciate that some people don't want to or can't breastfeed. I feel like MIL wants to take over my role as my baby's mother. Am I being unreasonable?

My Mum said the same thing to me. So I took my DB upstairs and locked myself in a room with me until she left. Every single time. You need to be firm

RhubarbCurd · 02/05/2024 14:13

Ek1234 · 02/05/2024 14:00

I'm clearly in the minority here but as a first time mum (DD now 12 months) I also wanted to breast feed. However baby couldn't latch and it was very difficult and stressful. I then decided to express thinking it would be the next best thing. This caused so much stress, not being able to produce enough, baby was hungry etc etc. In the end I decided to formula feed and it was the best decision I made. I loved bottle feeding my DD knowing that she was having a full belly, also loved the fact that my DW and my mum and dad and sister etc could feed baby which was a lovely bonding experience for them.
I'm all for a mother having the right to choose how she feeds her child, but the level of venom and nasty comments on here about a grandmother wanting to feed her grandchild is horrible. The amount of people telling OP to tell MIL to f*CK off is terrible.

Baby's not born yet - and MIL is trying to influenced against BF which Op wants to try.

It's not the same as a Mother choosing to FF and then deciding she fine or even pleased with other's feeding baby as well.

This is MIL trying before baby is born to get her preference of FF despite mother's current wishes to BF -adhered to for her benefit.

I experienced this - it wasn't pleasant and came with a whole lot of other unpleasant undermining behaviours. I did not tell MIL to fuck off - I don't believe in RL many actually would - but made it clear I would try BF - and ignore her attempts to undermine that.

If OP refusing to talk about it means OP can't be undermined or argued with. Also means she can easily change her mind with minimal fuss if BF for some reason proves impossible or hard or just not want OP wants when it comes it.

Nanny0gg · 02/05/2024 14:13

Ek1234 · 02/05/2024 14:00

I'm clearly in the minority here but as a first time mum (DD now 12 months) I also wanted to breast feed. However baby couldn't latch and it was very difficult and stressful. I then decided to express thinking it would be the next best thing. This caused so much stress, not being able to produce enough, baby was hungry etc etc. In the end I decided to formula feed and it was the best decision I made. I loved bottle feeding my DD knowing that she was having a full belly, also loved the fact that my DW and my mum and dad and sister etc could feed baby which was a lovely bonding experience for them.
I'm all for a mother having the right to choose how she feeds her child, but the level of venom and nasty comments on here about a grandmother wanting to feed her grandchild is horrible. The amount of people telling OP to tell MIL to f*CK off is terrible.

But she's trying to override (persuade) the OP against what she wants to do

That's wrong

DottieMoon · 02/05/2024 14:13

Ek1234 · 02/05/2024 14:00

I'm clearly in the minority here but as a first time mum (DD now 12 months) I also wanted to breast feed. However baby couldn't latch and it was very difficult and stressful. I then decided to express thinking it would be the next best thing. This caused so much stress, not being able to produce enough, baby was hungry etc etc. In the end I decided to formula feed and it was the best decision I made. I loved bottle feeding my DD knowing that she was having a full belly, also loved the fact that my DW and my mum and dad and sister etc could feed baby which was a lovely bonding experience for them.
I'm all for a mother having the right to choose how she feeds her child, but the level of venom and nasty comments on here about a grandmother wanting to feed her grandchild is horrible. The amount of people telling OP to tell MIL to f*CK off is terrible.

Your experience is completely different to what the OP is saying and frustrated with. Of course the OP may not be able to EBF may have to use formula in a bottle. The same thing happen to me as it did to you, I had always said I would EBF but no milk came in and although I bloody tried everything and pumped all hours it just didn't work and I have to use formula exclusively. I was the most stressful time and I hated it but the flip side it was lovely that the DF and other family members could also enjoy feeding my DD.
HOWEVER, this is not what the OP is saying, her MIL is TELLING OP to get formula and bottle because she is desperate to feed her. This is entitled, demanding and bloody selfish. MIL is not saying have a bottle and formula ready just in case, she is putting her own wants ahead of what the mum wants to do.

BlastedPimples · 02/05/2024 14:16

I had this. It's really unpleasant.

My mil said my baby would have hollow cheeks if i breast fed him. And she kept saying i was lucky he didn't have hollow cheeks when i carried on breast feeding him. He's a strapping 19 year old now.

I felt really undermined and unsupported at my most vulnerable point in my life.

Stand your ground op. Do what you want and think is best. Don't let the priorities of others take precedence.