Mother-in-law wants me to formula feed and let her feed my baby

[Artmumcreative]

I plan to exclusively breastfeed and have had this plan since before DH and I conceived. MIL came over today when DH was at work and told me that I need to have a bottle and formula. She desperately wants to feed my baby (once she's born!!!) but I want to breastfeed and I always have wanted to. I have friends that exclusively formula-feed and that's totally fine, they have medical reasons for not breastfeeding, and I appreciate that some people don't want to or can't breastfeed. I feel like MIL wants to take over my role as my baby's mother. Am I being unreasonable?

She can change nappies, bath baby, cuddle baby. All kinds of things.

I expressed some milk and let relatives give a bottle of ebm every now and then so I could have a break.

But if you want to bf them that's what you do and her views on formula and her wish to feed baby are totally irrelevant.

Also I exclusively breastfed and am still feeding now OP. It was a bit tricky for first few days but once milk came in and got into rhythm was fine.

MIL has claimed that I'm just saying all this because I'm hormonal. I feel truly gaslit.

I guess she's saying this because she's just nasty?

I wonder if she fed her kids as her MIL demanded?

If so you'd think she wouldn't be nasty enough to do the same to you but would be understanding & respectful.

I had this , stand your ground . I had mil and fil on my back years ago and I knew why, they wanted to have the baby all to themselves on visits and would make comments soon as I had to soothe or feed my baby. It's only for their selfish reasons so don't do something you don't want to do.

Hahahahhahahahahaha
hell NO to mother in law. What an absolute dick! Fed is best, then breast milk… but she wants you to formula feed just so she can feed YOUR baby? No. She had her time to feed her own babies.
no idea how you can possibly think you’re unreasonable. MIL can get out

Christ no. Get yourself a doorbell cam so you can see if she’s at the door and ignore it. No one gets to attends anyone’s birth or feed anyone’s baby unless asked! These MIL’a are batshit crazy! Jeez I thought mine was bad

Good on DH for backing you up.

Tell your midwife about all this and the hospital will chuck her out if she tries any tricks.

Unfortunately it's time to toughen up. You're a mother now and you need to bare your teeth to protect your baby, if not yourself.

There is a comment on Facebook that says “she can feed you instead, which will indirectly be feeding the baby” and I’ve never heard anything more appropriate!

You just say “no” you don’t need to give reasons.

Batshit behaviour from the mil.

I’d never lose the chance to EBF my baby for my MIL to feed, she has had her babies and however she chose to feed. It’s abit odd dictating how you feed your baby.

good luck I ebf my first for 15 months and all going well I hope to do the same for my 3rd x x

Why do imagine you’re being unreasonable?

She can't feed your baby, you have made your decision and it's your and Husbands, she has no say on how you bring up your child

I'm afraid you're going to have to grow a pair.

You say how forceful she is and how kind you are, but you need to realise that when your baby is born you are going to be the one who protects him/her from all harm. This includes badly informed/ignorant ways of upbringing from close relatives, in this case your mil. So you are going to have to deal with these situations because they are never going to go away once you become a mum.

It's not her place to ask this. Feeding baby is a mother's prerogative.

Whether you consider it breastfeeding benefits or artificial baby milk feeding risks, there's plenty of evidence that breast milk is a preferable feeding method from a purely nutritional perspective.

It's also true that women who didn't breast feed themselves can feel threatened by other people's feeding choices, feeling they are judging their own choices. Perhaps it is this dressed up as a desire to feed your baby?

Did you know two of the main indicators for breastfeeding success are: not living close to your mother, and having a mother who also breastfed?

Tell her these facts:

Department of Health guidance states breastfeeding is the healthiest way to feed your baby. Exclusive breastfeeding (giving your baby breast milk only) is recommended for around the first six months (26 weeks) of your baby’s life. After that, giving your baby breast milk alongside other food will help them continue to grow and develop. The World Health Organisation (WHO) and UNICEF recommend breastfeeding alongside other foods to age two and beyond.
Breastmilk contains all the nutrients your baby needs for the first six months. It is much more than just food: it is also a living fluid, full of antibodies and other bioactive factors that strengthen your baby’s developing immune system, providing protection against infection, and other factors which help them digest nutrients. These living components are not found in infant formula.
You can read more about the many different components of breastmilk on this NHS pagee and also visit www.human-milk.comm for lots more information.

Not breastfeeding increases various health risks for both mother and baby.
Babies who are not breastfed have an increased risk of:
• infections, with more visits to hospital as a result
• diarrhoea and vomiting, with more visits to hospital as a result
• sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS)
• obesity
• cardiovascular disease in adulthood

Mothers who do not breastfeed have an increased risk of:
• breast cancer
• ovarian cancer
• osteoporosis (weak bones)
• cardiovascular disease
• obesity

Ask if she's happy for her grandchild to have a higher risk of obesity or cardiovascular disease in adulthood.

Yanbu with your choice but just wait and a see a bit. Breastfeeding works for some but not all. Postpone the argument foe now in case you do formula feed and want a break (DOI exclusively Breastfed which was knackering but rewarding)

Age group mid 60s. White middle class British women

Love, it's been said a lot already but you really do need to stand up to her from the beginning. I let my MIL walk all over me for years, with the result that she actually damaged the relationship I have with my eldest. Please don't make the same mistake that I did.
Tell her that how you bring up your children is your business. You hold the power now.

Thinking of you OP- and so glad your DH is backing you up and supporting/protecting you and your choices.

In my experience, this MIL wanting to bottle feed is about control- and is much more prevalent in some cultures than others. Some of the Indian colleagues had the same issue- the family matriarch wanted control and sadly their DHs were under her thumb.

I breastfed all 3 of mine and would not have let anyone get in the way. Natural progression to cup at around 9 months, and no bottles ever in the house.

Rooting for you, bravo.

Then, they were just ignorant. It is nothing to do with age.

Some good advice on here to get in some formula, just in case - one or two cartons of ready made will do it. As with all things to do with births you never know quite what is going to happen. In my case I had a brain hemorrhage right after my labour (that one definitely wans't on my birth plan) which stopped me producing the hormones you need to breastfeed. That's quite an extreme scenario though!

Tell her that one day, if the time and circumstances are right, you’ll need her to watch your little one, and will leave her with a bottle of expressed milk.

Do not change the way you want to feed your baby to please her. There are other ways to bond with her grandchild.

You poor thing, stick to what you want to do. Your MIL has had her children & fed them the way she wanted/they needed - & this is your child.

My own late MIL, a dear Nana & a sweet lady also had a very strong stubborn streak in her that I saw on a number of occasions (usually when my DH, her darling golden child wasnt about :) ) but she too was of the opinion that I should put my middle child onto a bottle so she could mind him more.

This went down with me like a cup of s:)&%! as this baby was born premmie, quite sick, I was 2 hours from home & had an almost 6yr old missing me dreadfully & all I remember from her visits in to the hospital were her telling me that all would be good if he had a bottle (implied too that she would be looking after him too)

It did end up that my bub#2 did have to progress onto a bottle & she minded him often, so I was even more determined then with bub#3 that he would be exclusively breast fed & with me. (he was 😁😂)

Stand your ground, if you want to EBF it will be tough and you need as much support as possible. Also brace yourself to be sat down a lot with baby feeding in the early weeks and feeding every few hours at night so you don’t need negativity around you or lack of support. If you want to share the load, your DH can change the nappy, rock to sleep etc or keep an eye on you when you feed baby in a lying down position to make sure you’re both safe in case you fall asleep.

I also EBF and it felt like everyone wanted to bottle feed my baby, I think this is because no one else I know or in our families EBF. People forget there are other things they can do to support the baby, they can help with contact napping, feeding mum, offering emotional support, changing nappies etc.

Politely disagree with posters saying have formula in just in case in the house. With my own experience, cluster feeding can give the appearance your milk hasn’t come in as baby feeds for ages and often doesn’t get milk out. I believe this is when a lot of women end up giving up (usually 3-6 weeks) as baby is often feeding relentlessly. In those times, I nearly reached for the formula. If it’d had been in the house I’d have used it.

It took about 8 weeks for my milk to become on demand for baby and I’m really glad I stood my ground especially when cluster feeding happened and I was made to feel like a martyr for not giving into the bottle when I was exhausted. This is not to take away from women who genuinely can’t EBF, but I also dont think there’s enough support or honesty that breastfeeding is hard and sometimes not the norm depending on families or location. This means you can sometimes feel isolated EBF.

Bottles of express milk - some EBF babies won’t take a bottle. I’ve tried many times with my own and it just won’t happen. So don’t rely on this completely. Build things around the edges that can support you feeding. I hope it works out for you but just be prepared it may not so don’t put all your eggs in that basket.

You do need to start standing your ground now though as this interfering will only get worse when baby comes.

If you can do it, honestly it’s brilliant and I love how easy it now is even after I had many issues. If it doesn’t work out then fed is best, but it’s your choice no one else’s!!

You can tell her when the baby has figured out how to latch on and is comfortably feeding you will consider expressing if you need a break.

You don’t even have to tell her this. She should suffort you with your choice really.