Mother-in-law wants me to formula feed and let her feed my baby

[Artmumcreative]

I plan to exclusively breastfeed and have had this plan since before DH and I conceived. MIL came over today when DH was at work and told me that I need to have a bottle and formula. She desperately wants to feed my baby (once she's born!!!) but I want to breastfeed and I always have wanted to. I have friends that exclusively formula-feed and that's totally fine, they have medical reasons for not breastfeeding, and I appreciate that some people don't want to or can't breastfeed. I feel like MIL wants to take over my role as my baby's mother. Am I being unreasonable?

baby won’t be on milk forever. In 6 months you’ll probably start solids- she can feed the baby then. She can do all the batch cooking if she wants haha. Push that idea and say firmly you don’t want to give your baby a bottle. ( be careful what you say before the baby is born- just incase you change your mind). I hear so many times of ppl giving a baby formula when they babysit- you and your husband are going to have to make it very clear.

You are not being unreasonable. She is. Please try to politely say no. Perhaps you could suggest that she is instead welcome to change all pooey nappies and sort out potty training when the time comes! See how she feels about the less romantic baby jobs. I can tell you from experience that as a new mother I let my sister-in-law interfere with bringing up my first child. I did this for an easy life as she sulks if she doesn't get her own way...she even called him to her when he took his first steps in her house....he ended up waddling over to her and not me and it still breaks my heart. If we were at a family get-together and she was holding him and he started to cry....I would have an awful job to take him back from her to feed him. It was very distressing. If you can be strong enough, please set the scene now before the baby arrives, or this will be the first of many requests/demands. The baby is yours and you can choose to feed him however you like. Is she actually expecting you to strap your breasts up to stop the milk as soon as the baby is born, just to please her?! In-laws can be such a pain in the backside. Good luck and stay firm and strong.

@Thexwife I couldn't agree more!

@Watchwatchmymysteedsteedgogofarfar Superb idea! She can bring dinner round every night. And wash up, ha ha.

@Cherrysoup I completely agree. I think that sometimes a new baby in a family makes people behave very strangely. My cousin, when a new baby, was left with my Mum and her sister-in-law once for a couple of hours while my cousin's Mum had to go out somewhere. They decided to sneakily "baptise" him as they didn't agree with the religion his Mum and Dad had had him baptised into.

Tell your H to have a word with his deluded mother.

What makes me so cross when I hear about this sort of thing is that you (original poster) and others like you are ever put in this position in the first place. It's the audacity of the mother-in-law even thinking it's a reasonable suggestion, let alone voicing it. And then you are left to worry about it and are put in the uncomfortable position of having to say no, which I guess doesn't come easily to you, as you sound like a very nice person. I've had twenty years of dealing with manipulative in-laws. I have finally said no to one of their ridiculous demands in the last few days, and they are beyond angry with me for saying no. I know now that if I'd said no more over the years, they wouldn't have kept hassling me about ridiculous stuff. It's a hard lesson to learn. So I'm very glad to hear that you are sticking to your guns. Good for you and I'm very sorry you've been put in this position. Sending you lots of positive vibes.

Yes I agree with you about not keeping formula in the house, particularly if you live somewhere within close distance to a shop like a 24 hour tesco or asda (good to keep I mind about most things to not stress if you have anything). I do think it can encourage or tempt to giev up in the early days when cluster feeding can be constant. It can be hard going at first although it might not be, for my sil it was tough but eventually easy and she fed for two years, and for me it's not been particularly hard and the ease it comes with is so worth it.

Also bear in mind that baby really needs very little at first so even if you think you aren't producing enough remember that their bellies are so so little. It really does take about 8 weeks I think for supply to really regulate, you need to keep hydrated and fed.
Keep an eye on babys weight gain and nappy output and you'll know if they're getting enough.

And remember how nice it is not having to get out of bed qt night to feed or need to count bottles etc before leaving the house, at this point I've left with just a nappy in my pocket for a short walk 😅 remember these especially when she might start trying the tactic of trying to say how much easier it will be for you to bottle feed and that it's really not about her at all haha.
Good luck!

And step away from your 'she's overbearing, I'm kind' mindset.

That's the way to convince yourself you're helpless and that other people thinking how nice you are is most important.

That's over now. Your world and your place in it has shifted.

Think instead 'I'm a tiger. A mama bear. Hear me ROAR.'

Here's a fascinating article on how big a new baby's stomach is!

It's why a quick BF whenever they're hungry is needed:

https://www.babycentre.co.uk/l25009531/how-big-is-your-babys-stomach-photos

And here's the facts on why breastfeeding is best for the baby and the mother. Every time she starts off, launch into your TED talk 'No, that's out of date. In fact, current research has proved that ... ' and do it every time.

And each time she tries to make it about you being selfish, unreasonable, unfair, bla bla bla, tell her you understand she's disappointed not to get what she wants, but that your and your husband's first priority is the baby's wellbeing.

https://www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/about/benefits-of-breastfeeding/

https://www.healthline.com/health/breastfeeding/11-benefits-of-breastfeeding

There's lots of this stuff out there - start making a list in your phone and familiarise so you can reel them off any time.

....unless the poster does baby led weaning. Which means the baby feeds itself and you don't spoon feed. So....MIL still.wont be able to feed baby! Lol

Yeah I think my mil is quite disappointed we went to baby led weaning pretty much immediately, as she really wanted to feed him. Thing is he hates being fed but loves feeding himself so it is what it is. I wish he would do both.

But! My mil never made me feel bad about it, even though I know she also really wanted to bottle feed him she has always been supportive of our choices. It's not hard to be. And she interacts with him in all sorts of other ways instead.

IdleAnimations 'Politely disagree with posters saying have formula in just in case in the house. With my own experience, cluster feeding can give the appearance your milk hasn’t come in as baby feeds for ages and often doesn’t get milk out. I believe this is when a lot of women end up giving up (usually 3-6 weeks) as baby is often feeding relentlessly. In those times, I nearly reached for the formula. If it’d had been in the house I’d have used it.'

totally agree with you.

So much negativity about bf. We are mammals. It does come naturally. It isn't always a struggle and stressful. I have never bought a tin of formula.. Not even Just Incase...

You need to take what your husband says at face value and don't see your MIL when you don't want to see her.

Being "extremely kind" can often be interpreted as "extremely weak".

If she calls or messages there's no need to respond straight away - leave it until you want to respond and have some key phrases ready. Some have already been suggested but
No - that doesn't work for us
No - I don't want to do that
No - I'm not comfortable with your suggestion.
No - My midwife/health visitor/GP has advised this is not good practice
No - not at this time, maybe sometime in the (undefined) future. Especially if she ever asks to have your child overnight.

Practice makes perfect OP, and if you don't stand up for yourself to her (and anyone else) instead of nipping things in the bud, nothing will change. 🌹

It doesn't come naturally for a great many new mothers, or even newborn babies. Why do you think breastfeeding rates are so low in the UK?

DD had no interest in latching on and just wouldn't feed. Eventually the midwife had to feed her some formula because she was getting drowsy as her blood sugar plummeted. It took me 5 days to get DD to latch on without the help of the very supportive midwives. I stayed in hospital until I knew I could feed her without help, otherwise I would have given in and bottle fed DD with formula.

Your comment as rather unhelpful TBH.

Absolutely not. Your baby, your choice. Just who on earth does she think she is.

Omg what!!!
YANBU but make sure you know about La Leche league, NCT breastfeeding helping, Health visitors and your local BF team/ bf groups. Bf can be tricky at times when you have support. Sometimes people around you try to get in your head saying baby feeds often / or is night waking due to lack of supply. It’s normally a load of nonsense, outdated advice or their own projection.

so I hope you don’t have this. But maybe practice a few boundaries with yourself and partner now so you aren’t dealing with it when tired and vulnerable.

also it’s the medical recommendation if you can to bf exclusively for 12months. Why would your MIL be so strange. Good luck. Maybe not worth a big row now incase you can’t bf for a reason.

Tell her that she's paying for all the formula costs then. 🤣

But being serious, I'd tell her to fuck off. x

Remember this OP. I was on here one night desperately seeking advice at 4am with flat boobs crying because my LO was cluster feeding for what felt like years and I was in so much pain. Someone on mumsnet said (and it’s stuck with me) ‘LO needs to call the milkman’.

The next day I was walking around with melons 😂 the cluster feeding comforts but also tells your body what milk is needed.

Edit: not saying this to scare you. But I had no support myself and everyone telling me to formula feed (except DH). If I’d have known to just relax, enjoy lying with my baby and let DH do the housework I’d have been less stressed :)

What???

It is unreasonable but I do see her perspective. I’m sure if I was going to be a granny I’d love the idea of giving my granddaughter the odd bottle. I think that’s fairly normal. I wouldn’t see it as her wanting to take over your role as the baby’s mother. I’m sure she won’t want to do the 3am feeds 😂 You never know you may be glad using a pump and handing the baby over yet … breast feeding is exhausting!

Tell her to feed her own child and then you can get on feeding yours !

I had that too! Managed to combi feed my baby for 4 months then gave up once I asked her for advice, she said, oh just breastfeed.

The thing is, back in the days woman were adviced to bottle feed, and they didn't breastfeed much back in those days.

With my second baby I breastfeed exclusively, my MIL has no say in how I mother, which you will find they try to interfere as much as you let them.