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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just want a childless day out?

156 replies

ToxicChristmas · 01/05/2024 20:50

Love my friend. Love her kids. Do not love her wanting to take her kid or kids on every bloody outing we go on. I get she thinks they are brilliant -I think the same about mine. But it's driving me potty that every single trip we plan to do or do she adds on a kid.
We've just this evening arranged to go out to an event next weekend -all great until she adds that her youngest wants to come. I KNOW he will be bored within the hour and it's a whole day event. We won't be able to sit and watch anything for any length of time, we will have to plan around said child. Any suggestion of it being adult only won't go down well. I'm just going to cancel as it's expensive and seems pointless to go now (for me).
Any ideas of how to deal with this diplomatically in the future? Or do I just accept that we won't be doing days out? I've tried to nicely say in advance about adults only but it's been brushed off or told it will be ok and how much the kids enjoy going out with us. Do I just be brutally honest? Do I try and laughingly say I need an adult day? Or am I a miserable bitch who should just put up with it? Or a mean mum who enjoys time sans kids?

OP posts:
MummytoAAandX · 01/05/2024 20:56

Can you suggest an evening meet up-drinks or a meal out after the kids' bedtime?

exomoon · 01/05/2024 20:58

YANBU. Tell her you’re leaving your own kids at home as you thought it was going to be a child-free outing, and that you’d prefer not to take any kids.

If she says she can’t say no to her kids then say that’s fine, I’ll sit it out, you guys have fun.

easilydistracted1 · 01/05/2024 20:58

This friend likes to take her life everywhere. You don't. Neither is wrong but if you want a child free event I would fine another friend or a group to go with

Gymmum82 · 01/05/2024 21:02

Can you not just tell her to leave her kid at home? No one likes kids that much and no one likes other people’s kids that much.
Just say it’ll be more enjoyable if you leave the kids at home and it’s just adults. Or I’m looking to have a break from kids. I need some child free time. Can you leave them at home?

CulturalNomad · 01/05/2024 21:04

Do I try and laughingly say I need an adult day?

That's the approach I'd take. Emphasize how you're looking forward to one-on-one adult time with her. And honestly, it's hard to have an uninterrupted conversation when kids are in the picture. Everybody deserves the occasional adult day/outing.

Squishwallow · 01/05/2024 21:05

Is leaving the kids at home even an option? Does she have a partner to take them? Maybe they have an arrangement where they give eachother child free time and maybe she prefers to have her time on her own at home while her partner takes them out, rather than with you?

Notimeforaname · 01/05/2024 21:10

Just tell her the actual truth!

"I was really hoping for an adult only day, do you think we can still do that? If not, I'm going to head off somewhere else for the day and we can meet up another time"

80schildhood · 01/05/2024 21:14

You have to be honest with her and tell her that as a mum you need some adult time away from children and that you love her children but really want to go to this particular event without them. Tell her that you understand childcare can be tricky so if she can't come along alone then you'll understand if she has to skip it. Don't sacrifice your own opportunity to go to this event. If my friend said this to me, I would understand.

SwishMyCape · 01/05/2024 21:14

YANBU
She's being a load if she's doing this every time.
You have to be clear about your boundaries. She may not like it, but I wouldn't want to spend my spare time & money on a day out that's compromised by someone else's young child.

Original poster
ToxicChristmas · 01/05/2024 21:15

She has absolutely no childcare issues, a loving partner and parents who will have the kids. She just genuinely likes taking them everywhere with her and can't understand those who don't do the same. That's absolutely fine, I'm just not that person 😂.
I've tried a few times to drop in the "adults only" and she gets quite offended. I think she finds it hard to imagine anyone not wanting to spend time with the kids. They ARE lovely kids. I just don't want to drag a kid around an event they don't really have an interest in because they inevitably moan or fidget and you can't talk freely and you have to shape the day around them.
I'll have to accept it and not plan those events with her or bite the bullet and piss her off. Or give it a few years until the youngest is a teen and wouldn't be seen dead with us.

OP posts:
CulturalNomad · 01/05/2024 21:17

or give it a few years until the youngest is a teen and wouldn't be seen dead with us

😂You got that right!

PangolinPan · 01/05/2024 21:25

I have a friend like this, she definitely thinks wanting "adult only time" is a bit weird. I have just accepted that I have to see her with her kids and any private conversations take place on WhatsApp. I wouldn't be spending money on an event that I didn't want to have to deal with her kids too. Hard if you've already planned it but can you take another friend along and she can deal with her own kid while you two adults go off?

JC89 · 01/05/2024 21:25

YANBU to want some child free time but your friend is not unreasonable to want to do things with her kids especially if she thinks it's something they would enjoy. Have your child-free time with someone else! You won't gain anything by making her choose whether to spend time with you or with her kids, sounds like she'll choose the kids AND be annoyed with you.

RomeoRivers · 01/05/2024 21:27

Just tell her. Explain that as a parent you need time off from kids, and that includes hers.

Original poster
ToxicChristmas · 01/05/2024 21:33

JC89 · 01/05/2024 21:25

YANBU to want some child free time but your friend is not unreasonable to want to do things with her kids especially if she thinks it's something they would enjoy. Have your child-free time with someone else! You won't gain anything by making her choose whether to spend time with you or with her kids, sounds like she'll choose the kids AND be annoyed with you.

Absolutely agree, she can do whatever she wants with her kids and she is a great mum.
I do think she can be a bit blind to the fact that sometimes the events actually are not something the kids enjoy (beyond the getting food part) and they will be visibly bored and ask to leave/go on their tablets/moan/fidget. This is the part I find difficult. Let's face it, it's shit when your own kids moan, it's worse when it's someone else's.
I'd never make her pick which is why I'll cancel our plans for the next weekend. She can go with the kids then if she chooses. They clearly will always come first and rightly so. It's just not how I personally want to spend my time at an event.

OP posts:
Rewis · 01/05/2024 21:35

You leave your own kids at home and she assumes you want to do the activity with her kids? Next you suggest something adults only and she makes noise about bringing her child. Just say "we can reschedule to time when you have a babysitter/hisband able to take kids".

Rtmhwales · 01/05/2024 21:40

I have one of these friends! I don’t deal with it anymore. Just a brisk “oh, no thanks that doesn’t work for me, I need some child free time and that’s why mine are staying home. Let me know when that would work for you and we will just give this one a miss”. Could care less if she’s offended. She’s obviously not worried I’m offended she’s changing the dynamic by trying to bring her kid everywhere.

SherrieElmer · 01/05/2024 22:07

Of all the options that you offer in the last paragraph in your opening post, I go with "miserable bitch".

You are a shit friend who lacks the empathy to understand what it means to be a mother. Instead of being happy for your friend, who is currently going through a roller coaster of emotions, you only focus on you and what is convenient for you.

You should reconsider your stance on this one.

Aussieland · 01/05/2024 22:10

SherrieElmer · 01/05/2024 22:07

Of all the options that you offer in the last paragraph in your opening post, I go with "miserable bitch".

You are a shit friend who lacks the empathy to understand what it means to be a mother. Instead of being happy for your friend, who is currently going through a roller coaster of emotions, you only focus on you and what is convenient for you.

You should reconsider your stance on this one.

WTF? This is a very strange response. What “roller coaster” of emotions?
OP YANBU. It’s ok to kindly say no

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 01/05/2024 22:13

Surprise her with tickets to something /somewhere.. 2 tickets....

Original poster
ToxicChristmas · 01/05/2024 22:41

SherrieElmer · 01/05/2024 22:07

Of all the options that you offer in the last paragraph in your opening post, I go with "miserable bitch".

You are a shit friend who lacks the empathy to understand what it means to be a mother. Instead of being happy for your friend, who is currently going through a roller coaster of emotions, you only focus on you and what is convenient for you.

You should reconsider your stance on this one.

OK 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
ToxicChristmas · 01/05/2024 22:44

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 01/05/2024 22:13

Surprise her with tickets to something /somewhere.. 2 tickets....

I did this once! I got her a ticket to an event as a birthday present last year and she turned up with her child and purchased a ticket at the gate for him.

OP posts:
NewName24 · 01/05/2024 22:56

*I've tried to nicely say in advance about adults only but it's been brushed off or told it will be ok and how much the kids enjoy going out with us. Do I just be brutally honest?

Yes, you need to be honest.
If she so lacks the ability to pick up on your hints, then that is when you have to be blunt.
I don't understand how she can possibly think someone else wants to do some adult thing, makes arrangements for their own dc, and then would want to spend their day with another person's dc Confused

Or am I a miserable bitch who should just put up with it? Or a mean mum who enjoys time sans kids?
Of course you aren't. Many of us love our dc dearly, but still also appreciate doing something when we don't have to arrange the day around them. Let alone someone else's dc.

NewName24 · 01/05/2024 22:57

SherrieElmer · 01/05/2024 22:07

Of all the options that you offer in the last paragraph in your opening post, I go with "miserable bitch".

You are a shit friend who lacks the empathy to understand what it means to be a mother. Instead of being happy for your friend, who is currently going through a roller coaster of emotions, you only focus on you and what is convenient for you.

You should reconsider your stance on this one.

Are you reading a different thread ?

What are you talking about ?

Onetiredbeing · 01/05/2024 23:04

What do you mean she gets offended? She can't just pull a tantrum and think she can get her way surely?
Don't hunt, say that you are leaving your kids at home because you need a break so let's have some adult time.