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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To just want a childless day out?

156 replies

ToxicChristmas · 01/05/2024 20:50

Love my friend. Love her kids. Do not love her wanting to take her kid or kids on every bloody outing we go on. I get she thinks they are brilliant -I think the same about mine. But it's driving me potty that every single trip we plan to do or do she adds on a kid.
We've just this evening arranged to go out to an event next weekend -all great until she adds that her youngest wants to come. I KNOW he will be bored within the hour and it's a whole day event. We won't be able to sit and watch anything for any length of time, we will have to plan around said child. Any suggestion of it being adult only won't go down well. I'm just going to cancel as it's expensive and seems pointless to go now (for me).
Any ideas of how to deal with this diplomatically in the future? Or do I just accept that we won't be doing days out? I've tried to nicely say in advance about adults only but it's been brushed off or told it will be ok and how much the kids enjoy going out with us. Do I just be brutally honest? Do I try and laughingly say I need an adult day? Or am I a miserable bitch who should just put up with it? Or a mean mum who enjoys time sans kids?

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 02/05/2024 11:32

Mrsdyna · 02/05/2024 08:08

I don't really have the time or desire to go out drinking cocktails at night but I'd be happy to meet up for something to eat at night.

As for a coffee date, I take my kids. I'd go somewhere that has a playground etc.

@Mrsdyna

you didn’t answer my question - what if the coffee date was about your friend needing to talk to you about something personal? She might be upset for example. Why would you take your kids to that?

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/05/2024 11:34

@Mrsdyna

oh and surely you wouldn’t be bringing your kids to an evening dinner date with a friend?!

Yellowhammer09 · 02/05/2024 11:36

Commenting on this as I want to know the outcome 😆

You are absolutely NBU to want a childless day out. If I were you, I'd tell her you want it to be adults only, and if she says no then cancel all together.

Good luck!

ToxicChristmas · 02/05/2024 11:41

Well, I've sent the message. I was politely blunt (I hope) and said could we make this one an adults only day? I'd didn't blather on or make excuses or anything. She's just sent back a sad face emoji so I'm presuming that's a no from her, but I won't respond and will leave it to her to elaborate. What am I supposed to surmise from a sad face?!

OP posts:
Devilsmommy · 02/05/2024 11:44

StarDolphins · 01/05/2024 23:09

Yes I can see that does save money but I just think Kelloggs taste better?

🤣🤣🤣🤣

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/05/2024 11:46

I do worry about women like OP’s friends

they make no effort to maintain their friendships

they’re gonna be very lonely when their kids fly the nest

it’s sad

Yellowhammer09 · 02/05/2024 11:47

ToxicChristmas · 02/05/2024 11:41

Well, I've sent the message. I was politely blunt (I hope) and said could we make this one an adults only day? I'd didn't blather on or make excuses or anything. She's just sent back a sad face emoji so I'm presuming that's a no from her, but I won't respond and will leave it to her to elaborate. What am I supposed to surmise from a sad face?!

Omg your friend is so annoying. What does :( mean?

":( That's sad but I'll do it anyway"
":( I really want my kid to come"
":( Let's cancel then"

KeyboardWhinger · 02/05/2024 11:49

I would just say “I’d like a kid free evening”

Is childcare her issue.

I had the opportunity for some childfree time (very rare for me) a couple of weeks ago. I cancelled a play date, my friends said come on your own. I just said “and listen to your kids instead” they laughed and actually we all managed to get a childfree brunch.

I don’t see the point in leaving your kids at home being being constrained by hers. Unless they’re significantly older and more
like adult company.

betterangels · 02/05/2024 11:50

She sounds annoying after that reply. Go alone.

She's communicating like a child. I couldn't be bothered with that.

KeyboardWhinger · 02/05/2024 11:50

OP you need to find new friends. Keep her as a playdate friend.

cstaff · 02/05/2024 11:51

OMG Op she sounds painful. I have no problem spending time with other peoples kids now and again but everytime - fuck that. In fact, a lot of my friends enjoy meeting me (I'm childfree) because they can have an adult day with adult conversation and not have to watch everything they say or do in front of their kids.

Projectme · 02/05/2024 11:54

If you don't respond, she'll just carry on as planned and bring her child.

Personally, I'd reply and say 'guessing that means you're unhappy about my choice so I'll bail out this weekend as I'm unhappy with your choice'.

Bit brutal 😑 but you have tried to be diplomatic and it's got you no-where!

Catsmere · 02/05/2024 11:56

Glad you said it straight out, OP. She sounds like a pain, tbh - expecting everyone else to centre her children.

LittleBoPeepHasLostHerShit · 02/05/2024 11:57

She being extremely rude to expect you to hang out with her child when you're leaving yours at home. Agree that this person is a playdate friend only from now on. I'm also really intrigued about all these mysterious ticketed events that you seem to be attending

Soonenough · 02/05/2024 11:58

🤷‍♀️ Send her this .

UnpickThePockets · 02/05/2024 12:00

Blimey OP, she’s very passive aggressive isn’t she?!

The ‘sad face’ is because she won’t make the decision to cancel, nor will she not take her kids. Crap matery behaviour from her on all counts.

EVHead · 02/05/2024 12:04

I hate her from the little you’ve told us. 😂

Santasbigredbobblehat · 02/05/2024 12:08

EVHead · 02/05/2024 12:04

I hate her from the little you’ve told us. 😂

Same. What a dose.

VickyEadieofThigh · 02/05/2024 12:09

EVHead · 02/05/2024 12:04

I hate her from the little you’ve told us. 😂

Yes, I have to say that I'm not keen!

Crazycrazylady · 02/05/2024 12:13

SherrieElmer · 01/05/2024 22:07

Of all the options that you offer in the last paragraph in your opening post, I go with "miserable bitch".

You are a shit friend who lacks the empathy to understand what it means to be a mother. Instead of being happy for your friend, who is currently going through a roller coaster of emotions, you only focus on you and what is convenient for you.

You should reconsider your stance on this one.

Think we've found the friend who has to bring her kids absolutely everywhere

ZiriForGood · 02/05/2024 12:21

Maybe it would be clearer to her if you say that you have limited child free time and want to use it for child free activities. That you can plan things with children/whole families and that's great as well, but it's important to you to know which one is which.

If she doesn't feel the same about her time, it might seem to her as you imposing artificial rules.

Beryls · 02/05/2024 12:23

Maybe start planning some inappropriate trips for example a day out firing guns and smoking cigarettes etc. Start big then work it back until you're back to normal days out at national trusts etc.

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 02/05/2024 12:24

There were 3 couples who used to take turns choosing the restaurant on the odd Saturday night we could all get sitters... Following the Chosen Ones car was normal. No pre discussion of the place. Once followed one pair to a Wacky Warehouse place.. I refused to get out the car. Dh was mortified.. Paying a babysitter and eating surrounded by the shrill of dc? No thanks. Mate was oblivious that some people actually enjoy some dc free time.. Without even hearing any! Your mate is blinkered op. A lost cause... Ime.

Projectme · 02/05/2024 12:32

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 02/05/2024 12:24

There were 3 couples who used to take turns choosing the restaurant on the odd Saturday night we could all get sitters... Following the Chosen Ones car was normal. No pre discussion of the place. Once followed one pair to a Wacky Warehouse place.. I refused to get out the car. Dh was mortified.. Paying a babysitter and eating surrounded by the shrill of dc? No thanks. Mate was oblivious that some people actually enjoy some dc free time.. Without even hearing any! Your mate is blinkered op. A lost cause... Ime.

christ. some people are choice aren't they?! 😂glad you stuck to your guns and refused to get out of the car! What happened in the end though? Did you all go separate ways that evening?

GoodAfternoonGoodEveningAndGoodnight · 02/05/2024 12:34

ToxicChristmas · 02/05/2024 11:41

Well, I've sent the message. I was politely blunt (I hope) and said could we make this one an adults only day? I'd didn't blather on or make excuses or anything. She's just sent back a sad face emoji so I'm presuming that's a no from her, but I won't respond and will leave it to her to elaborate. What am I supposed to surmise from a sad face?!

Ugh, that'd annoy me! Emotional guilt trip crap tends to have that effect on me 😁
At first I thought does she have childcare issues, if so YABU but you said she definitely doesn't do fair enough.
She's entitled to want to go out with the kids, you're entitled to want some adult time (I'm a mum and love both kids dearly but sometimes you need a bit of your own space for sanity 😁
I always think too what happens when they're older and not around as much, do you just forget how to be "you", not just mum?
Let her sit with a sad face emoji for a bit wondering what you're thinking and then after a while say "so is that OK with you or not? If not, no worries, I'll see you another time."